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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sandwich Generation - just looking for camararderie

8 replies

doonaduvet · 17/03/2025 04:55

I am just feeling down, at this point in life I'd hoped I would be free to do things for me but it just seems the opposite. Recently downsized but our early 20's son with medical needs is with us and probably always will be. He does uni part-time and will hopefully get a part time job after but we can't see him moving out for a long time, he tried uni accommodation last year but only stayed one night - it was an expensive night!
Our daughter just completed a very intense uni degree, she struggled with mental health through it and I lived with her for 3 months in another city to keep her on track so she could finish. She is now working but in a very full on environment and not well paid, and her confidence isn't great so she needs a lot of support, both financially and emotionally. She is also currently flat hunting.
On top of this we sold our dream home that we built to move to the city our son is at uni at. We bought a new place that needed work, most was done whilst we were renting but we moved in 2 weeks ago and still don't have a kitchen - tomorrow they promise me. It's nice, not great, has stairs which isn't great for any of us and a big step down in space, and garden which makes me saddest.
On top of this is my dad, he lives 4 hours away, my sister lives in the same town now, she moved back there from overseas after mum died (another story) and thankfully keeps an eye on him but I do all the admin - care packages, scooters etc. His dementia is getting worse but he won't move into a facility, he is in housing association so he's worried where they'll put him. He is stressing my sister out and she rings me weekly in tears wanting to leave the small town we grew up in and I don't blame her.
Feel stuck and need some camaraderie. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
snowqu33n · 17/03/2025 05:12

It’s not easy being in the middle. So sorry to read about your house and garden. I hope you settle in and come to enjoy it, or move again when your son graduates.
This stage will also pass eventually.

Northernbychoice · 17/03/2025 06:30

That sounds really tough.
Im not in the same situation but wanted to send hugs as lots of my friends parents are unwell & I’ve seen the strain it puts on them.
💐

doonaduvet · 17/03/2025 07:00

Thank you both for your care in responding, just feeling lonely as I haven't made any friends in the city we moved to - haven't had time. I know I should get out but I'm just so exhausted its hard. Again, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
doonaduvet · 17/03/2025 07:01

The kitchen cabinets arrived, it should go in tomorrow so I hope that will help me feel more settled.

OP posts:
RokaRokaRoka · 17/03/2025 07:04

Didn't want to read and run...
Whilst my situation isn't the same, I have 2 younger children who still need me for lots of things like lifts and support
Plus my parents are very needy and also have medical complications on top but weren't the best parents growing up so brings up alot of resentment and siblings aren't around to help
Just to say I hear you and its hard
Sending love ❤️

doonaduvet · 17/03/2025 10:27

I understand the resentment RokaRokaRoka - my parents weren't the best either but they both had traumatic childhoods. You'd think they would support me doing my best for my children but seemed put out that I put my children above them - I feel I've parented both ways. Thank you for hearing me and for the ❤, sending hugs and 💕back.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 17/03/2025 11:09

Hi op thats really hard sending hugs. While my kids ok my other is so needy 80s massive strops when she told no. Im tired from her antics. Feel for you its hard agree

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2025 11:21

Many people do not have ideal childhoods yet choose not to do to their now adult children what was done to them. They had a choice when it came to you and they chose the same old. It’s no excuse or justification for what they did. Thankfully the abuse cycle stopped with you because you do not treat your kids like you were.

You are also really under no obligation to care for your dad now. And he needs to move into a facility- what he wants and what he needs are two very different things. His dementia will progress further and there will be a crisis .beyond your sister’s control. She sounds already at breaking point but again she is under no obligation to care for dad either. Carer burnout is a real thing.

Put your energies where they are needed the most, put your life vest on first then help your adult children.

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