He broke up with me, now he wants to be friends

[Subwaystop]

I dated this guy for a year. I thought he was IT, the one, end of. He made me so very happy and hopeful. I know I was awfully naive but so it was. A number of things came together to make me get totally carried away with him. One of them was that he had his shit together, was a charming gentleman who doted on his kids and me. Another was that my closest female friend with whom I share everything believed he was tailor made for me: patient, funny, doting, established, thoughtful, we have a lot of interests and values in common. Anyway, I let myself believe him when he said he would make me so very happy and we’d always be together. He did know how to say the nicest things.

I’m not exactly sure what cracks emerged that spoilt it all. One thing I didn’t realize, and I was very naive, was that he was having ed issues and that it was a huge deal. It wasn’t right in the beginning but became a real thing. Several times he couldn’t get it up or would lose his erection. I would minimize it because I feared otherwise I’d end up feeling it was my fault so I told him we will figure it out, or he can figure it out, talk to his doctor and just his meds etc. The last time we tried, after a series of failures, he withdrew into himself. He tried to be his warm self but the whole day we spent together something was very off. I told him I felt he’d withdrawn and it bothered me. He said at first that he didn’t know what the problem was but then admitted he was “a little bit sad and a little bit confused.” Then we had another talk at dinner and he said he didn’t think we are compatible and it’s time to bid each other good bye and wish each other well. I was in such shock I couldn’t say anything! I later asked him to reconsider, he thought about it and said no. He said he hoped we could stay friends.

Now he wants to connect. He offered to help me out with a work matter and is being caring and warm while no longer expressing romantic affection or anything sexual. I’ve mostly gone cold on him but he’s put out several feelers for being friends. He’s nice and good company but I worry this is not a good situation for me. Have you had a successful friendship with someone you dated?

I think you should move on and keep away from him. He sounds like he's messing with your head and I can imagine the situation becoming complicated.

It’s too soon. You have to heal.

I have had successful friendships with exes. It often stops when they get a new girlfriend though. It wouldn't work if you're still hoping it will develop back into a relationship.

I think you can be friends if:
Neither of you want to be more
Both of you are happy about the other dating other people
If not, it will mess with your head.
And sometimes it does need time to get your head straight and be able to have honest, unromantic contact.

Bluntly, who cares what he wants? Do you want to be friends?

I would like to be friends with him if it won’t get in the way of me moving on. I worry he wants to keep me in some kind of limbo. I think he wants me but is too chicken to deal with the humiliation of ed and will want to fulfill my emotional needs without being a full partner. I’d love to hang out with him but I’m worried it’ll be some pseudo relationship. Maybe I’m just over thinking male-female friendships.

Me and DP both have friends who are exes of over 20 years. Mostly, we only stayed friends because to do otherwise would have ripped friendship groups apart, but I'm glad they're still in our lives now, as they're good friends.

It helps that noone did anything too heinous, there was no cheating etc, just relationships that didn't work out.

It doesn't sound to me though @Subwaystop that you've got any real reason to keep this relationship going as a friendship. It doesn't sound like you hang out in a group or anything like that, so whats the benefit for you of it?

Again, you're giving him, his humiliation, his ED, and what he wants from the 'friendship' far too much headspace. You are your own person, and you know yourself best. Focus on you. Do you think, at this moment, that being friends with him will prevent you moving on and dating other people?

(It sounds to me as if that's very likely, and as though you should definitely not engage in a friendship, but obviously, you know yourself best. Only consult what you want here. Someone who is unable to deal with the consequences of sexual 'failure' doesn't sound that attractive to me, but again, your call.)

Very good point. I am carrying some shame and pain over his “failure” which I have not yet processed; it made me feel inadequate and to blame and I’m thinking about it more than I’d like.

But also… we had so much fun together and I miss the laughs and fun times. He is well off and well connected. He hosts big parties and getaways. Being in his social circle has its benefits. All of that is not worth holding me back from moving on.

I think you're correct in your thinking. And it WILL stop you moving on. You've got friends, you don't NEED another. I'd just tell him you think it's best all round not to stay in touch. Focus on you and what's right, not what works for him.

I'm sorry you've had your heart bruised. It really sucks 🌺

No, you can't be friends.
If you tried, you would likely end up in some sort of limbo situation with your needs not being met but not able to move on fully. And then he will find someone else and break your heart all over again.
You need distance from him to get over him and the relationship.

Your intuition is correct. Its rare for any person to—let alone a man—to want to stay in contact with someone after a spectacular failure of a sexual variety. I would assume he is trying to reassure himself that he can still control you and his narrative of what happened so that it retroactively doesn’t feel like a failure. But that is not good for you at all. Politely (or impolitely) disengage and return to the hunt for the right person. Don’t let him squat in your life taking up energy and space.

Thank you for this. It’s been painful.

The thing is that the parties and get aways etc wouldn't be fun for you now because you'd be confused/wanting to be with him etc, your place in them would be very different. I would go clean break.

After he broke up with me he came with me to an important work function we had planned on earlier and he was so sweet and charming and affectionate … it felt great but I didn’t think it was friendship behavior. I was getting something more out of him (he was giving something more?) and after that I stopped all contact. He’s expressed a desire then to be friends when I’m ready, and now he’s been under various pretexts reaching out. I know he’s checking to see if I’m ready to try to be just friends. I feel pp is absolutely right, it’ll stroke his ego and he will break my heart all over again.

Is he older than you, sounds like it if he’s got kids. if this is the case, he presumably knows how to please women (I don’t mean sexually) and how to make them feel the way you did. Is he also a colleague?

He’s cast you aside like trash with little explanation. Probably did the same to the mother of his kids. Maybe even has his eye on someone else.

Yes you were a bit naive - I mean if he was Mr Perfect and wonderful, how did his marriage break down?

Anyway whatever the case, you will be better off moving on without him. By all means take the work help and then lessen contact. Yes that sounds a bit like using - but that’s what he’s done with you.

No, he’s not a colleague.

He claimed he was always mismatched in his marriage and left her. He’s very close to her still.

Out of interest did you meet the ex before you? Did he stay friends with her?

I have an ex who used to stay friends with his ex. The current girlfriend was then subtly compared unfavourably to the ex

whatvis it you want? A clean break for 6 months will give you time to heal, after that time your rose tinted glasses will probably have dropped off anyway.