Staying after cheating

[Shannonz]

Please could I hear from those who chose to stay after being cheated on and how you made the relationship/marriage work, how you felt or even how you feel now, are you still together or did you eventually call it quits etc

Please refrain from saying “leave”, “don’t stay” im looking for genuine real experiences whether it be good or bad

I know the response that these kind of posts can have sometimes so please be kind ❤️

Are you writing an article, or doing research?

Neither. I am someone who has been cheated on and wants to hear other peoples experiences.

Fark, you want the warts & all version?

When DH cheated, the wind was knocked out of my sails. I had severe panic attacks. My self esteem was crushed (ego is an awful thing). I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus.

The lies were the worst. I just couldn't understand it... I felt so easily discarded.

I stayed. DH apparently realised he'd made a mistake, he wanted to make us work.

6 years ago now. We talked. We had therapy. I was insecure for a long time afterwards. My self esteem took a battering. I felt I was unworthy. Unlovable. Even though none of this was my fault.

It hasn't been easy, not gonna lie.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have just let the OW have him. But we have kids..

You will find that people on here open up more if you share your story and your own emotions/experience/thoughts.

As it is - your post is quite generic, and not expressing any emotions. Many would wonder if you are collecting information

Thank you so much for sharing this, I know it’s not easy to talk about! That’s my biggest fear years down the line wishing I had just left, you’re very brave and I wish you all the happiness x

It was by far the crappiest, most miserable experience of my life! Made worse by the fact I didn't choose any of it! I had no choice, no say in it, yet I had to suffer the consequences

I’m not sure you will like my “ genuine real experience”.

I stayed because I had no choice - I had 4 small children, no job and no family to take us in.

He said he was sorry but he didn't act sorry. He was irritated that I was “ over reacting” ( to his year long affair and that he gave her our life savings ) and that I wasn’t over it in 25 mins.

He said things like “ I’ve said I’m sorry - what more do you want? “.

He wanted me to support him as he “ grieved for her” as he felt she had treated him badly ( by dumping him after he gave her our money ). He honestly felt he was the victim and that she had betrayed him.

He then had a several more affairs and left me for one of them. Then I was majorly screwed over in the divorce, as I discovered he had been stealing matrimonial assets for decades but I couldn’t find where he had hidden them.

Six weeks after the divorce went through , he married his latest partner ( not the one he left for, she dumped him after a few months ).

Needless to say, I wish I had left him the first time. I wasted more than 10 years of my life in an unhappy marriage, busy raising our kids pretty much single handedly and working “ for our future “ while he was unpleasant to me and “working away “ aka shagging around.

I believed I was staying for the kids but all I did was expose them to his toxic behaviour for most of their childhoods.

He threatened to take them 50:50 or even go for 100%, and I lived in fear of this for years. In the end of course he wasn’t interested in the kids and he’s never had them for one single night since he left . He only sees them about 2-3 times a year, he’s not interested .

So yes, I made a really bad decision to stay.

From what I’ve seen on MN, cheating men with young children usually say they want to stay married, as they don’t want to have to give up half “ their” assets , pay child support and to care for their own kids. They know they can say “ oops sorry “ and then start another affair ( or rekindle the old one). They want to have their cake and eat it - a free housekeeper and nanny at home and the drama and thrills of an affair.

Then they leave when their kids are teens / leaving school and they don’t have to pay for them or care for them.

If their wife kicks them out, they find a single mum to move in with so they can pay little or no child support and their partner can look after his children for him. Or they move away so they can hardly ever see their kids.

Then by the time the children are teens, they will usually refuse to see their dad, as they have their own lives and hobbies / sports etc at weekends.

It hurts like hell, physically as well as emotionally. I cried every day, it was a woman he worked with. Not only did he get the hairdryer treatment, she copped for it as well. She had form for breaking up relationships, her estranged husband was married when he met her.

This was in 2007, it was awful dealing with the emotions, exhausting. He was mortified at what he’d done and genuinely sorry. After many months of being unable to decide what to do, something just clicked and I realised I still loved him and gave it another go.

We’re still together, we get on better than ever. I’m so glad I didn’t call it a day, I love him dearly and we get on so well.

Just two years later I was diagnosed with M.S, he’s been my rock, as I’ve deteriorated with this god awful disease and no longer able to work he’s been supportive every step of the way.

Horrible. Wish I'd never stayed. He lied, betrayed, lost all our money.

They will do it again.....do not waste your life on creeps who do this.

I stayed for nearly 7 years. People tell you it takes 2-5 years to get over infidelity in a marriage. I never did.

It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before sleep.

Normal events like celebrating wedding anniversaries or even buying him a birthday card were a joke and filled me with resentment. How could I pick a card that said he was a good husband when obviously he wasn’t.

I was ashamed that I stayed and had a lot of hatred for myself. I wasn’t the type of person who ever thought she would stay after finding out about an affair. But my youngest was barely one years old and I had spent 17 years with this man and even my own family thought I should give him a second chance. I also was in a job that I couldn’t do as a single parent as there is no child care available for that shift pattern.

His affair changed who I was. He took my natural optimism and hope and I spent those 7 years waiting for the next knife in my back.

I spent those years getting my ducks in a row, as my children got older and more independent I could see a light at the end of a tunnel. I also changed careers which meant that I could do it on my own with a little help with flexible working and WFH.

I pulled the plug a year ago and I’m not going to lie, some days have been hard. But not nearly as hard as being married to a liar and a cheat.

Leaving the marriage has meant I’ve been able to let go of all those negative feelings and I can look myself in the eye in the mirror again.

Obviously, it depends on your circumstances but I wish I never bothered to take him back after kicking him out on the day I found out about the affair.

