Do you ever think you’d be better off alone, even if your partner is great?

[HistoryAndNature]

Does anybody out there ever think they’d be fine or even better off single? Even if their relationship has no real issues?

I’m 37, married for about 8 months but together 8.5 years or so and living together for around 3.5 (own a house together). I am quite independent and involved in running a successful business with my family, travel quite a bit. Prior to buying this house with DH I owned a little flat by myself and was fairly content but found DH through internet dating, so evidently at that time I wanted to be with someone. Neither of us want children so that is not a factor.

Recently I am starting to fret that I wouldn’t somehow be better off alone. My DH is a lovely man and our relationship is the envy of many people… he is kind, interesting, attractive and responsible and we have many interests in common. However, we have a small house and I also work from home and he rarely goes out, so we are together a lot of the time (he goes out to work but gets home fairly early). I find I miss the freedom of being able to make decisions by myself and I don’t have much patience for him if he’s not in a great mood. Lately he has also started mansplaining things from time to time, not realising he’s doing it, and I hate it. I avoid conflict and usually don’t tackle him on it as I can’t bear the fall-out!

I sound really ungrateful as I know many people would love to have this fantastic husband, perhaps it’s just a wobble of some sort. I just start to think I really don’t “need” him for anything and whilst I enjoy his company, I’m also very content in my own company too. Even though we mostly have a nice time together. Most of our neighbours are women living alone for various reasons and they all seem quite content with it (but who can really know) and I am envious of their independence somehow… even though I know many people are envious of what I have! From a purely financial perspective I need him in order to avoid to stay in our home, which I love, and I suppose being alone would also mean no sex potentially. But like many women I struggle to find the motivation for that with work and life worries on my mind anyway, so I am not sure how much I would miss it and I don’t think that’s really a factor.

Sorry for the long ramble. I just wondered if anybody else feels this way sometimes or if anyone did make the conscious decision to be alone in the end and how it panned out. I’ve given myself a cut-off point and said if after five years of marriage I still feel I’d be better off alone then that’s the path I will choose. As for whether or not I’d ever be bold enough to leave and potentially ruin his life (he’s very committed to us) is another question. He is a good man and I know I am lucky… perhaps reality is just setting in that this is it now for the next 50 years. 🙈

I think it's perfectly normal to still crave your own space and time. I've been married 5 years, with DH for 13 in total. Prior to this I also lived alone in a gorgeous little flat. I look back very fondly on those days! It doesn't mean I love DH less or want to be single though.

I'd suggest maintaining a degree of independence in other ways. For me, I still go on a trip once a year with my friends. I go on occasional weekends away with friends too (DH and I do these things together as well). DH is more of a homebody than me but he's happy to get his space at home whilst I go away. We have separate hobbies too.

I know some couples are different and would interpret what you're saying as a bad sign, because their partners are their reason for being (there was another thread on here a few weeks ago discussing if it's normal for married women to still go on holiday with their girlfriends, and it was almost a 50/50 split between those who said yes and those who would only travel with DH). That's fine too, if that's what people want to do and they get enjoyment from it. But there's no set way of being within a relationship, and I think for people like us who've enjoyed a period of independence first, that desire for alone time is always going to be a part of you.

op I think you need to talk to him and tell him what you’ve said here. It’s not fair that you’ve set a limit of 5 years and would throw a bomb into your relationship without telling him what the issues are.

i think it’s normal to like alone time and sometimes I need a day trip on my own away from dp and he understands (although we don’t live together).

Oh yes. Married 30 years and I often dream of a little cottage by the sea with just me and the cat.

I think people will give you different answers depending on their own perspective. As someone who has been single for twelve years, I would say if your husband is a fundamentally decent man, the best way forward is open and honest communication, not silently registering what you are unhappy about and having a mental deadline of when you will leave by. Discuss the things which are bothering you and together work out a strategy for addressing them. What is important is whether and how he responds to you addressing problems; you should be able to talk and work out a strategy together. If that is not possible, then you have a problem.

I am very independent and like my autonomy, but it gets lonely. In my case, a full-time job and bringing up children on my own has made it hard to maintain a decent social circle, and I think a decent social circle is very important if you are single, and it sounds like you need interests which will get you out the house.

I find working from home quite isolating, and it sounds like that is part of the problem for you as well, maybe for different reasons.

I love being alone now, even though I’m still young (ish) I’m not considering ever getting in another relationship and if I do in my older years, I will never live with anyone again except my children x

I think its normal to have them thoughts of thinking op.
Some love it like it some would miss it others dont want it.
Im single and love it im very independent and i dont need or want to rely on anyone.
I dont need a man if i want one i`ll find one because id want to try and have a relationship but i dont need one needing is clingy to me.
I wont be with anyone because i need them i would never be with someone for money either.
I was always told to have my own security be my own security never rely on someone else for it.
Marriage whats mine is mine and i wont give it up in a divorce 10 odd years later to someone that didnt help me get it in the first place prenup would be first thing to sign.
But thats me.
Op we can and do all need a bit of alone time with just ourselfs.
And its normal.
Maybe you should talk to him and get it all out in the open how you feel.

