Ex wife hates me

[Mystifiedandnotsoancient]

Sorry for the long post. Please be kind and no nasty remarks as I'm struggling with feeling so disliked for no reason as it is.
Looking for some insight from anyone whos been in a similar position or the perspective of the ex wife as to why my DP's exW might dislike me like she does.

Background so I dont drip feed: DP split with his exW 6 years ago and divorced. He ended it but she agreed they didnt work. Amicable and co-parents well, pulls his weight fully in this area. He doesnt live in the same town anymore as her.

We met 5 years ago and been engaged for 1 year. I was not the OW and his exW had a new partner by the time I started dating my DP. We're not living together yet due to logistics of work and kids but plan to soon.

ExW has and continues to keep trying to keep those emotional ties with my DP and acts as if she still believes shes entitled to wife status despite the divorce and as if I'm the outsider. DP ignores it and wont engage outside of coparenting. Hes had to be quite firm about boundaries at times and reinforce that they're no longer together and she needs to stop (eg her continually posting family pictures on his facebook feed and tagging him in random stuff about her (theyre still friends on there due to the DC) or asking him to cut her lawn - despite being fully capable and having her own DP.)

If she knows we're out together just us, or with my DC and not his as its her time with their DC, he'll get long messages about irrelevant things she needs him to do with the kids. He ignores it but it puts a damper on our time together. Shes knows this and is likely her aim.
Hes fully transparent with me about any communication with her (no hiding phone or messages etc).

Shes always got to try and out-do me in anything I do or that my DP and I do together. Even at one point changing her hair to match mine (yup single white female vibes springs to mind). I dont have a lot of contact with her as Im not involved in pick ups of DSC but the times I have communicated for DC stuff or the odd occasion Ive met her during pick ups she has seemed pleasant but in a 'putting on an act way' and as if she'd rather not have to speak to me.

Recently bumped into a friend of exW's and my DP's, more exW's friend as hes not stayed in contact after the divorce. He introduced me. She was very chatty with my DP and my DSC but very rude to me. I dont know her so clearly this animosity has been fuelled by the exW.

I've always been pleasant to the exW and not intruded into any coparenting unless asked to. Im struggling to understand why she wont let go of my DP and why she dislikes me so much to the point her friends who Ive never met before are so rude to me. I didnt steal my DP from her and always tried to care for DSC as I would expect mine to be cared for by a step parent. Theres absolutely no other back story on my part in all of this.

Any idea why she would dislike me so much when she hardly even knows me and Ive always tried to be kind and friendly? Struggling to get my head round it and it's quite upsetting.

I don’t have experience of this situation but some possibilities spring to mind op:

The first could be that she is jealous; it’s a bit of an obvious conclusion but are you younger, cleverer, have better career, thinner, prettier, have nicer house … anything like that?

The second is that she still has feelings for your dp and he overplayed the “she agreed they didn’t work” scenario.

Or a combination of the above?

The family photos on Facebook and requests to mow the lawn, and the lack of boundaries generally, tend to suggest that she still has feelings for your dp?

She doesn’t want him but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him either?

How or why do you infer that her messages to her ex, your partner, are intended to drive a wedge between you? It sounds like it could be usual co-parenting discussions to me. Why does it put a dampener on your time with your partner?

To be the devil’s advocate here, have you thought about how life might be if she and your partner couldn’t exchange messages or organise events between them? Or if she actively avoided you, rather than tried to be civil? That would to my mind be worse for the children. It’s hard to put up boundaries around family life, but at least they are trying to do the right thing, however hard that may be to balance.

Do you think you could be feeling vulnerable and reading hate / extreme dislike into the situation, where it doesn’t exist?

Thanks for taking the time to reply. This was my first thought, though I am slightly older than her. But I just can't see why I'm made to be the villan even if she still has feelings. I've never done anything to rub her nose in it, nor taken him from her. My DP doesnt shirk on any parenting responsibilities: time, emotional or financial so she cant blame me for taking him away from his kids. We want to just build our own life together as a blended family without feeling like she's always there trying to be the third wheel.