I'm in a sexless relationship but have been flirting with someone in work. Trying to be good but it's nice to be wanted

I did. It was never the same. And they did it again. So it all ended anyway. Single now and much happier. My relationships are very much on my own terms now.

Actually sounds good being single

Mate…read the room

Wow thank you so much for sharing your experience, a lot of what you have said resonates with me and has helped me see some sense I suppose. Although some days are hard like you said I’m glad you are happier now ❤️

Yes this is my biggest fear and seems this is very common whether it be months or years after

I remember writing a post virtually identical to this when my partner cheated 4 years ago.

We are still together, and happier then we've ever been actually. I trust him 99%, but also know that if he did it again then it's his loss. (His was drink related - drunken ONS - that has now stopped so don't have that worry anymore)

It was very very hard, but in my opinion - worth it. The only reason I even considered staying was because it was alcohol induced (previous back story of alcohol issues and abusive childhood - think binge drinking to numb the depression), he told me straight away and did everything afterwards to prove to me that he was going to back up his promises with actions. I only stayed because he proved to me that he could be trusted again. We lived together, so moving out quickly and easily wasn't an option - I didn't decide to stay straight away, we were in limbo for about 2 months until I made my choice.

It's not easy, a lot of therapy, patience on both sides, difficult conversations, and a long trust building process - but worth it for me.

Good people can make bad decisions, it doesn't make them bad people.

I stayed for 3 years, but there was no happy ever after for me. I tried but I think it’s very much in the hands of the cheater to make it work. My now exdh wasn’t transparent about what happened. I needed to know all the details, warts n all but he thought he was ‘not hurting me’ by not going into detail but I always felt he didn’t give me all the facts to make an informed decision.

Also, it just ruined all special occasions for me, I couldn’t celebrate our wedding anniversary or Valentine’s Day, I think I also had mild ptsd around any dates of him cheating.

I would explain to people that it felt like our relationship was a of paper, his affair resulted in him screwing up the paper and ripping it. No matter how much ironing or taping the paper back together, it was never going to be the same. All trust for me had gone, the one person I thought was in my corner no matter what had just proved to me that he wasn’t and would throw me under a bus to save himself.

so no, I could t ever get past it and we divorced several years later.

My H had an affair whilst working overseas, practically lived a double life. I had no idea for a long time - too busy raising our children who were very young at the time! When his lies unfolded I was absolutely blindsided, stayed in the marriage as I could see no way out and was also financially controlled. We limped along through lockdown and the resentment never left me.. he wouldn’t leave so eventually I left with a bag of clothes and two pre-teens 6 years later. The stuff I uncovered was mind blowing, the expensive holidays, nice meals out at fancy restaurants and all sorts. Not just one affair either. We rubbed along co-parenting OK since and still had a connection and tried to make it work again, only for me to discover he’d actually already started another relationship and was keeping the two of us ‘happy’ that was when I finally realised he was rotten to the core. I don’t know what happened to the man I married but this vile person who can’t be trusted is what I see now. My teens actually also see him for what he is sadly, he’s lost us all. I’m sad for him as he’s incapable of caring for himself but that’s not my problem anymore. The damage it’s done to my mental health is beyond comprehension! I have however learnt a lot about myself and my worth and will never trust another living person again.

I’m 7 years down the line. It’s tough. The fact that he cheated will never go away. No matter how much he tries to prove his loyalty and affection to you, no matter how understanding and contrite he is when you periodically want to talk about it (when something has reminded/triggered your feelings about it), no matter how many redeeming features he has - it will always be there.

DH has been through counselling to address the reasons why he cheated, he is attentive, loving and supportive. I still worry about what he is doing and with who, that he will cheat again, that I am “not enough”.

How do I get through it? By regaining my independence and sense of self. By being part of a very supportive and unjudgemental group of girl friends who share the warts and all aspects of our marriages, by knowing that, even though I made a decision at the time to continue with the marriage, I can change my mind at any time and walk away.

I was cheated on, forgave him, and we stayed together for 7yrs afterwards. I thought I could forgive him, bur I never really did. Resentment took hold and I wasn't very nice. I also couldn't trust him, no matter how hard I tried, and therefore I became a bit controlling. We eventually split up 2 years ago, as I felt it wasn't a good environment to raise our dd. Divorcing was the best decision for us. My life is happy and peaceful now that I'm not riddled with anxiety all the time. We get on much better as coparents, and are able to model healthy behaviours for DD. If I ever have another relationship, I'd never even try to forgive any cheating if it occurred. It's not worth the effort.

She had a 'one night/afternoon stand' I couldn't handle it tried counselling but left for nearly a year. Subsequently found out she'd cheated before that with a friend whist I was working.
I stupidly went back because I missed the children so much and missed being a father and all the purpose of being a man. However over the next 15 years I completely lost myself. My appearance, my self esteem and everything really. It all became to much and I became mentally ill and ended up getting sectioned.
The relationship finally broke down. It took many years to rebuild my life but in all honesty when that line is crossed its tainted & ruined. You never get the trust back and life is to short to live in a patched up broken relationship. Move on and find a better life.

Boils down to one thing. Do you both love each other? If yes, nothing else matters.

You don’t cheat on someone you love, end of. Believing anything else requires a hell of a lot of denial and cognitive dissonance.

Same experience, except I’m now in a happy relationship.

OP, it’s hard to get the trust back. And when he did it a second time (albeit several years later) he actually said “but you forgave me last time, what’s so different this time?”. Zero respect for me. After I’d taken him back once, he thought that was a green light to be forgiven every time he strayed.

I should have left the first time. I let him persuade me it would make us stronger as a couple. It didn’t. It broke me slowly over years.

I also ignored other worse red flags that with hindsight should have had me running for the hills early on.

Sorry, but that’s my honest experience.