Life with kids vs adventurous life

[Maja23]

Hi everyone, in my 20s I seriously wanted family and kids so badly. I was dating with that intention in mind. I had bunch of bad relationships (some with single dads that left me bit more realistic about kids / family life). I took few years off dating completely. I lost bunch of weight . Started doing triathlons, travel, got awesome job and new friends and adventures connected to my line of work. I’m loving this life. I’m now 35 and decided to get back to dating world. Now the issue is most men can be split in 2 categories- the ones who don’t want kids or the ones eager for family and I can’t decide which life I want for myself 😭. If I date guy who wants kids in near future I get panicked from the potential lack of freedom, 18 years of parenting , but when I date guys who don’t want kids/had vasectomy I get sad I will not have kids. I’m 35 I need to decide . Any advice ? Anyone dealt with similar ?

Please forgive a mans perspective here. Similar age to you.

I have 3 SKs and none of my own and was totally unsure about kids of my own...until I met DP.

Being a SP is that halfway house in some ways, but should you set your preferences to a guy who's already a father and not wanting more kids, do prepare for those maternal/paternal feelings to creep in, especially if you care for your SK and see your prospective DP as the parent I see in mine.

I'm not trying to suggest one way or another, it's your body, your life and choice. Just that feelings can change as you get older and as your relationship dynamic changes.

The real question is do you want kids? Men’s opinions can change when you have found the right person.

take adventure and travel, the world is not a great place for more people.

I'm not convinced that you can't have both adventure and kids. The adventure might look a bit different but it can still be there.
Before I adopted my son I did a number of trips in eastern and southern Africa, the sort that would be classed as 'adventure' - overlanding, trekking, wild camping.
I adopted my son when he was 8. Our first proper holiday was to an independent eco lodge in Gambia when he was 9, when he was 11 we did an overland trip across Morocco, a trip I'd planned to do before him. We've had tamer holidays in France and Greece. But all our trips have been non package, independent, a bit free range.
Yes you can't be as spontaneous, you might need a bit more planning, but I see plenty of people taking off with preschoolers on long trips.
Seeing Africa through my son's eyes was amazing and he opened up opportunities for things which I might not have done or been able to do if he had not been there.

Wow! That’s quite a miserable comment isn’t it.

Life with kids can be adventurous too! Last summer took out kids all over India and visited the Middle East too. We're always traditional them. Yes having children does the you down but it's also very rewarding and fun.

I agree with @Ted27 — it’s not either/or. The thing is to decide whether or not you want a child, not whether the men you’re dating do. This is one you can’t put on other people .

Agreed! Take them everywhere with you! It's nice to share those experiences with little people!

Realistic!

I’m guessing you don’t have kids then…

To add, parenting doesn’t just stop after 18 years.

I don't.

You have had eighteen years to think of adventure and yourself.
You have learnt skills that equip you to be an adventurous mother.

Once the children are over three they can be active and adventurous with you. You can gradually increase the robust nature of your adventures. The back packing, climbing, horse riding.
Life with children can be fun with an engaged partner who also wants to have kids and keep on keeping on in the real world.

You've had a lot of time without kids and it's very possible to have an adventurous life with kids. You just take them with you. As they grow, you can do more and more 'big' stuff with them. That's if you want kids at all, of course. You don't have many more years to make that decision, so the most important thing is to be sure whatever you decide.

It sounds like being "one and done" might suit you. I only jumped off the fence and had a child in my late 30s when I realised that you didn't have to have multiple children just because it's seen as the done thing, and it was actually aspects of multiple children that were putting me off. (Two pregnancies, two career hits from maternity leave, being a referee when siblings argue, the baby and toddler stage stretching over more years, ferrying two different children to different extracurriculars once they got older, a greater likelihood of needing to go part time at work).
I now have one DS who is now three, and while the first two and a half years were tough, I feel I am now out of the phase of being insanely restricted. There are now no buggies, nap times, nappies and all the other baby and toddler stuff that really limited our ability to do things spontaneously.

Some people don't want kids. It can be hard to recognise if that is you, because there are so many automatic-seeming responses we all have that feel like they come within. Maybe your conflicted feelings arise from you not giving yourself the opportunity to examine what your heart is truly saying. I think it would be useful for you to really explore this and also to know that there isn't a "wrong" decision, and crucially a decision doesn't become "wrong" in the event that it doesn't by itself give you fifty years of unending happiness.

Hopefully if you keep on dating you will find someone you want to make a commitment to and then explore together your joint feelings about children and what you want your future lives to be like. Until that happens it's all pretty abstract anyway. It's abstract for the guys too - both the ones who say they want kids and the ones who say they don't.

Maybe do a fertility check and see if it crystallises anything for you.

What Ursulla said.

I'm unlike the rest of the thread in that I do think kids make it much harder to be adventurous, but then that was my choice - the life I wanted to give ds was one of stability and roots, so that's what I did. I had it easy in a way in that by the time I was 28 I knew for certain that trying to have a child was essential for me (sadly it cost me one marriage to know that).

It sounds to me as if you want both kids and adventure. So put that in your profile. There will be someone out there who agrees.

Look at you having childrens with these partners from the children's point of view not your own