Never getting married/having kids

[jennifermaria]

I’m in my early 20s with a small group of female friends, a job that I love and i feel very fulfilled. I’ve seen a lot of threads on here about women’s experiences with marriage and having kids and I have to say it appears to be mentally and physically exhausting with little benefits. Me and my friends are all in agreement we do not want to have kids, and none of my friends (including myself) have been in relationships before. From my perspective I think marriage significantly beneifts men more than women and I think my generation are very aware of this. I’m really curious what your opinions are on this! Thanks

Marriage is a financial contract the benefits the lower earner. This is very often the woman.

The quality of your relationship will be the same as the quality of the person that you choose to be with..

I’m 48 and never married or had kids. It was definitely the right decision for me, I see nothing appealing about being a mother whatsoever.

Your feelings about it are obviously valid, and it's never a good idea to get married and have children unless you genuinely want to - social pressure shouldn't come into it.

But it's worth bearing in mind that this is the relationships advice section board of a women's website - you're going to read about the dregs of manhood on here by definition, and the type of idiots whose long suffering partners generally post here are not representative of men, or relationships, in general. Most people are happy in their relationships; most people are content with parenthood.

Being married has benefitted me immensely.

Looking around at friends with twat husbands, it's not so good but if you find the right person, it's fab.

People change a lot in their 20s

if you don’t want to have children or get married then don’t.

marriage is a legal contract. The Worst thing to do is to hand men all the advantages of being married with none of the legal responsibilities

Are both your parents still alive? The day my Dad died (when I was 22) was the day I remember realising that I wanted kids. I realised that night that, in the end, the power of that love that you have for the person that brought you into the world, is what matters more than anything. Or it did for me, and I wanted to experience it with a child of my own.

I'm in my forties and blissfully childfree. Look up who the happiest people in society are, statistically.

Marriage- meh. Mine is great, but who you sign that legal document with is crucial. If it's just some asshole- that's signing up for a shit life, if you choose a fantastic spouse your life will be easier and fun.

Whatever is right for you OP.

Not much else to say.

Would strongly disagree that most people are happy in their relationships. There are various stats about this, but even anecdotally.

The divorce rate is generally 45- 50% ish so imagine how many more who are still together are unhappy considering how difficult it is to split, financially, emotionally and with kids involved.

I would say get married before having children, if it's in your interest to do so.

there’s certainly truth in what you’re saying, however from my own personal observations on other people’s marriages, very few of them seem to be happy marriages.

Marriage and kids have been wonderful for me (married 21 years with three teenage DC), but it's absolutely fine for you to make a different decision.

I’m incredibly happy in my second marriage!!
was the first time really until we lost a child which completely divided us.
was single for many years but then found my now DH - happy single but happier married again

As a poster said upthread, people in happy relationships don’t post for advice so please don’t base your idea of men and marriage on what you read on here. Also, if you have no male friends (why is that?), you’re missing out on the opportunity to experience relaxed and easygoing male companionship. We’re all human and more unites us than divides us.

Most of my friends and I have found lovely life partners and are happy and fulfilled in our relationships - they are an important part of our lives but not the only thing in our lives. It may be coincidence but most of us were that bit older when we met our life partners - late 20s/30s. We have work, family, friendships and other hobbies and interests also.

It’s a cliche but having children has been the most challenging and rewarding experience and my daughters enrich my life beyond measure. But I was mid-30s when I became a mum. It’s not something I would have wanted when I was in my early 20s. Some people are ready for parenthood then, but most aren’t.

It’s good to be footloose and fancy free in your 20s - I worked abroad for a while and retrained for my current career and didn’t meet my now husband until I was nearly 30. You’re very young. No need to rush.

I think it depends on who you choose to marry... My husband is amazing and genuinely my best friend we have a great laugh together and he's the only person I feel completely at home with. Now raising kids together and I feel completely fulfilled. However I do think i'm very lucky as 3 of my close friends have choose men that have been absolutely awful as soon as the honeymoon period is over. One of which had children with, he has made her life a living hell and she is bound to him for life because of the kids (well at least until they are older).
I think it's definitely worth it if you find some one who loves and respects you but if your going to settle for just anyone to start a family then you may as well stay single to avoid the grieve.

And many single people are unhappy too.
Being a human being is hard and fraught with difficult decisions. There's a biological drive to procreate and couple; if you escape this drive you may be extremely lucky, that's one way of looking around it. Or it may leave you still feeling lonely and unfulfilled. We're complex. We're complex if we live alone and we're complex if we don't.
We do - or rather you do - at least live in a time when the choices for women have loosened up. At least if you live in a liberal democracy, at least if you have a tolerant family of origin, and if your own make-up allows you to feel free enough to make these decisions. Again, if all of this aligns you are extremely lucky.
But also if you meet someone you're compatible with and you find parenting pleasurable more than traumatic, you are extremely lucky.
Make the best decisions you can for who you are. But never, ever imagine that you can extrapolate from that to making blanket judgements and proscriptions for the rest of humanity. Especially while you are still young.
Best of luck @jennifermaria.

I am married, no kids and no
plans to have any. Too old (almost!)

My husband is a good man and we have a good relationship.

I am immeasurably better off financially being married to him than I would be without. Now and when we’re at retirement age.

This is due to a combination of poor decision making and lack of planning in my earlier years, plus the massive lack of confidence i had in myself to be capable of having a well paid job.

But my circumstances may be very different to yours.

I felt the same in my early 20s, to the point I looked into sterilisation and was planning how best to save to buy a house by myself. As I got older, I met more examples of healthy relationships and realised how jaded my view was by the poor examples I’d seen previously.

I met a man who is a truly equal partner in every way, and knew he would be an equal parent too. So now I’m married with a child and very happy. The key thing was not putting up with bullshit. Only settling down with someone where we were just compatible on the big things by nature, not me having to ask him to change or persuade him to care.

I’ve never met anyone who had a man who was lovely but only changed after being together long enough to get married. Maybe some cases where he started out nice and his laziness, selfishness, unkindness etc only showed a few months in, but it was always apparent long before big commitments and they ignored it.

I think it's ok that you have this view, but you should never say never and allow yourself to change your mind (or not) just like your view on everything else in life. I'm very happily married and personally don't agree with your statement. My DH and DS add greatly to my happiness

You're in your early twenties.
A lot of living, and learning, ahead.