She will be jealous. Probably a bit posssssive too. Lots of people are like this.

would he defriend her on Facebook? And perhaps mute her on WhatsApp while your out. She carry’s on because nothing changes and what ever reason she has for feeling threatened by you. He’s open but is he giving her clear boundaries, I know he wants to keep her happy but she’s not getting it.

You are ascribing a lot of feelings to her
You actually do not know what is in her head.

If dsc are young she will be around and talking to your dp

Just ignore and be patient
Dc grow up eventually

@NeedsMustNet
No, when they're done in the context I've said about they're usually hypothetical scenarios where it's not even anything that's happend yet. For example, him being told he will need to take a day off work at some point to drive them into town for an appointment for one of the DC (a non serious appointment that doesnt even exist yet eg opticians rather than medical). and as we're there we could go for lunch alltogeter' scenarios. Btw she can drive. Only done when we're out together.

DSC are teenagers. They communicate with my DP themselves a lot of the time

Re the messages, this is a boundary issue. Your DO needs to mute and not respond unless it is an emergency. He ought to defriend her on Facebook tbh.

The rest is probably just jealousy and control, because most things are. Just get on with your life and ignore it.

Your main issue is you are letting this woman live rent free in your head

You can’t change her but you can control your own thoughts and emotions

You need to stop thinking about her!

Don’t look on SM!

When she next asks him to cut the grass why doesn’t he ask her to come round and wash the dishes

Also he should not respond at all to pointless messages from her. The responses are like fuel to her.

He can starve her of fuel!

@thismummydrinksgin
He wasn't good at putting boundaries in place when we were first together as he was really anxious that she'd kick off at him and be difficult. It got to a point that I said he either puts boundaries in place or I'm out as cant be in a three way dynamic with her trying to get in all the time. He is now so much better at putting in boundaries now and says he wants to make sure I feel secure in our relationship, but he does need a nudge every now and the when some new angle from her pops up.

@Quitelikeit
He has stopped responding to messages now if its not important, or if it's something he needs to be acknowledged he gives it a thumbs up or a response in as few words as possible. She still keeps going.
Yes you're right, I do probably let her live rent free in my head too much but I always worry that people think bad of me and just like to be pleasant. Over the years I've just tried to be nice and civil. I don't like drama in life, I like peace and calmness.

Stop trying to understand her or have anything to do with her. Just ignore her.

Your dp doesn't engage beyond co-parenting so neither should you. There is no reason for you to have any contact.

You need to block her window into your lives as much as possible.

Your partner needs to remove her and her friends/family on social media or severely limit what they can see.

This is likely not about you personally AT ALL, but what you represent. I suppose until you came along, the ex-DW didn't need to acknowledge her relationship with your DP was truly over. I've seen at least one friend go through what the ex-DW is going through from the other side - having to deal with the grief and sadness afresh, several years after a split, when their ex got a serious new partner.

Possibly she didn't realise she still had difficult feelings. Presumably, before he met you, your DP was not holding the boundaries as firmly as now - understandable enough - but now of course now you are paying the price. (I don't really buy the idea that things like asking him to mow the lawn is normal co-parenting, I think, like you, that it sounds very intimate/marriage-like).

Your DP sounds as though he is dealing with it sensibly now (which is obviously good news), and he needs to keep on doing so. If he does so kindly but completely firmly, the chances are it'll help her in the end, because she'll just have to truly accept the situation and move on, hopefully to better things. Who knows how she feels about her current relationship - maybe she's assessing that?

I don't think you can do a lot - apart from remembering THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. You could honestly be anyone - but obviously the prettier/nicer/more successful/more beloved by your DP, the more painful. Your choice really relates to whether you feel happy to stay in the relationship or not

Thank you. I think this is probably the case exactly as you have put it. That really helps me get my head round it. I just need to ignore it and as another poster said, not worry about her and not let her live rent free in my head.

It's not uncommon for exes to behave like this. She's being a passive-aggressive pain in the butt. Realistically until the kids are late teenage years there's nothing either you or DP can do about it.
Then one or the other of you could tell her to bog off. Until then ignore, ignore and ignore. Turn the other cheek metaphorically speaking.