I want him to want me like he used to

KaToby · 17/03/2025 18:49

To be honest I don’t think I’d be that interested in a parter that had been icy for years, suddenly deciding they want me on their terms.

Shamrocker · 17/03/2025 18:52

I don't want to explain that I want this, I just want him to want me if that makes sense.

God you don't want much, do you? 😳

Your personality has done an about-turn, so yes you're going to have to explain it.

But ultimately it might be too late and anyway, what's to say you won't change back again?

Original poster

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 18:53

@KaToby @Shamrocker do you both really think it is too late? I mean, I think the icy thing has always been a bit of a joke but yes there's definitely been a shift. Like I say, he's welcomed it but if course it's a big change.

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PermanentTemporary · 17/03/2025 18:54

Sorry to be brutally biological, but how old are you? Could this be a hormonal/perimenopausal surge?

How about taking up something new and physical (yoga? Massage? A sport? Theres a reason for the MAMIL troops out there) and see how that makes you feel?

Original poster

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 18:58

PermanentTemporary · 17/03/2025 18:54

Sorry to be brutally biological, but how old are you? Could this be a hormonal/perimenopausal surge?

How about taking up something new and physical (yoga? Massage? A sport? Theres a reason for the MAMIL troops out there) and see how that makes you feel?

I'm 32. I think it's a bit of a confidence thing. I spent my 20s so unsure of myself and all my feelings/decisions. I finally feel as though I'm getting a bit of a grip of what I want.

OP posts:

Original poster

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 18:59

PermanentTemporary · 17/03/2025 18:54

Sorry to be brutally biological, but how old are you? Could this be a hormonal/perimenopausal surge?

How about taking up something new and physical (yoga? Massage? A sport? Theres a reason for the MAMIL troops out there) and see how that makes you feel?

And I've taken up yoga and cardio exercises though since the lead up to my surgery this has paused a bit. Keen to get going again.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 17/03/2025 19:02

I really want him to take charge in the relationship.

That’s a bit rich don’t you think? He tried, for years and you rejected him however jokingly you now claim that was. I’d have dumped you years ago, it sounds horrible, and your sudden awakening doesn’t oblige him to put himself out there after being brushed off for so long. Why would he risk it when you might become unawakened and start freezing when he hugs you again?

HowardTJMoon · 17/03/2025 19:04

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 18:53

@KaToby @Shamrocker do you both really think it is too late? I mean, I think the icy thing has always been a bit of a joke but yes there's definitely been a shift. Like I say, he's welcomed it but if course it's a big change.

It might not be too late but if you're expecting him to be able to read your mind you're asking way too much. Talk to him. He's not psychic.

category12 · 17/03/2025 19:04

While he's welcomed all this, he still hasn't been quite as forthcoming and I am constantly craving his touch and attention. I don't want to explain that I want this, I just want him to want me if that makes sense.

You need to be a bit fairer on him than this. It's massively unreasonable to expect him to magically know you've changed in this respect.

Tell him like a grown up.

Original poster

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 19:04

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/03/2025 19:02

I really want him to take charge in the relationship.

That’s a bit rich don’t you think? He tried, for years and you rejected him however jokingly you now claim that was. I’d have dumped you years ago, it sounds horrible, and your sudden awakening doesn’t oblige him to put himself out there after being brushed off for so long. Why would he risk it when you might become unawakened and start freezing when he hugs you again?

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was rejecting him. I think I've worked on myself and my confidence has built up. The point is he's still here, and im keen to show him that he still really means a lot to me.

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Original poster

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 19:05

category12 · 17/03/2025 19:04

While he's welcomed all this, he still hasn't been quite as forthcoming and I am constantly craving his touch and attention. I don't want to explain that I want this, I just want him to want me if that makes sense.

You need to be a bit fairer on him than this. It's massively unreasonable to expect him to magically know you've changed in this respect.

Tell him like a grown up.

I guess I'm not quite sure how to voice it. I've let him know that I'm craving a lot more touch lately so that's a start?

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Daisyvodka · 17/03/2025 19:08

I think you need to communicate here, and maybe acknowledge to him out loud that it might have felt a bit rubbish to him, you being 'icy' all those years, and you are going through this big change and it's a huge switch up so you don't want to come on too strong. Find out how he feels, where he's at. You massively run the risk of him feeling pissed off or really pressured if you don't communicate about this. He might be being cautious after so many years of you being a certain way! I get how you feel. But you definitely need to verbalise this one with him. Steer away from 'i want you to want me' during it though, thats going to be a lot all at once - one step at a time, talk about the changes and check in and see how he's feeling, then give it a few weeks and see how it goes.

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 17/03/2025 19:15

I think you are going to have to be the one initiating things and not just telling him to touch you. That’s not really fair after it sounds like years of training him to not be tactile. You say you want to show him how much he means to you but read what you’ve posted as if you meant that, you’d be touching him, saying nice things to him, telling him you love him and leading things. You wouldn’t be putting the responsibility onto him to give you what you want and to please you.

Things can change and that’s fine but your awakening won’t necessarily coincide with one from him, after a long time of having been kept at arms length. You can’t expect that he can just change this and if I was him, I’d need a lot of reassurance and you doing the running, to trust this wasn’t something you want now but will change your mind again soon.

