I remember your first post at Christmas, @FunTraybake and I wondered how you were doing. You sound very level-headed and kind, but this must be heartbreaking and bewildering for you.
It sounds like he has been involved with another woman but has realised the practical and financial implications of leaving. So, he’s returned to bide his time until he’s in a better financial position while also relying on you to handle all the life admin that makes his life easier. He’s likely using the kids as an excuse or cover for this—though that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them.
While an affair seems the most likely explanation, your previous post made it sound like he could also be struggling with depression or a midlife crisis. His behavior since returning (buying a boat!) suggests it could be a mix of both. Regardless, he’s treating you terribly. If you let things drift, he’ll essentially be having his cake and eating it—possibly spending your joint savings in the process—leaving you both financially worse off and deeply hurt.
When he says he thinks he’s done too much damage to the relationship, he’s probably right—but that should be your call. If he genuinely wanted to fix things, he’d be making an effort. If you aren’t 100% sure you want to end things, I’d ask him directly: does he actually want a relationship with you, and is he willing to put in the work (counseling, etc.)? You could also confront him outright—tell him you know there’s someone else and that you refuse to be taken for a fool. Have you done any digging to confirm any other evidence of another woman?
At the same time, I’d start making plans to protect yourself in case you do split:
• See a solicitor using some of your joint savings to understand your legal standing in a divorce.
• Move the majority of your savings into an account he can’t access—not to take it for yourself but to ensure he has to discuss any major expenses with you. Whatever is left will be split in a divorce, so this is about protecting assets, not hiding them.
• Build a support network—join clubs, pick up hobbies, volunteer, or get involved in the school community to strengthen your connections.
• Look into housing options so you know what’s possible if you separate.
• If you file for divorce, use the joint account to cover the £600 fee.
• Be aware that once your kids turn 18, he won’t be obligated to pay maintenance or house them—so he has a financial incentive to delay the split.
As painful as this is—and as much as you may not want it—if the relationship is truly over, it’s in your best interest to end it sooner rather than let it drag on for years.
Wishing you strength and happiness moving forward.💕