Is my husband a narcissist

[Rebel66]

Hello ladies. New here and hoping for some insights. I’ve been married for 10 years. We have raised my stepson (18) and had a daughter (5) together. Over the past 2 years I’ve begun to think my husband is a narcissist or has very strong narcissistic traits. His default is to be defensive and to think of his own needs before the families. It can take alot of arguments and discussions to get him consider a different point of view. He struggles with communication, has ADHD and can become emotionally unregulated fairly quickly. He grew up in a household where it’s very likely both parents were neurodivergent, and there was very limited communication within the family.

I regularly feel unheard, minimised and belittled by him and am making an effort to stand up for myself more.

This evening I suggested we go swimming
tomorrow morning with our DD. He replied he doesn’t like the pool in the gym I’ve signed up to. I was puzzled by this as he’s never not liked a pool before and it’s just a standard pool. When I said this to him he started laughing at me and said I was being rediculous / stupid and he doesn’t mind the pool but doesn’t want to go swimming. So I pushed and asked him why he mocked the pool I signed up to, laughed at me, called me stupid. He got really angry, said I was being ridiculous and stormed off to bed and said to take DD swimming on my own if I wanted to go.

This is an example of a standard interaction where I try to stand up for myself. Is this type of interaction / reaction normal? Is his response justified and am I being over sensitive? I’m tired of what should be a normal conversation resulting in me being belittled in some way.

Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts!

Hi OP,

Sorry to see your having a difficult time. Very strange question, but did your DH grow up in an abusive home? The reason I ask, is because this sounds relatively similar to my DH, he has EUPD, (emotionally unstable personality disorder) due to a traumatic childhood.

If your gut is telling you something is off, it is off OP listen to yourself, and act accordingly xx

He sounds like he might be a C U Next Tuesday. The question is, what will you do about it?

I don’t think his parents were abusive from a rage/ anger perspective. But there is alot of mental health issues and neurodivergence in the family and I think he definitely experienced neglect as a child. He became a teen parent and had a lot of anger associated with that.

At the same time I grew up in an abusive environment with alcoholic father and DV. I’ve done a lot of counselling to process this. But I still do feel very unsure of if the interactions are normal or if I’m projecting onto him.

He won’t change and he won’t get better. Classifying someone by a label isn’t really useful if its a personality disorder as these really can’t be shifted. But its useful to look at his behaviors and realize how toxic they are. If you see a tiger: just run. Don’t try to describe it or work with it.

By emotionally unregulated, you mean angry?

He's a dickhead and a bully by the sounds of things.

Don't know about any other condition. But regardless, do you really want to stay with him?

Agree with PPs. It doesn't matter if he has a personality disorder, some other ND condition or is just a wanker. Having a relationship with him is a hassle. He regularly upsets you. You have to make efforts to 'stand up to him' and your efforts just provoke more bullying.

You are not obliged to stay in any relationship. You don't need special reasons; it's enough that you've changed your mind. How are you fixed financially, and do you own your home together?

It can be angry, moody, withdrawn, passive aggressive, depends on the circumstance. Last weekend he was sniping and withdrawn because I asked him to give our DD space to make her own decisions and not to be so directive with her. This weekend it’s angry. I find the emotional volatility exhausting.

I am financially independent. We own our home together, but I have another property if I need to go. I’d rather not split up the family, but I’m becoming worn down by the outbursts and emotional volatility. I know it’s part of the ADHD, but I worry what it is doing to me in the long term.
My preference would be to make the marriage work but I worry this is Groundhog Day and I’ll look back in 20 years regretting I didn’t leave when I still had my whole life ahead of me.

He does this because he can. He is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing.

What do you get out of this relationship now ?I am also wondering if you are codependent because that emotional state does you no favours either.

Do not continue to do your part here to show your child this appalling relationship example. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?.

you have a choice re this man. She does not and you answering him back just gives him an additional and further challenge to take you down. Plan your exit from this mess with due care and attention. You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one for your own reasons, nothing to do with your child.

Outbursts and emotional volatility are nothing to do with ADHD. He is your common and garden abuser.

Look at what you saw and learnt about relationships. Your own chaotic family background has indeed played a part in you being with this man now. This type of toxic dysfunction goes down the generations too, you’ve been profoundly affected and your daughter could have poor relationships as an adult particularly if you choose to stay with your man.

