H speaking to me in a nasty way, how do I respond?

[sowhythen]

This will be outing.
Never mind I am desperate. Sorry it will be long.

2nd marriage for both of us married 11 years ago.
I’m late 40s. DCs mine and his have left home.

One thing to know H is obsessed with money.

When we met we were both high earners. I was late 30s he was mid 40s. I was energetic enthusiastic and always having a laugh.
He was more serious. He loved his DCs and he was really good with them. There was lots I liked about him.

Lockdown happened. The DCs both left home at the same time it was planned one had bought a house the other was in their final Uni year and stayed there during lockdown. Then got a job also a long way away.
H and I were bereft. Worse we had to stay indoors and sit with it.

Unfortunately H is unable to talk about his feelings. His parents are vicious bullies who speak to him like dirt. According to his adult DC his first wife has a temper which often gets violent. H has never been in a relationship with someone who treats him well.

In 2021 we were excited for the end of lockdown.
Then suddenly I had an accident and I have a brain injury. It could be much worse but I will never be the person I was again. A part of my brain doesn’t work anymore. A small part though as it turns out it was a useful part.
If you saw me on most days I look like a healthy middle aged woman. Then you might try to have a conversation with me and I would say something weird or my speech would be difficult to understand and you would probably find a way to back out of conversation.

I cannot work anymore. H and I are alone. I am no longer independent. I do still laugh which seems to annoy H so I laugh quietly to myself.

H is angry. I understand he thought he was marrying a different person. Though he cannot say that to me because he knows that would be outrageous. Remember that he is obsessed with money and I have not worked since the accident.
The anger is still there. I can feel it emanating from him.

To bring this up to date H’s job is at risk of redundancy. At work he is popular and he has applied for 6 internal jobs. Also he has contacted agencies they are all calling him.

Again H is obsessed with money.
He is terrified about his job though he cannot say that. He is angry frustrated and frightened and he is taking it out on me.
He is not shouting. Instead if I say anything at all his reply is nasty or bitchy or sometimes a disdainful indifference.
Whereas I listen quietly to him talking about his hobby he demeans any attempts I make at conversation.

I am not as strong or as quick as I used to be so I cannot respond with a clever retort.
What can I say to get though to him that I he is making my small life a quiet hell?

If you get this far. Thank you.

This is a really good response.

@sowhythen, it really sounds like someone has to change. Have you ever looked into respite care, having a carer come in once or twice a week, or something along the lines of adult day care? This could give your DH a bit of breathing room and the break that he needs.

I’m not excusing his behaviour, but taking some pressure off would probably help both of you.

Well I think he needs to read this thread to see what a vile, self-obsessed vicious prick he is.

I think he forgot his in SICKNESS and in health vows. Or did he genuinely not consider one or both of you may get ill at one point in the future. Sadly evidence shows that most men leave their wives when they get ill. So many women on here got cancer then their husbands left them. It's cruel. Yet conversely statistics show women are the ones who almost always stay with a sick or incapacitated husband. Men really are fucking bastards! There really needs to be greater emphasis especially to men, on the in sickness and in health vows prior to people being permitted to marry. Either your husband was always a money-obsessed person or somewhere along the way, he forgot what LIFE is about. Love. Family. You can't take your money with you on your deathbed, nor can a camel fit in the eye of the needle, as the proverb goes. Your husband has his priorities all fucked up, and he will be a lonely, bitter old money-grubber obsessed with money if he doesn't have a serious come to damascus moment.

I'd email him the thread and hope he wakes the fuck up before he loses the most important things to him in life. He might be devastated if he reads this, but what about you? Do you deserve to be devastated and hurt and bullied and made to feel like a worthless burden? He is toxic to your mental health and perhaps if he wasn't so obsessed with money he would be easier-going and able cope with you better.

He clearly needs therapy for himself, because what he is doing is abuse. He is abusive to you. Name-calling and put downs in a marriage is considered Domestic Violence and is considered Marital Abuse. And you've done NOTHING to deserve it. If he is not coping, he needs to find ways to cope that don't involve breaking your spirit.

What a truly stupid comment.

