Help getting pre teen to open up

JollyDollyPolly · 2025-03-14T22:09:09+00:00

I’m finding my daughter is increasingly secretive or closed off from me, she is 11 (final year primary) bright, has some good friends and seems happy at school. However she never tells me anything about what’s happening in her own world, I want to be able to discuss puberty and boys and changes and just get to know her as she develops into a teenager. But I feel like any attempt to talk (in the car, when we’re cuddled up, out for coffee or a walk etc) is met with an absolute dismissal. I want her to feel like she can be open with me but don’t know how to help that relationship develop. We’ve always been loving and close and she is a happy well adjusted child, I just want her to feel able to talk to me about stuff she might find embarrassing or hard. Not sure what I’m asking really

KittenPause · 14/03/2025 22:16

You’re interrogating her

You need to focus on fun stuff and then she’ll open up in her own time

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/03/2025 22:21

Welcome to the world of having a (nearly) teenager.

My advice would be to learn to love silence. You want to ask questions, but you need to let her want to tell you things, trying to pull them out of her will only make her clam up.

I always found the best way to get DD to talk was go for a long walk with her and accept that the first half of it would be spent in near silence. By the end she'd always be chatting away.

itsnotalwaysthateasy · 14/03/2025 22:28

Why should you know?!
It's about at this age they have secrets. They're learning independence, so dont want you to know.
If their home has been a happy and supportive one, they'll come to ask if they're struggling.
She will come back and ask for help if you are a lovely Mum 😊

Sodthesystem · 14/03/2025 22:32

How cringe it would be having your mum try to discuss puberty and boys with you. Ick.

She's your daughter op, not your bestie. Stop asking her to drop her boundaries. It's setting her up to feel she owes people to over share about herself even when it makes her uncomfortable. Good on her for having the self respect to shut down your boundary pushing.

Your job and a mum is simply to say 'you know I'm here IF you ever need to talk'.

Original poster

JollyDollyPolly · 14/03/2025 22:46

Thank you @VimesandhisCardboardBoots that’s actually really helpful. I’m not trying to push conversations or boundaries, and certainly not interrogating her! I just want my little girl to feel open to being able to talk to me if she needs to. I rarely ask her questions just let her know I’m here if she wants to or needs to chat. I had a pretty hard childhood and adolescence that I felt a lot of shame about and never spoke to my mum about and don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I guess

OP posts:

InfoSecInTheCity · 14/03/2025 23:20

I find that those kind of conversations seem to happen when DD and I are just quietly doing things in parallel with each other, it’s like the act of doing something else to take attention off makes it easier to talk, so I might be driving somewhere and half way through the journey she’ll start talking, or doing the washing up, or slicing the veg for dinner.

GreenBag53 · 14/03/2025 23:50

I am the same with my dad. I hid things from my parents re puberty and I want her to know she can talk to me about anything. Sadly she is taking after me and doesn’t want to discuss anything like bras, periods, hormones etc which are imminent. We have 4 other older kids who have been happy to accept parental input and I’m sad she is taking after me.

GreenBag53 · 14/03/2025 23:51

Dd not dad!

PriscillaQueen · 15/03/2025 01:35

Maybe just open up to her about what it was like for you growing up? Let her get to know you more and then she might be more inclined to talk about things. And by that I mean talk about something embarrassing that happened but that was funny. Or talk about what it was like for you when you started fancying boys, etc. Keep it lighthearted though. You could just give her some sanitary products and very casually say, I was super embarrassed by this when I was your age as well, but I’ve learned it’s completely normal and something all girls have to deal with. I’m happy to chat if you have questions for buy you anything you need in future. Don’t worry about asking. Just let her know your available and leave it at that. And maybe talk about your own periods in general conversion. Like, “sorry mums a bit cranky today, I’m on my period” or “darling could you get me a cusion for my back, my period cramps are bothering me today”. Just normalise it as just something that is. And if you struggle with that, then maybe your daughter is picking up on that too. However, I’m no expert and you’ll probably get much better advice from the other ladies here.

BlondiePortz · 15/03/2025 02:30

I want to know what my child wants to tell me, she is not what you have in your head she is her own person

Emonade · 15/03/2025 10:20

Sodthesystem · 14/03/2025 22:32

How cringe it would be having your mum try to discuss puberty and boys with you. Ick.