Think about what she is learning about relationships from you two here. Both of you are showing her a poor example.

I'm not convinced it's all to do with the ADHD but for arguments sake, let's say it is. Is be doing anything about it? Has he tried medication? Has he tried cbt?

It's possible that he's using the diagnosis as an excuse to behave appalingly.

If he's not willing to try anything or make an effort then you have do decide do you want to want to live like this and do you want your child to model this behavior.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat and the others. This has nothing to do with ADHD. It is straight up abuse. Its like you think by drinking this poison everyday you are protecting your child from it. In reality you are choosing to have her live with you in a poison drenched swamp and she is imbibing as much (or more by body weight) as you do.

The age, sex, and size of the child determines how toxic the dose is. Even a little abuse—and this is not a little—from her father to her mother will absolutely shape snd deform her life and her future choices. Get out now snd all of you have time to rebuild.

It's not you OP, he justs sound extremely difficult to deal with on any level.

You don't have to tolerate it just because he might have mental health issues or some syndrome or other. None of that gives him the right to be so downright insufferable and contrary, or to deliberately antagonise and ridicule you.

If this is what he's like, he sounds like a dickhead OP.

First, he wasn't honest about the fact he didn't want to go, because he'd rather you think there was some kind of problem with a choice you'd made.

Then, when he knew you could see through this and you were onto him, he laughed at you, dismissing & belittling you. Instead of this being a situation here you were right, and he was caught lying, he turned it round so that it was about you and how stupid & silly you are.

Because you wouldn't let it go, he got angry, insulted you again, and stormed off.

This is an example of a standard interaction where I try to stand up for myself

This is how chauvinistic, sexist exit men deal with women when they've lied or tried to be nasty in some way, and don't want to be accountable for their behaviour. They'll belittle you, call you stupid (or crazy), make out that you're creating drama or making a big deal and won't apologise.

If your husband is like this often, then it's a sign that he's smirking at you behind your back and is not on your side, despite how polite he may be the rest of the time.

OP
The fact that you are asking these questions implies your own body knows something is not "right". Please don't invalidate your own emotional sense of danger.

I agree with the previous posters. You do not need to put up with this. Your daughter is seeing many harmful behaviours which will affect her and her future choice of partner.

The behaviour and the dynamic are unsafe and unhealthy. It does not mean per se you need to instantly up sticks and leave but you need to take action for your own self esteem and well-being.

Starting with some degree of detachment from this person and insisting that the light of day (via an excellent counsellor or some neutral and respected third party) be shone on the situation.

After that you should be able get out of your silo and see things more clearly.

This all sounds very familiar, I am currently living with my husband who, depending on how he feels will give me the cold shoulder, find an excuse to release his anger on me, he wants me to be his child minder when his son is here, so he can go to play golf, but if I say I can’t I am told I am selfish.
we tried marriage counselling and even they said he has attachment issues and would benefit from counselling on his own, he won’t do this.
we have a 2 year old who I have to put first, my husband has said he puts a roof over his head so therefore he doesn’t need to spend money on him, this was because I asked if he was going to pay for swimming lessons for him as I pay for everything else in respect of our son. I have tried to point out he paid for everything for his other two child and still does pay for their clothing, swimming, horse riding, rugby etc. and pays child support to the mother of his son. I pay utility bills and buy all the food as that’s what we agreed to, he now says I sponge off him.
I bought all Christmas presents for our son, birthday presents, he has never even bought him a pair of socks.
i have ptsd due to work and one of the triggers is internet access for children, as this was an area I worked in. I agreed to an iPad and the correct measure were put in place but now my as has started bringing his iPad from his mum’s I tried to explain to my husband last night how this affected me and he belittled my ptsd and started firing other things at me.
tbh, the marriage is over, I can’t live like this and have my son grow up thinking that how his father speaks to me is normal, my husband witnessed a lot of this type of behaviour with his own parents (not sure who had anger issues) and my SS has disclosed he witnessed this with his mum and dad. I stupidly believed my husband when he said his last relationship was terrible due to her and her mental health problems. Maybe he drove her crazy
this is more of a rant than advice giving…just fed up