Relationship over but can’t afford to leave

[wizzbitt]

Been together for 20 years. 2 kids both in KS2. Mortgaged to the eyeballs and neither would be able to buy the other out or afford a rented accommodation if other moved out.
Everything about my life is great apart from partner. He’s a nice guy but there’s no love or sex - just friendship - but not even my best friend. He’s a good laugh and we have lots in common but I realise if the attraction is gone there is no point. And I have started to resent him. I have suggested counselling but he has head in sand syndrome.
However, financially we are tied. I don’t know what to do. Just wait until kids are older and then move? This would make things less disruptive for them but I know I’d continue to be miserable as I’m sure P would be too.
Do “couples” manage to coexist while living separate lives or is it impossible?
Interested to hear different perspectives. Thanks for reading.

Can the house be sold?

That is definitely an option but it would probably mean moving out of the area as everything is unaffordable in this area. If I’m completely honest I am loathe to start again. DS has a place at a school for year 7 and we’re looking for a special school for DD who has autism.

OP

I would make the break sooner rather than later if at all possible. Living together miserably sounds awful, not just for you but for your DC as well and they will pick up on the strained atmosphere even if the two of you do not readily shout at each other. If you get on well generally now then you can co-parent amicably apart before resentment of being "stuck" together really does set in and you hate each other.

Do not be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life.

Does your DD have an EHCP document re special school; this I think can be transferred from one LEA to another.

The thing is though, with this mindset you’re stuck together forever aren’t you? School/college/uni will keep you tied together for another 10 years, and if you don’t want to start over now then how much more willing are you going to be to start over 10+ years older? At which point your lending capacity is going to be reduced because your potential mortgage term is 10 years lower, house prices could be even higher, not to mention emotionally you’ll have spent 10 years of your life without love & your children will have grown up with parents who are desperate to leave but staying for ££. It’s not the magic cure you think it is.

Leaving is harder short term but is best for everyone longer term, both of you get the chance to find happiness, you both get your own space, your kids get to see mum & dad both happy and learn a valuable lesson in relationships that way.

Thanks all for responding. It’s the fear of starting again at 49 and not knowing what’s ahead and how it will affect the DC that’s definitely stopping me from making the move. I definitely know in the long run it’s the best and only option really. I think I just need to hear it from someone else. At the moment me and P are ok. I think he’s happy to carry on the way we are which has made me think that perhaps it could work - of course I’m being delusional.
To the pp who asked, yes my DD does have an EHCP and yes I am sure it can be transferred to another LA.

I’d stick it out. Life involves compromises, and the grass is rarely greener on the other side.

You would be blowing up your kids’ lives and ruining the family finances. For what? What is the happy scenario on the other side?

If he was abusive, that’s another matter. But he’s your friend. Stick it out at least until the kids are grown. And by then perhaps your feelings will have changed anyway.