Would this annoy you?

Justanotherusername27 · 2025-03-17T23:03:20+00:00

I’ve not said anything and it’s not make or break or anything like but I can’t tell if I’m just being a bit silly. DP in another city with work, big meeting early tomorrow it just made sense for him to stay. (1000% believe he’s with work, not being unfaithful he’s with his colleagues etc). We have 1yo DD and we’ve just moved into a new house and I returned to work today off extended leave. When he set off from his work to the city today he called me, spoke for 10 mins and haven’t heard anything since. Usually texts a bit and calls me before bed. He’s not responded to my messages until I called him, he didn’t answer and he sent me a picture of pints? Said sorry then hasn’t replied since. If I’m honest I’m just a bit pissed off I’ve had to do bed/bath/dogs/ house on my own and he’s not even bothered to ask about us and just went and got pissed on a Monday night. This is the second time in two weeks, but at least he texted and called last time. seems part of the workplace culture but it’s annoying that he’s out getting drunk with work on a Monday and I’m sat alone and he cba even texting. am I being a nob?

CarpetKnees · 17/03/2025 23:23

Yes, you are a bit.

Either you both felt it was best for him to drive from work to the other City, or you didn't.
Then saying the option of going to another City so you don't have to drive there early in the morning, before work, is only 'allowed' if you sit in your hotel room all night, does make you sound like a bit of a nob.

It is really unfortunate it has clashed with your first day back at work. Personally I think I would have asked him to stay, and either drive there later in the evening, or drive there early tomorrow morning, BUT, as you were happy for him to go, I can't see what is to be gained by him not socialising with his colleagues.

When dh used to go away with work when our dc were little, it was much more intrusive to have messages than to just accept I was doing all the parenting that night, and to be able to get on without interruptions.

So, to answer your title, no, it wouldn't annoy me, if I were happy for him to go, BUT, as it fell on your first day back at work, I would have expected him to come home from work and support me then.

Original poster

Justanotherusername27 · 17/03/2025 23:25

I get you. I wasn’t best pleased with it but for circumstances beyond our control it was the only realistic thing he could do. I’m fine with him going out with his colleagues and wouldn’t expect otherwise it just takes 5 secs to send a message once every few hours. Or just one to know he got there safe atleast

OP posts:

Marylou72 · 17/03/2025 23:35

Yes, this would annoy me. He can manage to take a picture of pints and text sorry but he can't make the effort to phone for 5 minutes to check in on everyone? Selfish.

Gardeninging · 17/03/2025 23:44

My DH travels to London overnight on a regular basis, he texts me on the train journey down, at some point in the evening he'll text to say something about his day before going to bed, then he'll text at breakfast before coming back then usually at some point on the journey back too. So not constantly messaging iykwim.

We don't have a 1 year old baby though!
So it seems you're feeling vulnerable and in need of more support, your husband is not aware of this really by the looks of it, he's off doing his own thing and not really being considerate I don't think. Have a chat with him and say you think he was quite rude just disappearing like that when you have a baby.

If you had older children or no children it's different.

Original poster

Justanotherusername27 · 17/03/2025 23:51

To update I’ve said I feel a bit abandoned, he said he had to rush out and that he’s sorry and had 3 pints and he will come home asap tomorrow which is a good ending I guess?

hopefully it’s just a learning thing on both sides. I’m in this new house and it’s big, old and detached and although I love it it’s a bit scary and lonely on your own with a baby.

OP posts:

melonalone · 18/03/2025 00:32

Justanotherusername27 · 17/03/2025 23:25

I get you. I wasn’t best pleased with it but for circumstances beyond our control it was the only realistic thing he could do. I’m fine with him going out with his colleagues and wouldn’t expect otherwise it just takes 5 secs to send a message once every few hours. Or just one to know he got there safe atleast

You can’t be the colleague texting at the table though - it’s really rude.

I travel for work and have lots of team lunches and after work drinks and dinners etc and you really genuinely don’t get a minute to yourself. When you’re in a conversation with your colleagues you just can’t be whipping your phone out. I’m sure it’s really hard on your end, but hopefully you can find a compromise.

If I’m away for a day or less I will send one text just confirming I am alive and at work, and if overnight I send one when I’m getting into bed. If I’m away for a few days or a week I send a voice note when I get a chance, and it usually means my partner is getting a rundown of the previous day in the morning, and then he replies in the evening. This works well for us as there’s often a time difference involved - but it has required a bit of trial and error!

I think if you’re the person at home it’s hard to understand how they really don’t have time to send one text, and I think it’s because you’re with colleagues so you’re still “on” in a work sense despite it being a social setting. I would feel OK to whip out my phone at the table to send my partner a quick text if I was with my friends, but I wouldn’t if I was with my colleagues, and I think it’s because a level of professionalism is still expected.

FrauPaige · 18/03/2025 02:25

Yep, @melonalone is right - it's not great to be on the phone when in face to face engagements.

Biz trips are actually the worst as you quite often have every second of your calendar taken up with meetings - over breakfast, lunch, dinners, coffees, drinks, clubs. By the time you get back to the hotel you are knackered, head hits the pillow and you are out of it. When the alarm goes you've barely got enough time use the loo, have a shower, and check email before the cycle starts again.

Try not to take it to heart!

Gardeninging · 18/03/2025 08:09

Ah it's good you can talk to him and he seems to get it after it's explained in black and white. Men can be like that.

Girlmom35 · 18/03/2025 10:28

I agree with @CarpetKnees
Either it was okay for him to be away - really okay, not just something you've put up with - or it wasn't.
He's away. Let him have his moment away. Being able to not be a parent 100% of the time is important for both of you.
When my husband goes away, be it with friends or for work, I don't expect him to support me at home. I give him the time off.

However, how's the balance? He gets to deconnect and have a carefree time. Do you?

melonalone · 18/03/2025 15:21

FrauPaige · 18/03/2025 02:25

Yep, @melonalone is right - it's not great to be on the phone when in face to face engagements.

Biz trips are actually the worst as you quite often have every second of your calendar taken up with meetings - over breakfast, lunch, dinners, coffees, drinks, clubs. By the time you get back to the hotel you are knackered, head hits the pillow and you are out of it. When the alarm goes you've barely got enough time use the loo, have a shower, and check email before the cycle starts again.

Try not to take it to heart!

You also never get a minute alone! Someone always comes with you for a coffee, in the lift etc, and hotel toilets never get signal! I’m lucky my partner is so supportive or I’m sure I would drive him demented!

Marylou72 · 19/03/2025 00:46

melonalone · 18/03/2025 00:32

You can’t be the colleague texting at the table though - it’s really rude.

I travel for work and have lots of team lunches and after work drinks and dinners etc and you really genuinely don’t get a minute to yourself. When you’re in a conversation with your colleagues you just can’t be whipping your phone out. I’m sure it’s really hard on your end, but hopefully you can find a compromise.

If I’m away for a day or less I will send one text just confirming I am alive and at work, and if overnight I send one when I’m getting into bed. If I’m away for a few days or a week I send a voice note when I get a chance, and it usually means my partner is getting a rundown of the previous day in the morning, and then he replies in the evening. This works well for us as there’s often a time difference involved - but it has required a bit of trial and error!

I think if you’re the person at home it’s hard to understand how they really don’t have time to send one text, and I think it’s because you’re with colleagues so you’re still “on” in a work sense despite it being a social setting. I would feel OK to whip out my phone at the table to send my partner a quick text if I was with my friends, but I wouldn’t if I was with my colleagues, and I think it’s because a level of professionalism is still expected.

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But he did have a minute to himself and he did whip out his phone....to send a picture of their pints! 🙄