She's your daughter op, not your bestie. Stop asking her to drop her boundaries. It's setting her up to feel she owes people to over share about herself even when it makes her uncomfortable. Good on her for having the self respect to shut down your boundary pushing.

Your job and a mum is simply to say 'you know I'm here IF you ever need to talk'.

Edited

I mean it’s pretty important she talks to her mum about that stuff?!!!

Sodthesystem · 15/03/2025 17:29

Emonade · 15/03/2025 10:20

I mean it’s pretty important she talks to her mum about that stuff?!!!

Show quote history

Well no. Its important there is one, information based chat about the birds and the bees and how our bodies work (and to be fair, you could just direct her to an informative website or two that you'd vetted first for that, in this day and age). And it's important she feels able to ask questions.

Not, that she share her inner most feelings in the form of gossip about boys. Or that she tell her mother what's going on with her body.

It's very important that young women learn their bodies and feelings are theirs and do not have to be shared. That they have autonomy and the right to certain privacies. That other people will push their boundaries and that we say 'no' to that.

It's also important that they know their mothers are safe spaces yes. But in pushing them to share what they have a right to keep to themselves, you stop being that safe space.

The best course of action is to talk about things, such as the ways in which abuse can present itself and how to spot fake friends etc... you can give personal examples for reference if needs be or, even use celebrity examples if she follows all that. But you don't pry into their personal relationships unless that information is freely given.

It may be useful read (age appropriate) articles and ask her what she thinks. To encourage discussion about morals and personal autonomy. About how we must take care of ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally before anything else. Find neutral territory through quotes from books or podcasts on subjects and ask 'what do you think about the point she raised there?'. In discussing subjects and listening to her views and validating her feelings on things, she will feel more comfortable when she does wish to share more personal stuff.

queenscatnipxx · 13/05/2025 10:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

longnapenthusiast · 05/06/2025 10:42

Sodthesystem · 15/03/2025 17:29

Well no. Its important there is one, information based chat about the birds and the bees and how our bodies work (and to be fair, you could just direct her to an informative website or two that you'd vetted first for that, in this day and age). And it's important she feels able to ask questions.

Not, that she share her inner most feelings in the form of gossip about boys. Or that she tell her mother what's going on with her body.

It's very important that young women learn their bodies and feelings are theirs and do not have to be shared. That they have autonomy and the right to certain privacies. That other people will push their boundaries and that we say 'no' to that.

It's also important that they know their mothers are safe spaces yes. But in pushing them to share what they have a right to keep to themselves, you stop being that safe space.

The best course of action is to talk about things, such as the ways in which abuse can present itself and how to spot fake friends etc... you can give personal examples for reference if needs be or, even use celebrity examples if she follows all that. But you don't pry into their personal relationships unless that information is freely given.

It may be useful read (age appropriate) articles and ask her what she thinks. To encourage discussion about morals and personal autonomy. About how we must take care of ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally before anything else. Find neutral territory through quotes from books or podcasts on subjects and ask 'what do you think about the point she raised there?'. In discussing subjects and listening to her views and validating her feelings on things, she will feel more comfortable when she does wish to share more personal stuff.

Show quote history

very much agree with this advice. there are actually apps too that could help your daughter learn about these things and explore puberty in an independent way

was looking for period trackers for teens since my dd got her period, so came across weareluna and found out there's also loads of learning material about puberty and even an anonymous ask portion where teens can ask experts. funny enough, sometimes dd would send me articles from there or even just talk to me thru chat if she's not ready to discuss things with me in person.

their independence is so important in pre-teen and teen years, and it seems your daughter is starting... the challenge here is finding the right balance between being supportive and empowering and available to them vs being totally in their space and prodding them for answers. x

ByPeachScroller · 05/06/2025 11:13

I had a pretty hard childhood and adolescence that I felt a lot of shame about and never spoke to my mum about and don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I guess

But your daughter is happy and is not having the same experience you did. The fact she’s dismissing your attempts to talk show that she’s uncomfortable with it. If she wants to talk she’ll let you know. My mum felt similar about her own teenage years and the end result was her prying and being emotionally intrusive in a clumsy attempt to be emotionally supportive. She still does it now.

Girlmom35 · 05/06/2025 12:53

I understand that you had a rough childhood, but you're projecting your own trauma on your daughter. You needed someone to talk to. That doesn't mean she does.
And even if she did, that woudn't make you the right person for her to talk to.

Just offer. Make sure she knows you're available and willing. She'll come to you of she needs to.