H speaking to me in a nasty way, how do I respond?

[sowhythen]

This will be outing.
Never mind I am desperate. Sorry it will be long.

2nd marriage for both of us married 11 years ago.
I’m late 40s. DCs mine and his have left home.

One thing to know H is obsessed with money.

When we met we were both high earners. I was late 30s he was mid 40s. I was energetic enthusiastic and always having a laugh.
He was more serious. He loved his DCs and he was really good with them. There was lots I liked about him.

Lockdown happened. The DCs both left home at the same time it was planned one had bought a house the other was in their final Uni year and stayed there during lockdown. Then got a job also a long way away.
H and I were bereft. Worse we had to stay indoors and sit with it.

Unfortunately H is unable to talk about his feelings. His parents are vicious bullies who speak to him like dirt. According to his adult DC his first wife has a temper which often gets violent. H has never been in a relationship with someone who treats him well.

In 2021 we were excited for the end of lockdown.
Then suddenly I had an accident and I have a brain injury. It could be much worse but I will never be the person I was again. A part of my brain doesn’t work anymore. A small part though as it turns out it was a useful part.
If you saw me on most days I look like a healthy middle aged woman. Then you might try to have a conversation with me and I would say something weird or my speech would be difficult to understand and you would probably find a way to back out of conversation.

I cannot work anymore. H and I are alone. I am no longer independent. I do still laugh which seems to annoy H so I laugh quietly to myself.

H is angry. I understand he thought he was marrying a different person. Though he cannot say that to me because he knows that would be outrageous. Remember that he is obsessed with money and I have not worked since the accident.
The anger is still there. I can feel it emanating from him.

To bring this up to date H’s job is at risk of redundancy. At work he is popular and he has applied for 6 internal jobs. Also he has contacted agencies they are all calling him.

Again H is obsessed with money.
He is terrified about his job though he cannot say that. He is angry frustrated and frightened and he is taking it out on me.
He is not shouting. Instead if I say anything at all his reply is nasty or bitchy or sometimes a disdainful indifference.
Whereas I listen quietly to him talking about his hobby he demeans any attempts I make at conversation.

I am not as strong or as quick as I used to be so I cannot respond with a clever retort.
What can I say to get though to him that I he is making my small life a quiet hell?

If you get this far. Thank you.

This is such a sad story, I am so sorry. I’m afraid that I don’t have anything useful to say at the moment as it’s so late and I’m off to bed, but I just wanted you to know someone is thinking of you at the moment and sending you a virtual hug.

That’s very sad. I think you should leave him

OP he sounds like a nasty piece of work. You have a disability and he's treating you with contempt. When you marry you make a vow in sickness and in health but he seems to have forgotten that and is treating you really badly.

It doesn't matter why he's treating you badly, being 'terrified' of redundancy doesn't give him an excuse to be nasty.

I would look into the practicalities of separation.

Would he go to relationship therapy with you? If not I think you should look into it for yourself to have some support.

I’m so sorry. That is a lot to deal with. Perhaps counselling would help both of you, and provide a safe space to discuss it? Sending you hugs and strength.

I’m really sorry you are going through this. I agree with the PPs that it sounds like he needs someone to talk to alone, but you also need couples counselling to help you navigate this new, unexpected, life together.

There are specialist charity/not for profit groups like Headway that support people with brain injuries and their families that might be a good starting point for help.

I am sorry this happened to you. it sounds really tough. No advice, but thinking positively of you, and hope you get the support you need to navigate all this. Sending virtual hug.

This is a very challenging situation for you both, both having dreams and more importantly expectations of life in general, and all of a sudden things change and the reality is somewhat different. Both of you trying to cope with this shift in your different ways.

His treatment of you, is belittling and disrespectful. What would he do or say if you gave him this post to read? I truly hope it would make an impact regarding his behaviour towards you.

Thank you for replying everyone.

To answer the people asking:

Separation is not really an option.
Practically I cannot live alone. The neurologist said I am not to use a kettle or an oven. I am not supposed to leave the house alone.
I don’t know whether I would have enough money to buy a small house in a cheaper area. The money is complicated by the fact that H has a huge pension while mine is tiny. I could make a claim for some of his pension and half of the equity in the house is mine. If he keeps his job my disability and his shitty behaviour mean he may have to pay me alimony I would prefer a clean break.
It is true that social services should provide me with support but that is a postcode lottery.

Counselling/Therapy
We saw a therapist once. H did not say anything much at all. The therapist asked me questions I got increasingly upset and kept crying eventually I was so upset I said “I just want him to leave me alone”. That was it. The end of therapy. H will not go again he says he paid for the last one and it was the waste of time. He has a point.

Headway is a good idea. The problem and my reason for posting is that I have no-one to talk to and I feel that if I contacted a charity it would be like a dam bursting.

Thank to everyone sending hugs and best wishes. I am very grateful to you all.

Please do not be sad about my accident. It was one of those things.
If you are sad that my husband is being a prick? Me too.

He is going to wake up soon. When he does he will probably speak to me in a nasty way again.
I want a phrase to stop him in his tracks.
I would like to be able to make him realise that he is treating me the way his parents treated him.
I do not think he would want that for anyone let alone me.
He is wrapped up in his own drama and I need to make him realise that he is bullying me in the process.

