DH doesn't feel "like that" .. how is this going to go?

[Wolbutter]

NC for this.

It's a long one. We have been married for 20 years next year and have 2 DC, 17 and 14. Things have been tapering off physically since the children were born, firstly me which I know he found really upsetting, and then in the last year going from infrequent (every 3-4 week) to not at all and it being him. He travels all the time for work and when at home now will always go to bed before me and turn away asleep. (Really early, 930 or so).

A couple of weeks ago we had a talk when he said we have drifted into being a good "team" and it was really upsetting... I completely agreed and naively though it meant we would be trying to get back to a more intimate relationship. I have been looking at things we could do for our anniversary in April but every time I tried to talk to him or message him he would say - oh let's talk later, I'm tired/ jetlagged. Yesterday I asked him and he said he didn't know what to do as he didn't feel "like that" about me anymore. I assumed this meant he would want to try again but he just says he doesn't know, he doesn't know what to do. I just feel absolutely all at sea, I assumed this is where we try again but he just keeps saying it's been going like this for ages - that he used to be so upset about being rejected and now he's withdrawn completely.

I don't know what I feel - I think he's right but I can't believe it's got to this stage before he wants to talk about it and now he just wants to "see" what happens.

If anyone had asked a year ago I would have said he's a lovely man - obsessed with work but really fun and we get on brilliantly and the children love us both but I'm starting to think he's been increasingly irritable and really focussed on himself. Says all the right things but he always puts himself first, his work, his sports etc etc. He was always much more selfless before.

He swears he hasn't met anyone, my instinct is that that's true but that he's thought about it and that's now what he wants.

I am surprised by how I feel this morning. Yesterday I just want to talk and get a therapist and really work - but today I feel differently. I feel like this is the beginning of the end and maybe we should just rush through and split up because I can't bear the thought of it going on and waiting to tell the kids I want it over. We were both high earners when we met but typically I have worked freelance and part time because of his travel. Retirement is sorted as we have got a lot invested so it's not really a financial question, luckily. I can't even think about doing this to the kids, it makes me feel like I'm going to be sick if I do. Should I hang on til they are 18 whatever happens?

I'm not even sure what I'm asking really, just if anyone has come back from this? I don't even know what I want for myself. I'm 52 and so is he. I just wanted to write it down because I'm too scared to talk to anyone. I might call my mum but she's older, and alone (and went through a horrible divorce from my Dad when I was 16-18) and she will be heartbroken.

I think you should ask him, not randoms off the internet. I don't mean that harshly but at the end of the day it is all about you and him. What does he have to say to what you have just outlined here?

Do you mean have people come back from it as a couple or as individuals?

As individuals, certainly, all the time.

I think with couples both need to be equally committed to making it work and if your instinct is that he's checked out then it's probably right.

Either way, I am really sorry he's being such a selfish arse.

Just really sorry. He does sound like he has checked out. But if you love him, the marriage, and your life you can decide to fight for it. I am usually a “”LTB” type but I think if you affirmatively want to stay with him you can ask to do couples counseling and try—not arguing for the “pick me” dance but suggesting its worth exploring before you pull the plug.

I would be astonished if hehasnt met someone. Google the script. Sorry this is happening to you but you will be ok

So if you organise a romantic weekend away, would he come?

It’s a tough one, but I think you’ve got your own answer in the post. You’re quite accepting of the marriage ending on your own account, and the only worry seems to be how the kids will take it.

Even without the loss of intimacy, your husband’s selfishness has rightly rankled, and he’s not the right man for you any more unless he’s prepared to put in the effort. And it doesn’t look like he is.

Your kids will be fine. They probably wont be happy about you splitting, especially if it means moving house and some upheaval to their lives. And you would need to time it right such that the 17 year old’s A levels aren’t impacted, should you need to move, but teens are generally pretty resilient and are old enough to understand that marriages don’t always work out the way people would like. And most would rather live in a home with people who want to be together, whereas your DH is fleeing the togetherness with early nights.

You need to work out what you want. Either fight for the marriage and take him to couples counselling or even a sex therapist, if you both want to rekindle that spark, or respectfully call it a day and start working out how to divide assets. What does not seem fair is for your husband to have all the convenience you provide without giving anything back, and while stopping you moving on and find someone who genuinely loves and appreciates you.

Thanks everyone - yes it does feel like he's checked out. He's away mon-fri this week, I am going to try to use that time to think about myself I think and look into counselling, we should proabbly do it anyway as we've somehow become incapable of talking to each other (plus DD is here in her room, I can't/ desperately don't want her to see me upset)

The romantic weekend was exactly what brought it to a head, and why I'm so floored I think

Grumpy I replied before I saw your post, thank you. I know you're right about the children but it makes me feel sick, especially the 14year old, he loves us both and still likes to spend a lot of time with us both. They are yrs 10 and 12. GCSEs and A levels are next year

Yes I think counselling would be well worth it. It does sound as if he has checked out and this has been a long time coming. But I say counselling because it might just help you build something new, or it might mean you can communicate better whatever happens.

