How do you know when to leave

[Angel2021]

Me and my partner have been together around 7 years. We have 2 children together. Our relationship has been up and down for quite a while now. Nothing has happened in particular but we just don’t get on anymore. We argue all the time over stupid things. A lot has happened in our relationship with miscarriages and one of our children being premature and being poorly afterwards which has caused an impact I think. I have no interest sexually anymore, I am exhausted as I have the kids full time and work part time. He works full time and I’m shattered by the time he is home. I have lost most of my friends and just feel completely alone and have no idea what to do. I feel like we are staying together for the children? If we split I don’t know how I would pay for rent etc as all my money went on getting our house together. I’m just stuck but I also want to be happy and my children to be happy and not in a house where there is tension etc. Any advice welcome or if anyone has been in anything similar

Arguing is so draining.
Do you feel you would be heard if you were to sit your husband down for a chat on how things are? Or would that be taking as a personal attack? Is he an attentive listener that will let you chat about how you are feeling, with how drained you are at the end of each day, the lack of wanting to be intimate due to bickering, would he give you a safe space and outlet to talk openly? Or have you attempted that before, with very little affect?

If the latter, then I would also ask myself, what would life look like if you were to go your separate ways? And would that bring you more peace? Energy etc

We have spoken numerous times and it just seems to go back to square one all the time.
i just don’t have any interest in it either. There is no intimacy at all. He does try but I just don’t want to. I feel awful saying it but I just feel like I’ve lost attraction. I don’t know if it’s because of always bickering and arguing and I’m just drained from it all I’m not sure. I don’t feel the urge to kiss or cuddle and I just hate that I feel like that.
I don’t want the children growing up in a miserable household but also don’t want them being from a broken family, not that there is any shame in it it’s just the guilt. I just feel stuck in a rut and if we didn’t have kids I don’t think we would be together

You've been through a lot. Maybe it's worth trying relationship counselling and maybe getting some support for yourself before you make the decision to split?

You're exhausted and you've got little kids and your losses etc - it's a Lot - it might be worth talking to your gp and maybe doing some talking therapy.

It's probably worth trying to reset the way you communicate as a couple first.

Clear your mind of children, logistics, housing, finances etc.
Imagine its just you and him in a relationship.
Youre sitting on the sofa and one day he says "im leaving you"

Work out if the primary response to that is devestation or relief, and go from there.

We did do counselling together before and I’ve done it separately recently. It didn’t really do much tbh. It helped slightly for a few months and then things just go back to how they are. I don’t know what it is but it’s just so draining. I want to want to greet my partner when they walk in the door and want to kiss them and atm I’m so far away from that. Doesn’t help that I have no immediate friends to talk about it to so sorry for the rants haha it’s so difficult when you have kids to choose what to do. I just feel so stuck

Its so hard to go back to what was. Like someone else said on here to ask yourself what your first reaction would be if your partner told you "hey I am leaving you, what would your response be? Relief or panic?

Two separated parents who are active in their kids welfare are better than two who are constantly finding faults, battling each other and creating toxic home lives. The kids have no say in the matter and its awful. Its also awful to know later on to realise that they were the reason you two stayed together. Its a hard burden to carry. I am one of those children who was left with that knowledge and its devastating. Kids are so adaptive and will be much happier, and you would be too, if the home is a safe calm space.

Also, not having friends to talk too can create this overwhelming anxiety that you are perhaps doing things wrong, doing harm by leaving the family, friends are great, most of the time, in untangling things, but so is a therapist, even if you just seek one out for you. I got myself a good therapist when I realised that I was in the wrong relationship. I had attempted to speak to my partner of the time, but nothing ever changed. In the end I was able to talk to death about my issues and why I wanted to leave with the therapist, making it easier to come to terms with. Perhaps that is something you can do? Perhaps your work has access to one? via work? I did through mine.

How come your friends have fallen away?

Is it worth trying to reconnect eith some of them?

I will look into my workplace and see if they have any counselling/therapy options. I didn’t think of that, thank you.
My oldest is 4 and I know he gets affected by it. His behaviour has changed recently and I can only think it’s because of my mood or something j don’t know. Either way I just feel so guilty for my children.
I haven’t spoke to them for a while. I was pregnant when Covid hit and lockdown etc and nobody checked in on me after the baby. I couldn’t go out ans didnt want to go out drinking once everything was out of lockdown again and that’s what they were into so we kind of just drifted apart. Sad really but it’s life I guess.

I won't say whether leaving or not is the best option.
I do know that my husband and I agreed when we had children together that we wouldn't leave each other until they were all over 6 years old. Because reality is that the stress of having young children will tear at any marriage, even the ones with potential. Especially when you combine that with a shared trauma, a premature baby, Covid, loss of friendships, ... It would take an extrordinary marriage to stay attuned with each other in these times.

Our youngest is now 3,5 and despite how hard it was and how many times I thought that leaving would be better for all of us, I'm relieved I waited. Because about a year ago we started to be able to breathe again.
We're now at the stage where my children dress themselves in the morning, meanwhile my husband and I have a cup of tea together and talk about the day to come. We've found each other again and fallen in love all over again.
I won't say this is guaranteed with all couples. But ask yourself how much of the struggles will be over once the children are older, you get out of survival mode and you have the mental capacity to connect again.

I feel for you, I know how it feels with regards to drifting away from for friends. This happened to me and I had a lockdown baby too. Parenting brought on a sort of loneliness/ isolation.
I realised that I couldn’t change other people but I could change my outlook in myself and how I felt. I started to look inwards and reflected upon myself. Rather than trying to connect with old friends who I had less in common with since having children I joined baby/ mum clubs etc and created new friendships with a similar outlook on life, similar stresses. It really helped and I was much happier. When I was happier I was happier with my DH.

So I guess what im saying is all these things are interlinked. You can change yourself but not others. It’s a different perspective on things but maybe it helps, it did for me.

good luck