Original poster

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 19:17

Daisyvodka · 17/03/2025 19:08

I think you need to communicate here, and maybe acknowledge to him out loud that it might have felt a bit rubbish to him, you being 'icy' all those years, and you are going through this big change and it's a huge switch up so you don't want to come on too strong. Find out how he feels, where he's at. You massively run the risk of him feeling pissed off or really pressured if you don't communicate about this. He might be being cautious after so many years of you being a certain way! I get how you feel. But you definitely need to verbalise this one with him. Steer away from 'i want you to want me' during it though, thats going to be a lot all at once - one step at a time, talk about the changes and check in and see how he's feeling, then give it a few weeks and see how it goes.

Thanks @Daisyvodka that's really helpful. Sex has always been fine except I haven't really initiated before but it's all those little touches day to day that I'm also craving. I feel so guilty about all that lost time. I will definitely acknowledge the past and the fact that there's been a change.

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Original poster

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 19:19

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 17/03/2025 19:15

I think you are going to have to be the one initiating things and not just telling him to touch you. That’s not really fair after it sounds like years of training him to not be tactile. You say you want to show him how much he means to you but read what you’ve posted as if you meant that, you’d be touching him, saying nice things to him, telling him you love him and leading things. You wouldn’t be putting the responsibility onto him to give you what you want and to please you.

Things can change and that’s fine but your awakening won’t necessarily coincide with one from him, after a long time of having been kept at arms length. You can’t expect that he can just change this and if I was him, I’d need a lot of reassurance and you doing the running, to trust this wasn’t something you want now but will change your mind again soon.

I've always been nice and told him I've loved him. I was always much better at that side than the physical stuff. The physical stuff was always difficult because of my low confidence. I've definitely been initiating over the last couple of months but I'm wondering if I'm now being a bit much.

OP posts:

Everywhichway454 · 17/03/2025 19:21

While he's welcomed all this, he still hasn't been quite as forthcoming and I am constantly craving his touch and attention. I don't want to explain that I want this, I just want him to want me if that makes sense.

Op, with the best will in the world, I think you are expecting quite a lot of your dp; he’s not a mind-reader, and he may not be getting the message if you are post-surgery, he may assume you don’t want to be touched right now.

I agree with all of the PPS that you need to communicate in this situation. Forget the “ I want him to want me” through some sort of telepathy! That’s unrealistic and unfair on your dp when he may be feeling slightly rejected after so many years of iciness.

I don’t think you need to over-complicate matters op. Most men like things to be straightforward. I’m sure he will be thrilled now that you have “thawed” but give the poor bloke a chance and explain to him how you are feeling and demonstrate to him that you are aware that he may need some time to adjust to get used to the new you!

category12 · 17/03/2025 19:21

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 19:05

I guess I'm not quite sure how to voice it. I've let him know that I'm craving a lot more touch lately so that's a start?

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Just say that you don't know what it is, maybe it's newfound body confidence, maybe it's the alleged sexual peak of a woman in her 30s, but you're feeling really horny lately and you'd like to get down more (or whatever wording is more you).

You're two adults in a long-term sexual relationship, you need to start using your words.

Ph3 · 17/03/2025 19:23

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 19:05

I guess I'm not quite sure how to voice it. I've let him know that I'm craving a lot more touch lately so that's a start?

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Voice it the way you did here. He’s not a mind reader and if there is a history of not being overly sexual you can probably understand his reserve? No one wants to feel rejected and I’m sure he also doesn’t want to feel like he is pressuring you. Honest and open communication is the only way.

Everywhichway454 · 17/03/2025 19:24

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 19:19

I've always been nice and told him I've loved him. I was always much better at that side than the physical stuff. The physical stuff was always difficult because of my low confidence. I've definitely been initiating over the last couple of months but I'm wondering if I'm now being a bit much.

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I think you need to ask him this directly op.

And perhaps rein in the talk about what you want so much; and check in with him and ask where he is at and how he is feeling? Don’t pressure him too much though. Good luck,

SomethingStrangeWill · 17/03/2025 20:08

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 18:47

For years, it's always been a running joke that I'm quite icy and don't like to be touched. My long term DP would cuddle me unexpectedly and it would be obvious my mind was elsewhere, wanting to just get on with stuff. Luckily he never took it personally and just laughed it off understanding that's what I was like.
On a separate note but kind of related, neither of us have ever been bothered about marriage. It wasn't something I grew up seeing a lot of and I never saw the need.

Since about 3 months ago, I have become much more physically interested. It's like I've had some sort of sexual awakening! I initiate when I never did before and I'd be really open to marriage. While he's welcomed all this, he still hasn't been quite as forthcoming and I am constantly craving his touch and attention. I don't want to explain that I want this, I just want him to want me if that makes sense.

I had some surgery a couple of days ago and leading up to it, I was eating junk and not really looking after myself. I'm living in sweats and wearing no makeup while I heal. I can't have sex for 2 weeks. I feel unlovable and repulsive but he just needs to look in my direction and I'm desperate to jump him!

Is there a way of encouraging him to engage more in this physical side with all these barriers in the way? I really want him to take charge in the relationship.

Maybe his not sure on what to do about taking charge because not sure on how you will react to his actions and yeah probably he is to use to icy so inside he could of lost his self worth

LondonFox · 17/03/2025 20:21

Soloplay · 17/03/2025 19:19

I've always been nice and told him I've loved him. I was always much better at that side than the physical stuff. The physical stuff was always difficult because of my low confidence. I've definitely been initiating over the last couple of months but I'm wondering if I'm now being a bit much.

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Maybe you can lead him into it?
Like get out of shower and innocently ask him to gelp you put lotion on your back.
Walk around him in your cute bra,etc.
Think most men are quite visual and will get that type of message.