Help me understand this behaviour

[exca]

I came home from leaving the kids to their clubs this evening and DH was in the living room, doing nothing, with the mess from the day sitting everywhere. Books on the floor, toys everywhere and ironing basket with out from earlier. I don’t understand this, to me I would clear up quickly before sitting down for the night.
So when I came in I was annoyed that there was stuff everywhere and he appeared to be happy to sit there in it, and I challenged him on it and after a minute he got up and started clearing up. However it was very passive aggressive, flinging books into the cupboard, making a “scene” of tidying away. I asked him what was wrong, had I annoyed him and he said things like “I’m doing what you asked, I’m tidying up” - This has made me so cross because I maintain the house 90% of the time and he does very little in terms of housework.

Why would he not understand that no one wants to come home to a shit heap and have him sitting on the sofa?! We both work full time and I carry all of the mental load. I don’t understand his response to me.

What's there to understand? He couldn't be bothered. That's it.

He's having a off day, we all have them. If it's a real problem regularly then you need to speak with him about him doing his share.

I'm with you OP. No matter how tired I am I can't just sit in mess and not try and tidy it up. I really don't understand the pp who is excusing your H by saying he had an" off day" . In my whole life I don't think on any occasion have I been excused not behaving properly because I've had an " off day".
OP I think your H basically thinks keeping the home tidy is your job. He needs to be enlightened to the fact we are now well into the 21st century.

This is why do it when she will behaviour. He's preserving himself to your detriment. He thinks it's your JOB. Probably because you do 90% of it.

He considers it “women’s work”. He thinks it’s beneath him. You both work full time and he does about 10 per cent of the house stuff. Time for that to change.

He probably needed a break.

We have come to blows about this before, and it improves for a while, then falls back into the same pattern. It is horrible tbh and makes me feel like I’ve an extra child - massive turn off. I will be speaking to him again about it.

I think it can several things. He could have not even thought of it ( it happens!) people think differently and notice (or not notice) different things especially if they have different standards. Is this something you have discussed in the past?

@exca - sorry saw your update after pressing post. If this is a constant in your marriage and has been addressed that horrible. Can you divide labour more evenly?

If you do it 90% of the time, he was obvs just waiting for you to do it. He's not going to change long term, they don't usually, so you need to suck it up or decide if this is something you cannot live with long term and then you have some decisions to make.

Probably doesn't really care about a bit of mess. Maybe you have differing values

Physically?

Just stop doing the cooking, laundry, etc for him.

or bin him.