I don’t understand what we’ve done to make BIL cut us off

[Alittlebit9]

I’ll do my best to keep this short. sister has been married to her husband for quite a long time - they’ve definitely been together at least 10 years. We used to have a really good relationship with him - he made a concerted effort, and I felt he really cared. DH and I went out with them on nights out, we stayed at theirs for weekends and vice versa.

The years passed, and they struggled to conceive. They did 3 rounds of IVF and it was heartbreaking, eventually they decided to stop. I then fell pregnant with my DD. Following this, he unfriended me on social media. I understood why - it was too difficult to see things. Then, miraculously they fell pregnant naturally.

We now have a 2.5yo DD, and they have a 1yo DD but he’s completely shut us out. He doesn’t come with my sister to any family events, doesn’t speak to us when we do see him, despite our efforts. We may get one word responses.

I thought he was struggling with depression at Christmas - he was so withdrawn, we went to their house and he spent the entire time in the kitchen, and didn’t say a word when we all ate. I messaged my sister to say I was worried, but she said everything was fine.

Roll on to their DD’s birthday. We turn up to their house, he doesn’t greet us - we’re used to this by now, we give a cheery hello and go to help set up. My sister apologises for him, she says she doesn’t know why he’s in such a foul mood. He comes down a bit later. Their friends start arriving and he is so friendly, says hello to everyone, makes conversation. Then my mum arrives, and he blanks her. She eventually came over to me and asked if everything was ok as he didn’t say hello.

Honestly I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, but the whole thing felt really pointed and rude. I haven’t said anything to my sister but I want to message and ask if we have done something to offend him. I can only think it stems back to when I fell pregnant but it was so long ago - I’m laying in bed overthinking it.

We are a decent, supportive family and we love them both. Should I reach out? I don’t want to put my sister in an awkward position but it’s making everything really difficult. We’re going to Disney with my sister and her DD next year and he’s already said he isn’t coming because of work.

His mask slipped as soon as you dared to get pregnant before your sister. Like how dare you win the race? Then he's the type to hold a grudge and your sister is now the enabler. She has to he otherwise their marriage won't work. It's literally nothing that you've done wrong. He's a bit of a princess, jealousy, ego, grudges. Just another mediocre man having a mantrum

You have much more self restraint than me! I'd have blurted out "why are you being so weird?!" by now.

Does he have an issue with his child not being the first grandchild in the family? The first one is always that little bit more exciting to the grandparents, hits the milestones firsts. Is he jealous of all of that? As you mention he blanked your DM as well so clearly not just you and your DH he is off with. I think your DSis is just going to keep making excuses. You will have to ask them directly what the problem is.

His behaviour is rubbish and you need to talk to your sister to find out what’s going on, maybe you have done something to offend him without realising? Either way it’s petty and will drive a wedge between you and your sister if it continues for any longer.

Exactly this

It doesn’t matter that they have a child, you had one first. You won a race you didn’t even know you were part of.

I would have directly asked my BIL too if he started being weird!

Families should be able to do that, unfortunately some people can't and the easiest thing for them to do is shut others out.

It's probably the fact you had your baby first. Maybe he resents the struggle they had, could be a male ego thing. If he's off with your DM too could it be deeper, is it your sister he's having issues with. Could be allsorts but unless you are willing to ask him you won't know!

If you have offended him he needs to be adult enough to have a conversation about that!

Failing that, apply the let them theory! Let him be off, enjoy your relationship with your sister and don't let his behaviour come between you both!

this sounds like it’s him, not you, and your sister is stuck in the middle. I’d be giving him a rocket for being so rude so there may be a pattern of this for her if she isn’t.

We’re having similar with bil and I’ve concluded that it’s his issue, sad though it makes us. We’ve hosted them for loads of holidays over the years. He got increasingly sour then and stopped coming with sil. He then cancelled us staying the one night we were meant to be staying with them, at very short notice. We were left right in the lurch due to needing to be there for a big event and all hotels then being full or astronomical. I was quite upset.

i think it’s jealousy. Our house is bigger, our jobs pay more. Nothing we can really do about that.

I think you have to ask them directly what is happening. Alternative is this festers for year

Your sister will know what the issue is but she's making excuses for him. I would be asking her directly and if she continues to say she doesn't know l'd be asking him to his face.

There's no way your sister doesn't know why he's like this. So I'd have a very gentle conversation with her, saying that you miss the old BIL that you used to get on so well with And that he's obviously unhappy with your entire family, and you need to know why, because of there's been a misunderstanding, it needs to be put right.

Next time smile sweetly and say hello you rude cunt... Walk away and leave him pondering if you actually just said that.. .