I'm afraid I'm not going to say that 14 and 17 are good ages for this. But you know that. Ultimately if you can communicate and be good to each other the outcome will be better for them too.

It is tough, and the timing is not great. But at the same time, another 15 months of you keeping it together for the kids when your husband is already behaving so unkindly potentially makes for more stress for them.

My brother and I were those kids once upon a time, and we definitely picked up on the atmosphere, despite my father being determined that they could just keep things civil and then quietly divorce once the exams were over. And yes, in the end we encouraged Mum to leave him because he was so cold he was making her miserable, and we knew there was another woman waiting in the wings.

Your husband may not have found someone else yet, but if he mentally splits from you and starts quietly seeing someone else while you’re still holding it together for the kids, the chances are things will get unpleasant because he’ll start convincing himself everything is your fault to make himself feel better about the OW.

Unless he truly commits to working on the marriage and trying to come back to thinking of you as his wife and life partner, right down to the intimacy, you’re all going to find this hard 💐

I mean you say "I don't know what I feel - I think he's right but I can't believe it's got to this stage before he wants to talk about it and now he just wants to "see" what happens." But isn't that the exact same thing you've been doing for years too @Wolbutter?
You knew there was an issue, and that the intimacy had all but disappeared, but you didn't want to address it either.
It sounds like after a long time (circa 10 years) of him feeling rejected he's had enough and checked out.
I think it could be salvaged if you both acknowledge the problems and work together in counselling to regain that intimacy and communication. But you both need to be prepared to work hard at it.

I don't understand why you're surprised. From what you say he was clearly upset that your relationship has lacked intimacy for 17 years. It sounds like he has communicated with you how he feels and you buried your head in the sand.

He's completely disengaged now and it's too late as far as he's concerned.

Cherchez la femme.

I’m think what’s happened is you’ve not carried on assuming the other is ok with the situation but now your husband isn’t ok with just a comfortable life.
Ownership needs to be taken on both sides for not letting it get to this point.
Do you still love him or are you scare of impact of kids / want the home security?

i meant you’ve both carried on!

I think I'm trying to separate if u still love him or if I'm scared of breaking up the family / the loss of the future I thought we had... I don't know and everything hurts.

I just spoke to him again and he was very honest - that he doesn't feel like that about me and doesn't know if people ever get it back. J thought it would come back enough - and while I was ignoring it he completely went off me it seems.

When we got together 22 years ago he was much the keener one. Things really have changed

I should say to one of the pp - it hasn't been no intimacy for 17 years .. not at all. I would say sexual a bit less after kids, still very intimate and the lack of intimacy has been very gradual until a rocky patch with his work about 3 years ago when I felt very withdrawn and then falling off a cliff on his part 6-12 months ago

I was going to write pretty much this.

He checked out when you didn’t want any intimacy , he felt unloved, unwanted and probably checked out years ago. He might have met someone else, he might not have, he might have cheated multiple times so his needs were met, he might not have.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the posters calling him selfish, yes he might not be going about it the correct way but he’s obviously hurt and is probably worried even if you do get back on track, you will reject him again when you no longer feel like having sex.

I think this is sad but I don’t think he’s selfish. He’s being honest. It doesn’t really matter whether there’s another woman or not, he’s already checked out. (My ex dh left me for an ex he had reconnected with through Facebook). What does he want to do then? It may seem obvious he wants a divorce but he may not actually want this. Do you want this? Lots of people just stay together amicably even though there is no longer a romantic connection. Obviously not everyone is happy with this and it really depends on what you both want.

It is very sad, and yes he's hurt. I don't think he knows what he wants. He says this is the first time he's said out loud what he's thinking.

I think you need to ask him to clarify honestly whether he just doesn’t have sexual feelings for you, or whether he doesn’t have sexual feelings at all.

If it’s the latter, it’s possible his testosterone levels have dropped or he has some other physical issue going on like erectile dysfunction. Have you asked him if he’s still masturbating? Watching porn? If he (genuinely!) isn’t, then that suggests this isn’t just about your marriage.

If he is still doing those things, then it presumably is more about your relationship.

What about the non-sexual side? Does he feel that the love has gone as well as the sex?

He loves you but isn’t in love with you right now?

I would bet my house he has someone else.

6-12 months ago any intimacy stopped on his end…he has someone else. He wants you to make this easier on him by ending it. He feels guilty for giving you attention/ celebrating your anniversary because it feels like he’s cheating on his OW.

Do you understand the purpose of a relationships forum? Posters put down their thoughts and often just that very act will clarify how they feel. It's always a good idea to do that before speaking to your partner as sometimes something will become obvious. Many people don't have a friend or family member they can confide in at this point where everything is still muddled up in the OP's mind.

@Wolbutter there may or may not be some truth in this however don’t say anything to him. Keep it chilled and go and have a look in his emails, what’s apps ect as well as bank statements. He may be genuinely done but it’s a bit suspicious that now he’s ended intimacy …