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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To feel used by long term friend

12 replies

MontanaPink · 17/03/2025 13:17

Sarah (not her real name) and I became friends over 20 years ago when our dd's were in nursery together. Back then, Sarah would ask me to look after her dd quite regularly after school and during the holidays. Our dd's were good friends so I didn't mind as my dd enjoyed having her friend over to play. I would often pick Sarah's dd up from school (at Sarah's request) along with my own. Sarah was not working and could have done the school run herself. She had another friend who would take her dd to school for her. Sarah is married, her dh has quite a long commute to work so was rarely able to do the school drop off or pick up.

Fast forward a few years and Sarah and I were still close and would meet up for lunch or an evening out. She would still ask me to do favours; mostly taking her dd to activity clubs that my dd also took part it which was no issue as I was taking my dd, anyway.

Gradually, as our children grew into young adults, Sarah and I would still meet up however Sarah became unreliable. Despite saying that she was keen to see me, she'd often cancel coffee dates, sometimes at the very last minute. I gave up on initiating meeting up because it hurt when, inevitably, she would cancel. If she did show up, she was often late.

A few years ago, someone close to me observed that 'Sarah is very good at getting people to run around for her.' I have noticed over the years how Sarah's friendships flow; she is all over someone if she admires them or thinks they could be of use to her in some way. Her latest best friend is very wealthy. I bumped into Sarah yesterday and she was noticeably nervous to see me, talking very rapidly and not making eye contact.

I have lots of longstanding friends but this experience has made me feel hurt and weirdly, angry and I really want to stop feeling like this. Can anyone relate or advise on how I can just put all of this behind me? I think it is hard for me to process that perhaps she was not a genuine friend when she always spoke so kindly to me.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 17/03/2025 13:22

Well as your post outlines she definitely wasn't a genuine friend but just a user. You are understandably feeling hurt but you need to move on and just put it down to experience as in there's people like that out there and it's no reflection on you.

Mary46 · 17/03/2025 13:23

Maybe she was a user op. I would step back a bit from her. Had few of those needed lifts for kids matches. Always what I could do for them.. not nice

Fountains · 17/03/2025 13:23

You’re focusing far too much on her. For someone to exploit you, you need to let them. Why do you think you allowed this to happen, and for such a long time? Your own behaviour is all you can change here, and insight into your past actions is a good way to ensure you don’t enter into similarly exploitative relationships in future. What was in it for you?

(For instance, I got a lot emotionally out of a briefer friendship which probably looks, retrospectively, exploitative to other people. Which is not to say it wasn’t, but I acknowledge that I entered into it willingly for a reason.)

Newgirls · 17/03/2025 13:25

You will feel better if you rethink this - she was a friend for a season when you both had young kids and needed support. You now have less in common. maybe you could have asked her to babysit more often but if you didn’t need that don’t worry about it.

Fountains · 17/03/2025 13:38

Newgirls · 17/03/2025 13:25

You will feel better if you rethink this - she was a friend for a season when you both had young kids and needed support. You now have less in common. maybe you could have asked her to babysit more often but if you didn’t need that don’t worry about it.

Edited

That’s also fair, to think about why you didn’t ask her for more reciprocal favours, if you needed them.

MontanaPink · 17/03/2025 13:47

I probably do just need to put it down to experience. I didn't need favours in return from her so never needed to ask.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 17/03/2025 13:51

If 'Sarah' wasn't working, what was her reason for constantly asking you to take and pick up her DD and have her over? As I read your post I was initially thinking that Sarah must be a FT working mum who was struggling to deal with the difference between 8.50-3.10pm and 9-6 or whatever, but no. This cheeky mare was just pleasing herself while you were running around after her. Didn't it bother you at the time? I think it would've bothered me! But then, no one has ever tried to make a convenience of me ...

Newgirls · 17/03/2025 14:01

I guess your kid enjoyed the play time so you did get some benefits too.

MontanaPink · 17/03/2025 14:10

cheezncrackers · 17/03/2025 13:51

If 'Sarah' wasn't working, what was her reason for constantly asking you to take and pick up her DD and have her over? As I read your post I was initially thinking that Sarah must be a FT working mum who was struggling to deal with the difference between 8.50-3.10pm and 9-6 or whatever, but no. This cheeky mare was just pleasing herself while you were running around after her. Didn't it bother you at the time? I think it would've bothered me! But then, no one has ever tried to make a convenience of me ...

I can't really remember if reasons (or excuses) were given at the time but I remember feeling sorry for her dd that she was often with other people. There was no need for it, Sarah was a SAHM.

A few years ago, Sarah told me that her (now adult) dd had asked her why she didn't spend more time with her or take her to and from school very often. Sarah told me that she had replied to her dd that this was not true (it is true!).

You are right, she did make a convenience of me.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 17/03/2025 14:11

I think it is hard for me to process that perhaps she was not a genuine friend when she always spoke so kindly to me.

Even though it's lovely to give people the benefit of the doubt, it's visible from space that this woman is a user.

Friends don't wring you dry then dump you when you're no longer of use.

outerspacepotato · 17/03/2025 14:15

How do you get over it?

Learn from it. You now know what it looks like when someone is using you with little in return and avoid those kinds of relationships. Put her in the past.

OriginalUsername2 · 17/03/2025 14:36

I think there are types of people and this is one of them. She’s done it to everyone by the sounds of it! People are peculiar.

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