Could you have a child that your DH wasn't really happy about ?

[KatieDD]

I am thinking about another baby, DH is far from keen but I may be able to talking him into it, the thing is should I talk him into it ?
I know he will love the baby once it's here it's just leading him to water which is the hard bit and feels strange.
Did anyone else have a baby with a luke warm daddy to be ??

yes, I desperatly wanted another, dh definitely didn't. I was trying to come to terms with not having another and had emotionally withdrawn from dh, I had said that I didn't know if I could stay in the relationship with this need hanging over me. dh thought I might leave and decided that agreeing would stop me (I didn't know that was how he felt at the time - he told me that he couldn't live with me being so unhappy when there was something he could do to change that).
He totally withdrew from me during my pg and for a year or so after, he didn't bond with or really have anything to do with the baby for that year. It was at least 18mo before he started to love the child (which he does now).
He left our relationship a month ago - I believe that the baby was instrumental in this, in that it changed how he felt about me.

I totally regret how that child came about (I got pg straight away after he said yes and if that hadn't happened we would have probably talked about it more - and may have come to a different decision, or a more agreed one) and the impact on our relationship.
I do not however regret the child - I adore him.

my emotional withdrawal was due to me trying to come to terms with not having another child - not me deciding whether I would leave dh or not.

I was in a similar situation to chasing squirrels. After finally agreeing to another baby following years of wrangling, dh spent the entire pregnancy very distant and removed from me. At one point I had started to think our marriage wasn't going to last and began to regret my insistence. However, when dd arrived he totally fell in love with her, and all turned out ok.
It's a tricky one...

No - I insisted on having my dd against my ex-p's wishes (accidental pg) and although I love her to bits, it's not turned out the way I'd have liked it too and he's not seen her since she was 2. I'm over all that now but it makes me sad that she has no father in her life and I'd never put myself or another child in the same situation again, with any new partner, much as I'd love another child. Some things aren't meant to be .

He'd never leave we are at least 80% of the time rock solid, a few issues like everyone else but we do have other children who he adores and we'd never split up.

2 months ago I would have said that about myself Katie (we had been together for 17 years) I am not for one minute suggesting that your dh would - I was just telling you my story.

I started my previous post with a yes - that was yes I have done so. I don't think I would ever do it again.

I really had to talk dh into havind a 2nd

Like you I knew once the baby arrived he would love it and be a great dad.

Took alot of persuading(sp).

When DD arrived he was and still is great
But 2 dc was enough he said and
3 months after her birth he booked himself in for the snip.

I could`nt of done it without him being 100% sure

It depends how desperate I was really.

After I had got used to the idea of having only 2dc, which was hard for me, I suffered a mirena failure (it slipped into my cervix and stopped working) and got pregnant with dd2.

Dh had only ever wanted 2, though I wanted 3, and I had to come to terms with only having 2. Then we started the much larger task of getting dh's head round having 3 kids. He took ages to get on board with it. We would never have ended the pregnancy, but I was very ill during and for 18 months or so afterwards (kidney problems and depression) and it was not easy for us.

Dd2 is a total delight and he has come round, but it was not easy and I think it has controbuted to his current depression.

Sometimes I suppose you might have to make the choice between another child or your dh/dp.
It depends which you want the most and whether NOT having another child would cause the realationship to end anyway.

when i became PG with DD2 it was as much a surprose to me as to DH, however he knew I always wanted another although actually by that point i had resigned/accepted that we wouldn't. he was furious as he believed i had engineered the situation (Hmmm doesn't it take two) and the first part of my PG was really hard as he wwas still angry at me even though it wasn't actually my fault.it calmed down a bit but came to a head just before dd2 was born as i was still worried that dh wouldn't love the new baby. i could never have got rid of it even if i hadn't wanted 3 and i don't suppose dh really would have done too. my pg was much harder because i wasn't convionced dh was with me on it, and even after the birth i felt he was less enthused and proud of me like he had been with the first 2. he actually adores dd2 now and I catch him gazing adoringly at her, but if i ever suggest it can be hard work with 3 then his comeback still after 15 months is - well I always said i didn't want three, this is why, but i do love her. this was without me going ahead and 'doing it anyway' he does now finally accept that it wasn't deliberate and it wasn't my fault - but i casnnot imagine how angry he would have been if i had gone ahead anyway, even though our relationahip is strong we've had some really hard time since dd2 was born and im' sure if i had tricked him it would have been the end of things. if you want another baby fine but i wouldn't discount losing your dh in the process.