@OnthemaintrunklineI did not see your post until I had posted mine.
I think you understand. You are correct when you write that this is a challenging situation for us both.
If you were asked whether you would stay with your partner following an accident and disability like mine almost everyone would say yes.
The problem is the constant strain on him. He has spent 4 years keeping me alive. Every single day.
It would try the patience of a saint.

To add to the daily grind H has had to wave goodbye to all of his dreams too.

Now he is looking at the prospect of redundancy. I think it is the final straw.
He cannot cope with everything. All of it.

It is a lot.

If he read this thread I think he would be devastated. I do not want to hurt him more than he is already hurt.

I do want him to stop taking his devastation out on me. I want to know what to say to stop him.

You would be better off leaving him and getting your life back with outside support. This has got to be a better option than being belittled and hated on everyday by your DH. Even if he doesn’t mean to do it this is how he is making you feel.

If he has a massive pension he can take that at 55 can’t he or has that changed now?

Don’t make any rash decision but get advice from experts and see what your life could be like without him in it ❤️ There could be options you’ve never considered.

Hi OP, you’re in a really hard situation.

I think that maybe it would be good for you to gain some independence. For example, are there any aids that you could buy that could help you cook or make a cup of tea safely? Are there any charities who could help you get out and about without your husband? Is there any form of working from home you could do- even very part time?

Sorry if you have already asked these things and the answer is “no”.

I think you’re in a vulnerable position and the more you can work on your independence the more options you have. Take care xxx

You’d still be better off leaving him and looking for support in a different way if he’s not being kind to you.

I'm so sorry he's treating you this way.

Record him without him knowing a few times, then send him the recordings so he can see how he speaks to you. Hopefully it will snap him out of it.

I think allowing the dam to burst talking to a third party would be enormously helpful for both of you.
You’ve both been through an enormous ordeal and you have a lot of insight into how that has affected your DH and the strain he is under. We all have internalised patterns of behaviour - he obviously managed to move past it as a parent but it’s coming out now. Maybe he also needs a place to say all the unsayable things about how your accident has impacted his life and future plans. He knows it’s not your fault and he’s an awful person for feeling them but this is poisoning your marriage. Try the charity - others have been through this.
In the meantime agree you need a phrase that stops him in his tracks - I hope someone can come up with one.

This is actually a more common situation than people realise and sadly I see it a lot in my role. Not necessarily as a result of an ABI but regularly because of multiple sclerosis, cancer, strokes etc where working age couples suddenly find themselves in these carer/cared for roles far earlier in life than they expected.

You are both entitled to support, at an absolute minimum you should have a Care Act Assessment and he should be offered a carers assessment. Out of those assessments it's likely you would get regular support from adult social care (its means tested after the fact so you might have to pay a contribution from any income in your name once they decide what the support should look like) depending on how your ABI presents some of it may even get funded by the NHS.

In theory his nastiness towards you may be straying into safeguarding vulnerable adults territory because of your reliance on him. Certainly at this stage if it came to my team would try and avoid that if we felt that it was being caused by carer stress/carer breakdown and offer all of the above services to try and improve the situation first, but if that didn't work we would be supporting you to rey and leave the relationship if that's what you wanted to happen.

The help is out there, you are not alone.

Gosh, what to say to stop him. That’s a toughie, I’m no expert, which must be patently obvious 🥴. The only suggestion I can make is to talk to him. Pick your moment, if you are reluctant to have him read your initial post, select one or two of the most troubling aspects of that post.

You speak very kindly of him, you acknowledge his strengths, you appreciate how his life has altered, the huge concern he is currently undergoing re his employment ….bring those into the conversation. Ideally (is that too unrealistic!) but you’d hope to have the opportunity to explain how his disappointment is affecting you. Fingers crossed, you get to offload how you are feeling. Your feelings are legitimate. Good luck, fingers crossed for you.

Hello everyone my apologies I have been asleep for most of the day.

I am going to go downstairs and find something to eat and drink, give the dogs a cwtch and talk to H.

I will reply to everyone later.

@sowhythen , you asked for a phrase to use when he is nasty to you. How about something along the lines of “I know you are frustrated that your life and plans have been dramatically altered by my accident. So am I, for both of us. But belittling me and speaking to me the way your parents spoke to you is not making the situation better for either of us, it’s only making it harder. Please, don’t take your frustration out on me”.

Expect a tantrum. He won’t like being called out, but hopefully it might be a lightbulb moment for him.

You sound strong and practical and you are trying to make the best of your situation. Stay strong, you deserve better than this.

I bet the dh has a different side ?? 2 sides to every story

You sit there and take it or you leave? do you honestly think there is anything else you can do?

I think OP has offered a very fair and balanced view of the situation, as far as is possible from one person's perspective. Have you ever considered using a little empathy in your posts? You really ought to try it.

OP is posting in the desperate hope that she can make her husband understand her position. Your response is horribly callous, at best.

Op is there anyone you are close to that you can talk to about this? Do your children know what is happening?

Next time he is talking to you like dirt tell him bluntly that you don't deserve his cruelty and disdain. If that does not pull him up short and shame him I'm not sure there is anything left to be salvaged.

You sound really lovely and don't deserve any of this x