How to keep going with online dating without impacting your mental health

[coffeetart]

I’m a 40 year old female who would like a family and would like to meet my person.

People do recommend taking “breaks” from the online dating to avoid burn out- exhaustion. But I’m conscious of my age and I do not wish to take breaks & I’m willing to surrender to the process.

I’m trying my upmost to remain positive but I am concerned regarding my mental health and continuing the process of online dating it’s definitely not for the faint hearted.

During knockbacks , rude remarks, flaky inconsistent people I try to weed out the wrongs pretty quickly to make space for the right fit. I’ve a good filtering process and I am selective.

Last week though I really hit a wall and for the first time in my life I felt utterly rubbish.

This is just the same kinda of examples on rinse-cycle-repeat: -So this months selection were as follows as I said after a lot of swiping / filtering … I was texting 3 men hopeful one would blossom into a date , all very nice etc then the cracks emerged examples one pre date asked was I good at oral , another acted normal and weirdly after 1 week of texting he started blowing up my phone with I mean hundreds of photos of himself which weren’t requested nor was I sending pics back and the third guy was in a very high paid job but he came across shockingly tight with his money there were many examples one example was- he told me he was refusing to pay for a gate he’d installed in his house & was haggling with the tradesman over the price even though he’d embarrassingly already completely under cut this poor guy with the price - it just made me feel so grim ++ as I couldn’t imagine living with such a miser and someone so wealthy could treat working class in a such a shit manner.

Anyways please help I’m conscious of my time and I want to give online dating one more big shot giving it 18 months hence why I don’t want breaks as this is my last go at it then I’m going to consider a sperm donor BUT how do others navigate keeping the positivity vibes up - I find it extremely hard to arrive to dates all smiles as if the world is at my feet when underneath I’m like omg here we go again - what’s next . It’s such an extremely unhealthy process ++ how does everyone else manage it with keeping sane in the interim ????

And pretending to new dates oh yes I love being single and dating is fun when it isn’t and my life is wonderful when it’s not - I’d love marriage n kids - it’s just so fake !! (And my life is in order I’ve a good job in the nhs, I’ve lovely parents , I’ve my own house: I’m just your average person with hobbies etc etc).

And pretending to new dates oh yes I love being single and dating is fun when it isn’t and my life is wonderful when it’s not - I’d love marriage n kids

why not just be honest?
not quite, quick to the church no time to lose but just, “I’m looking for someone who like me wants a family unit before time runs out”

then at least the pretense stress is gone

Don't give strange blokes your phone number. That way dick picks lie, use the app to communicate initially.

Are you upfront about what you're looking for? Put in your profile and in initial messages that you're after a long term relationship.

Be quick to block. If he's blowing up your phone - block. Going on about wealth - block. Messing you around - block. Gives you the creeps - block.

OLD is not for the faint hearted and it's a numbers game. Message for a week, meet for a coffee then take it from there. You need to meet men in other ways such as hobbies and start asking men out

Honestly? At 40, I’d give up with it and go straight to sperm donor. Realistically, even if you meet someone you like in the next six months they are unlikely to want to have a family within a year of meeting. You’re going to lose your chance to be a mum if you don’t take action asap.

The chances of getting and staying pregnant over 40 are reduced anyway, you don’t want to be waiting until 42/43 to start trying. IVF success rates at that age are something like 1% on average.

Omg - your whole post reads like a horror story! And I’m not doubting anything you’ve written. So why you would keep subjecting yourself to this - why settle for this crap. Your mental health is worth so much more. Go to a sperm donor and carry on enjoying your life as you are.

Give yourself a time limit for being on the apps eg an hour a day or whatever.

Make sure your non dating life is rich and full. Join that club, book that ticket. That is your life, dating is just an added extra.

Put yourself first. Understand that you are seeing if you like them, it’s not that you are waiting to see if they like you.

Don’t chat more than two days. Arrange a half hour coffee meet up, then minimal messages until that day. Just check in on the day to make sure it’s still on.

Don't discount people because you’re not attracted to them or they’ve got a spelling mistake in the profile or they’re bald or whatever. Discount them because they live 200 miles away or you met and didn’t like each other but don’t discount them for fickle reasons.

Read the online dating thread here, or there’s a few on Reddit.

@coffeetart

OP - my advice is to get realistic and stop wasting time. You barely have any fertility left, and at 40 - your chances of finding a man who will want to have kids with you yesterday is unrealistic.

Do you IVF as soon as possible. Then date.
Unless you froze your eggs in your 30s.