Kittywise that is what I fear too, it's almost as if i force the issue I win either way (in that I can meet somebody else who does want a baby with me) but he looses either way which seems a bit rotten but what can you do.

Sorry should say i would never trick him, he needs a vasectomy reversal apart from anything so he would have to agree obviously.

To add a rather cynical viewpoint, this seems to happen a lot.

E.g. I said to a colleague "OMG, [colleague in the supplier org] is doing a marathon this weekend"

He said - and I quote - "maybe the deal was marathon in return for third baby".

I thought about this a bit (as dh and I are struggling to conceive number 2, would happily run marathon if it meant succesful conception) and then said "Er- why?"

It turned out he agreed to have dc3 in return for a car. I'm not saying he really thought about it in those terms, but that was the deal. I've known this happen as well in my family. No luke warm daddies once the reality bit, however.

I kind of think: either you're lukewarm or not, and the rest is just detail?

I couldn't.

I want another baby. DH doesn't for lots of valid reasons.

No new baby.

Just how it is at times.

I split from my last partner for this reason - mostly. He wanted to travel and holiday around the world, working as and when. I wanted to feel secure, build a home and have a child together (I already have a dd). We had to accept that we wanted different things. Good luck whatever you decide .

Isnt a baby too precious a being to think of in these terms? A baby isn't a commodity, to make one parent feel better, or fulfil their needs. Of course both parents should agree upon whether to go ahead or not. I'm not saying it's a simple decision to make - it isnt- but IMO if one parent isnt keen, then it's totally unreasonable to intentionally bring a child into the world.

I would like a third but DH isn't at all keen. DH has always said that he wanted 2 and I have always said I wanted 3. I used to think that I would just talk him round when the time came but now that the time is almost upon us I can see that
a) it would take a lot of work to talk him round
b) he has good reasons for not wanting a third which I respect and
c) I think it would cause us relationship problems down the line. I can totally see that if I ever complained about having too much to do etc he would say that he hadn't wanted no 3 and unfortunately it's not in my nature not to complain!

Most couples realise that it's sensible to talk about whether or not they want children before they become very committed to each other but it didn't cross my mind to worry about agreeing on how many children we wanted. Not that I would have chosen my partner differently but if we'd discussed numbers sooner and more seriously I would perhaps have been more reconciled to only having 2. At the moment it feels like our family is missing dc3 but I fear it's probably not to be.

If each person in the relationship wants something different then someone is going to feel bad.
if you have baby with an 'unwilling' partner then of course you will not feel supported during the pg. You will not be able to 'moan' because the comeback will always be 'it's what you wanted'
That's a decision you have to make
Personally, if I really wanted another and my partner didn't I would have to go elsewhere.
Luckily dp was easily persuadable

I'd like a fifth but dh just wouldn't so I couldn't. I think it would put a strain on our relationship and every time things were hard he'd kind of blame me or at least I'd assume he was blaming me.

It's such a big decision which has a massive affect on both of you so I don't think you can make it on your own.

When we had three I accidentally got pregnant and, despite saying he didn't want another, he was punching the air and joyful. Then I miscarried, but his reaction had given me the green light to go for it.

We never talked about how many children we hoped to have but we both wanted them and hoped for a big family. I would have liked another but circumstances have said that 3 is the right number for us. I will never stop wishing I had the 2 I lost, or could have tried for more, but this is the best thing for us in our heads, if not our hearts.