How to stop arguing because of IL

[bungletru]

Help.

im over 3m postpartum and have always had problems with ILs. I’ve admitted to dh that my mental health is taking a battering following baby and miscarriages - I am coping ok but it flares up more when ILs are making life harder. I’ just feel stuck and alone with the situation.

the relationship with them has never been good,
They are somehow causing issues between me and dh & its getting worse between me and DH as whenever they contact us in anyway, we end up arguing. Whether its them causing the argument or me (I get v anxious, v defensive and have gotten to the end of my tolerance level of how much I can deal with when my dh doesnt deal with them.) they’re very unreasonable, controlling and lie so much.

he wont go no/low contact and certainly wont let me either.

my cry for help is around how to stop it becoming an argument between me and him. Them I get, but its starting to really affect us and I hate that.
I need some sort of coping mechanism to deal with my emotions and how to just diffuse arguments between us.

he wont go no/low contact and certainly wont let me either.

He doesn't get to make the decision whether you see his parents or not. That's your decision.

If you don't like them just don't have anything to do with them. Your dh can do as he pleases.

I think there is no one rule fits all, you should look at every situation separately. You should in a way make a list in your mind what’s wrong or bothering you and think about each of them separately.
And maybe think in advance about their pattern of behaviour but still divide it into chunks rather then thinking about everything at once.

This just causes bigger arguments between us unfortunately

Why does that cause bigger arguments?. Does he refuse to realise you can make your own decisions on who to see and not see?. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Don’t squash your feelings down here, he needs to see your discomfort.

How is his own relationship with his parents?. Is he afraid of them and still seeks their approval even now?. It certainly seems to be the case he cannot and equally will not stand up for you here.

His inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you. He is emotionally stymied by them and has probably used you as a buffer too.

@AttilaTheMeerkatyou make a good point.
his relationship with them has never been warm. They have emotionally blackmailed him several times and continue to do so when it suits them.
he doesn’t do conflict and only stands up for me when it benefits him in some way..

He has been conditioned to think the sky will fall in on him if he does not toe the line. This has been happening since childhood and I am not at all surprised to read he does not do conflict. He cannot and will not stand up for himself due to such conditioning. He would much rather you all got along so thst he does not have to do anything. But that is never going to happen. Who is the main abuser here- his mother?. If so women like this cannot do relationships at all so need a willing enabler to help them, step forward dad.

Does he have siblings, if so are they treated differently?.

Do you want to remain married to him?.

@AttilaTheMeerkatyes I want to remain married to him. I love him. He’s a good guy - great father to our kids too.

you’re right. I feel like you know my situation perfectly. Yes his mum..
and he has a brother but he is a real mummy’s boy, who will also stand up to the parents - he has been a rebel in comparison to my dh.
Because of this they are less controlling with him.

Your h sounds like the scapegoat here with his brother being the more favoured golden child. Seen this type of scenario on here many times and my narcissistic in-laws have behaved very poorly.

He has to accept you want nothing more to do with his parents. Why is he so against this, there are always reasons why. He cannot impose his will on you like this. I do not suppose he would consider therapy re his parents?. How does he get on with his brother?.

Your in-laws arent the only controlling ones are they. It’s really not a minor issue that he thinks he can order you to spend time with them despite the fact your mh is suffering.

You don’t exist to serve as a buffer between him and his parents or to be offered up as some sort of sacrifice because he’d rather they bully you than him. You’ve had no success whatsoever trying to speak to him about this, so make plans to be elsewhere for the next contact. Don’t ask him, tell him. Refuse to discuss it further than that.

You don’t need his approval. If he wont accept that, you’ve got bigger problems on your hands than his parents I'm afraid.