Was my ex boyfriend abusive?

[Jessie2025]

I have been looking through old files on my laptop from when I was with my first boyfriend, we were together from age 16 to 19, and some of what I've read has me concerned I've blocked memories out.

When we broke up he made me pretend to be his girlfriend for two more months so he could avoid having to tell his friends and family. I remember him threatening to punch me by raising his fist to my face but stopping at the last second before hitting me. Then he tried to coerce me to leave our shared university so he wouldn’t have to see me anymore.

Not long before we broke up I wrote in my laptop diary: ‘I asked him to pay for something so he said he’s going to hit me 30 times as payment, I think he’s going to keep threatening me with it until he’s done them all. Only 26 more to go. He never actually bruises me though as he doesn’t hit hard, it makes him happy. I’m scared. I don’t want to be hit another 26 times’ - in regards to this, I vaguely remember him doing it sort of as a joke, but with a slightly sinister undertone

And the following were all after we broke up, when he was making me pretend to still be his girlfriend:

‘He said it’s impossible for anyone to respect me, called me fat, and said he can’t wait to have a normal conversation with his friend at uni’

‘He said I’m an easy target, small, autistic, and look like an orc’

‘He raised his fist at me again to my face but stopped last second, when I asked him about it but noticed there was no one in the library to see, he said ‘that’s how I operate, no witnesses’

‘He wouldn’t leave my car and go home, I ended up taking us for a drive to kill time until when his parents were expecting him home, and when we parked up we ended up doing sexual stuff in my car. I sort of wanted to as I was horny, but also didn’t as we're broken up and I am already talking to (a new guy's name) but I was mildly scared of what he’d do if I flat out refused, so it was easier to lean into the horny feeling rather than deny it, but now I feel guilty and wrong'

‘He threatened to punch me with keys in his hand, his fist was centimeters from my face and his keys right by my eye. We were arguing because he didn’t want me to come to class tomorrow and ruin his time with his friends and I said I didn’t care and might change our relationship status on facebook to say single, then he got angry and did that'

I know this is just a brief snapshot of a relationship, and I know logically these things are all wrong, but just how bad are they?

It's concerning that you have to ask. Someone hitting you and calling you names is abusive.

You’re seriously asking?

My question is more how bad was it. I know it's bad, but I don't remember most these incidents happening and I don't know if that's because I've blocked them out because it impacted me that badly, or if I've forgotten because they weren't "that bad".

I don't understand what you mean. All abuse is bad. Abuse is not on a spectrum, it's all unacceptable.

I understand that, I guess I'm trying to figure out if I normalized his behaviour or blocked it out

You were scared of him and you tolerated shitty behaviour to protect yourself. I imagine once he deemed it acceptable for people to know the relationship was over that was the end of it.

Did you put it behind you and not think about it until now?

I have thought about it a few times over the years but never remembered the details about what happened. Though when I got with a different ex I freaked out during one of our first arguments begging him not to hit me, even though he had done nothing to suggest he would. I put it down as an after affect from my first boyfriend but never really considered it being PTSD or a trigger or anything like that

It was abusive, extremely so. It sounds as though your way of coping was to go along with it - like the sexual behaviour after you were separated - and pretend in your head that it wasn’t a big deal. That is a totally legitimate way of coping when you are at risk and have no current way out.

Now with some time passed and being in a safe situation, you’re able to process what happened and start to accept how bad it was. It would be good if you could get some therapeutic support, could you access this through work or your GP?

I’m sorry this man treated you so badly OP. You did not deserve it, and now it’s time for you to heal.

I think I will look into getting a therapist with my GP.

I guess I've always put it down to it being a tumultuous time on both sides as neither of us were emotionally mature. I wasn't a saint in that relationship and I could be quite emotionally manipulative/overly needy when I was 16-17, wanting too much of his attention than was healthy and crying when I didn't get my way in a typical teenage girl sort of way. So I think I put down what happened after we broke up age 19 as basically karma for my behaviour age 17, and therefore not in need of therapy over because I 'deserved it', which I know now isn't a healthy way of looking at it.

Definitely talk to your GP. From an external point of view it’s totally obvious that wanting attention is not the moral equivalent of punching, threatening, calling you fat and sexually coercing you. This man did such a number on your self-esteem that you don’t see that yet. You were also very young - maybe take some time to look after that girl who had such an awful time. She did not deserve it.