Of course there are two sides to every story but this is Mumsnet where posters can only put forward their experience. Their views.

Sorry I don’t have anything helpful to contribute, but your post has really moved me. It really shows how life as we may know it can change so quickly. Your description of laughing quietly was so powerfully sad. Sending

This.

Sending you

There’s a guy I follow on Insta called Jefferson Fisher (Fischer?) who’s a lawyer and who has great advice about how to respond to people in difficult situations or relationships.
Turns out he’s quite a ‘sleb’…
https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/

I was married to someone who behaved like your DH (money/job/status obsessed) and he was unbearable. And dangerous.

To add a brain injury into the mix would have probably produced a similar situation to yours.

Meanwhile, I’m sending you a virtual hug… if that’s allowed 😉

Love this advice!
I’ve recently found this chap and think he’s great!

Op, you sound like an amazing woman having dealt with so much and yet still being gracious and looking for ways to make things better.

I suspect your h is full of resentment at the way things have turned out and you are his whipping boy. So sad and unbearable.

I hope that you find firm words stop his behaviour.

Things I learned to say via a great therapist:

1. is that your genuine opinion or are you just trying to hurt me?
2. that’s an interesting point of view. (And say nothing else!)
3. oh good, when you’ve finished will it be my turn to speak? Your DH sounds like a nasty piece of work. And women with a disability are far more likely to be abused and find it much harder to leave. Speak to Women’s Aid.

This sounds really tough on both of you. It can be really hard being someone’s carer, especially to a spouse. It changes the relationship. You’re no longer partners and he is more like a parent role to you now which must be frustrating. He shouldn’t be taking his anger out on you however.
I have some experience sadly of brain injuries and sometimes the person doesn’t realise how much their injury has changed them, this may not be the case for you but it is certainly in my situation.
I think you need to get in outside help to care for you, carer visits, restbite care for you so he can get some time away. Contact adult social services and see what is available. It’s not fair for him to take it out on you but it sounds like he is at breaking point and needs some help too

@sowhythen if you are having difficulty articulating how you are feeling to him, then I would genuinely suggest that you let him see how is actions and words are affecting you. he might be devastated but he would also realise that it is not good enough to treat you in this way. have you discussed anything with his dear children, who seem to be able to talk to you?

I'm sorry OP this sounds really tough. Have you tried saying something like "I'm not going to be spoken to like that". If he continues just persist with "no I'm not going to be spoken to like this anymore" and calmly leave the room. You need to break this pattern of behaviour and make him aware of how disrespectful he is being.

Would it be enlightening for your husband to read your posts?

OP do you think secretly your DH actually WANTS you to leave??

Do you think maybe he is pushing you away rather than walking away himself and he feels too guilty about leaving himself?

I wonder if you need to actually ask him if he still wants to be with you. I know that is a massive thing to ask you to open up with him because then how do you cope, but the alternative might be spending the rest of your life with someone who actually would rather not be there.

Have you tried a basic, ‘that’s mean!’? ‘Don’t be nasty!’. Or- big guns- ‘you’ll end up like your parents/I never thought you’d end up like your parents.’.

I would be very plainly letting H know how I feel - bear in mind though that men can't process the emotional stuff like we do - so don't give him too much to think about at once 😀or the system overloads and they resort to fight mode (as in defending their behaviour), then they have to go to the man cave (real or imagined) and shut off for a few days. Women tend to listen, process and respond in a matter of seconds.
If you have some troubles with verbally communicating and being understood, write it down for him or email it.
I don't think you can come to any conclusions as to what your next step is until you have asked him some questions that you may not like the answer to - such as 'do you still want to be together'?
Channels of communication need to be opened, he needs to be fully aware of how he is making you feel but don't expect immediate responses or solutions - leave him be to think it all through......
I'm probably not a lot of help as morning coffee has not gone down yet but I do feel for you 🤗

What strikes me OP is that you write really well. You are communicating really clearly and effectively in your emails and I imagine you have some time to process your thoughts when you’re doing that. Have you thought about writing him a letter? It might be easier than trying to verbally express how you’re feeling, especially if when he says unkind things to you it sends you into a mental tailspin. It sounds like you’re coping really well with a horrible situation. I appreciate and understand his devastation however there is really no excuse for unkindness, also there is even less excuse for pretending that it’s not happening. Do you see what I mean? And then because of your cognitive difficulties it’s really difficult for you to try to address this with him. Really challenging .

