Do I respond?

[FlowerFlowerFlower]

Just looking for a bit of advice, my ex hasn’t had contact with our children in a couple of years (his choice), he didn’t contact at Xmas or birthdays, no presents, no maintenance. If he emails me asking how they are (but no intention to see them) do I have to respond? I have done in the past but he usually doesn’t respond again until another year later asking how they are again. Part of me feels like if he isn’t seeing them he loses his rights to know how they are and it obviously makes him feel better and able to carry on with his life knowing they are “fine” but at the same time should I let him know how they are so he can sleep easier at night knowing they are being taken care of? As I said he never usually responds after it’s just a bit of a tick box.

I have never been in a situation like that but honesty - I wouldn’t bother replying? What’s the point of his email? None whatsoever! Except maybe in his head he will pat himself on the back for checking on the children 🙄. I mean. If he was interested he would come around and check and try to have a bit of contact with them. It’s not your job to ensure he has a relationship with them that’s his.

I wouldn't respond. He's a deadbeat dad. You owe him nothing.

"You are welcome to come and find out for yourself, assuming of course that the children are interested in any kind of relationship with you after all this time. I'll let you know."

Nope don’t reply . You don’t ‘have’ to do anything for this waste of space, he does nothing for you or kids. Is he unemployed? Why is he not paying ?

The problem is, if you don't respond he could say to them in the future that " Your mother would not let me know how you were and refused to engage when I asked after you" making out that you are a main part of the reason that he had no or little contact with them. I think what @FetchezLaVache is a perfect response.

Thanks all kids are teens/ preteens so know it’s him not me (they use to have direct contact with him and he use to always tell them he was coming down and then show up) so not worried about that side of things. Don’t want to offer him to come down as it’s been 2 years and don’t want him to think he can just step back in after so long when he fancies as kids aren’t particularly interested in seeing him.

I wouldn't reply, if he cba to see them. Mine have not seen their dad since my eldest did her GCSE's and she is 27. He can contact them but they are not that bothered.

I'd be inclined to just either ignore, r respond with "they're fine."

I would not bother replying.

That should be not show up* he would often promise to visit then just cancel the night before or just not turn up. I have told them that he has emailed.

I honestly wouldn’t bother replying. He just wants to hear that everything is ok to make himself feel better so I wouldnt give him the satisfaction. ( I just don’t get men like this).

If you really feel you have to respond to his email then ask why. Why does he want to know considering he has no contact with them. Why does he leave it so long in between asking. What would he do with any negative responses, ie they are ill. What is the point of him asking at all.

Make him explain. And if he responds that he's their father and he should know... then hit back with most fathers see and talk to their children on a frequent basis such as weekly and very importantly acknowledge their birthdays.

But I'm petty and argumentative now I've reached a certain age 😬

What’s the point in him asking?

What happens if they are not fine eg someone is seriously ill or something? What would he do then?

I would want to give him a mouthful but probably wouldn’t.

Cross post there with pp who says the same about if someone was ill.