Sounds like you need some space rather than you need to rethink your marriage. Honestly my utopia would be a little flat near the family home so I can live by myself sometimes.

I have a lovely man, he is quite a ponderous deep thinker, not very quick overall and needs reminding about tidiness. Those are my annoyances. We have been married for 25 years. I was told by a friend who is a psychotherapist that people expect eveythjng from their partner and it’s unrealistic. So for instance I laugh with DH but the laughing with my women friends is somehow different. I also still enjoy time alone and we both make time to be alone.

Single women in their 50's are the happiest I know.
I think you are not in love and are realising it.
It sounds like buyers regret to me.
It may settle or it may not.
Continue to invest in your own life and make financial provision for yourself.
A short marriage with no children you could walk away with what you brought into it.
Mansplaining is really fxxking irritating so I can well imagine it giving you the ick.
I couldn't live with or be listening to it.
It will likely get a lot worse, so monitor it carefully.

Oh do not underestimate the impact of a lack of space. It sounds like you are on top of each other and that would irritate the most loving of couples.
I am married a long time and our large house has been a huge blessing in giving us space from each other!
Look at the space issue seriously.

Sorry, I am coming back to the point that you hate conflict and don’t usually tackle your husband on things because of the fall-out. Because this negates my advice about open and honest communication really.
One of the things I learned at work was that conflict can lead to creative solutions if properly managed. It requires people to want to work to find a different solution though. So I am wondering what the fall-out is that you are afraid of.

I do sometimes. I have been with DH for 20 years and we have a great relationship and love each other. But he can be difficult and can be challenging to live with- he is a bit of a hoarder for a start and has no sense of pride in what is a very lovely home. I sometimes dream of being alone, getting all the maintenance and decorations done and living in the sort of environment I want to. This was his house for 20 years before we met and he essentially inherited most of his grandparents Victorian furniture which is lovely but they had a much bigger house (a manor really) so our house is very very cluttered up and dark.

I think it's healthier not to depend on 1 person for your entire happiness - they should be a part of your happiness but you should maintain your own interests and passions. My husband and I have separate friends and hobbies, go away together and separately and have unrelated careers. We've been together for decades and Im still very happy with him. Don't feel like everything has to be your husband - keep making space for yourself in your life.

All the time! (Isn't that quite normal?) And my Dh is lovely, although even he gets on my nerves!

Wow, thanks for all the great replies - lots of input here and I appreciate it.

To give a bit more context, I travel several times a year through work without him doing an activity I enjoy (I don’t want to say too much in case someone could identify me 🙈). I also see friends and have some hobbies, including volunteering. He does go to the gym but is quiet and doesn’t have many friends (by choice, people adore him!) and prefers to stay at home with me whenever possible.

When I say I avoid conflict I am very much a people pleaser and I don’t like upsetting people, it really makes me anxious. I am getting better as I get older though. Having said that, I struggle to be sympathetic about some things… I think he feels hard done by in life somehow but we are very fortunate in my opinion. I think that vibe from him and the recent mansplaining has just worn me down a bit but I suppose those of you saying it are right… I should just tell him that and see what happens.

This is definitely salvageable OP. It’s a question of taking a deep breath and telling him what you’ve told us.

I was a bit like you about conflict when I was your age, so I empathise. As I’ve got older I have started to regard plain speaking (within reason of course) as a positive thing which can yield good results.

Why did you marry him? You must have a reason why. What did you expect the relationship to be? I’m not married but me and my partner have a child together- and we have had a moment where we have made a mutual decision that this is it. And honestly we are both very independent people and had our own lives before the relationship - and whilst in a relationship we have moments where we excercise our independence (go and see friends etc) and moments where we do things together (outings, certain social events).

The part of your post that I resonated with were those moments where I know I would have maybe gone out or done XYZ if I were single, but maybe I’ve chosen to stay home. And because we are both quite homey, we do have weeks where we feel less productive. I guess it’s different with children, but something we always do is talk. If I feel like doing something spontaneous I say it out loud to get his reaction - he is usually supportive, but I think you need to find the magic in your relationship.

I think me and my partner know deep down that we are just as good single as we are together - so we’ve chosen eachother now and it’s up to us to make it work. If you don’t like something - tell him - and if you don’t like conflict, you must know the best way to tell him criticism without ruining the relationship. I would say something like “why do men always feel like they need to explain the basic stuff to women?” See his response, and find a way to say “sometimes that’s what you do”. - again I don’t know the best way he will respond - I agree with everyone that says communicate.

Also maybe do something together that you wouldn’t normally do. Watch a film - go to a resturant - find a random event ?