So you could prepare some sentences in advance and try to memorise them to try to shut down the unkindness that would be one thing. And then also perhaps write him a letter expressing what you need from him and how much it hurting you and what your worries are.
What do you think? XX

just adding a bit more in here as been thinking about it whilst I am walking my dog on my lunch break! I am thinking that with your processing as a result of the brain injury you like the need a lot of time so you could even rather than just saying something to you that could be difficult for you to process, can he please respond by writing some things down as you would find it a lot easier to process and think about that way. So in response to your written things for him to write something to. This also means he has to think really carefully about whether he is unkind or not do you see what I mean ?
Cwtches to you too! I am sure your dogs are a great help.

Tell him you are keeping a diary of all the nasty things he says and if he keeps on you will start recording him.

Apologies. My sleep is entirely messed up I have been asleep all day for the past two days and awake all night.
Consequently I have not seen much of H and when I have he has spoken to me reasonably or pleasantly.

I will read every post once I have had something to eat. Plenty to drink and spent some time with H and the dogs.

Thank you in advance to everyone who has replied.

Op

draft a message or email to him!

Tell him what you have said here, discuss how you are feeling and mention that if he wants to continue treating you this way then you assume he is not happy within the marriage- explain you now know how he felt at the hands of his bullying cruel father as he is now doing the same thing to you

perspective is everything- he either accepts you for what you are and all your limitations or he makes a plan to move on because you cannot continue to make each other miserable!

you should not be getting persecuted because an accident has changed you

you are powerless and cannot undo the damage, however this does not mean you cannot be a strong woman who refuses to be abused by her so called husband

Sorry everyone.
Had back to back hospital appointments on Monday. Fell asleep Monday evening. H woke me up as he got into bed. Not on purpose.
Resulting in me being awake for two nights and asleep for two days.

Have not pushed back at H yet. In the time I have seen him he has been kind the past two days.

To everyone writing this no I am not going to leave him.
However I do ask him every 3/4 months whether we should split up. He always says no.
My disability needs 24/7 care. I have accidents at any time of day.
Which is also why there is no device invented that will make it safe for me to boil a kettle or use any oven. All devices I have tried have greater potential to injure me further than help.

I will try to post more and answer more questions and points later.

Thank you for your responses, everyone.

I am so sorry and upset to read all of this .

Who looks after you when your husband is at work? Are you getting all the help you’re entitled to?

I am so sorry you have such a challenging life situation. You also sound very empathetic to the fact it also affects your husband.

Life can throw awful curveballs and fate isn’t always kind.

It sounds as though your husband is struggling with both the change in your circumstances but also the prospect of redundancy. If he has been quite defined by his role that’s a difficult place for him to be. It may be that every thing is getting on top of him just at this moment in time and he doesn’t feel that he can burden you with it, but he is by not effectively communicating with you and when he does it has a nasty side to it.

I too suggest that you articulate what you want to say in a letter. I wish you strength and hope going forward.

Thank you everyone for your comments particularly the kind ones.

There is a lot to answer.
I am going to write my responses in more than one post.

This is not normal behaviour for H.
Sometimes he snaps. Sometimes he is snarky. So am I. We are human.
I haven’t spoken to him about the way he sometimes speaks to me lately because my feeling is that he does not need additional pressure at the moment.
He is doing his best for us.
Which is why I have not already addressed this with him and when I do I need to say something quick and to the point.

H is dealing with enough without adding days of passive aggression or huffy silences.
My OP asked what do I say? I wanted a response that was short to the point and not something either of us will dwell on.

If life was our new post accident normal I would definitely have spoken to him already.
Currently he has the additional burden of potential redundancy. For anyone who has been through it H is currently at the headless chicken phase of the redundancy process.

That said it does not give him a free pass to be a prick.