My ex-husband making my new relationship very difficult

[SnappyLemur]

I have been seeing my new partner since the start of the year and my ex-husband dies not like it one bit. Whenever my ex-husband comes to see the children, he makes awful comments that are causing a lot of unnecessary friction. He openly makes comments about things we have done sexually when we were together in front of my new partner and is quite abusive towards my new partner accusing him of things that are not true. I told my ex-husband that if it wasn't for our children, I deeply regret ever meeting him, but he then twisted it and told our children that I said they were a mistake causing them to get upset and have outbursts at me. My new partner says nothing other than it is inappropriate and disrespectful and says he will happily show him the door if he cannot be courteous and polite in my home. The friction between my old partner and my new partner is upsetting the children who are 9,12 and 14. My new partner is very patient and kind with my children but my ex-husband is doing everything he can to destroy that.
The problem stems back to about 20 years ago, as my new partner was my partner from 1997 to 2004. We broke up as I was not in a good place. During that time I met the man who went on to become my husband not realising he was manipulative and narcissistic. My ex wanted me back and he turned me against him. After 18 years of more lows than highs, I plucked up the courage and asked my ex-husband to leave. I got a decent divorce and wheels were in motion for a amicable divorce. Since my new partner has come on the scene, my ex-husband is refusing to sign the divorce papers and is being obnoxious.
My ex-husband's comments about sex with me have really upset my new partner as I did things with my ex-husband that I had always declined to do with him. It does feel like my new partner has backed away from intimacy and it's upsetting me. He did say that he wonders if I don't trust him and it is making me feel insecure about losing him again.
What do I do? I don't want to lose my new partner but my ex-husband is using our children and his bitter comments to try and destroy my relationship.

Why is your ex husband entering your home instead of picking the kids up at the doorstep?

Why are you calling your boyfriend of 2 months your 'partner'?

Why has he even met your kids?

It sounds as though you need to put some strong boundaries in place here.

You've been seeing this man a max of 2.5 months and he's already intertwined in your children's lives? I would also not be happy one bit.

I don't understand why your ex has even met your boyfriend. Why is he in your house?

What he's doing with the children is abusive. Do they even want to see him because two are old enough to decide for themselves.

Your 12 and 14 year old can organise meeting him by themselves. Tell him that you'll withold contact if he carries on making comments. He can take you to court.

Keep him out of your house and download a co parenting app as it saves all communication.

You can serve him divorce papers, he doesn't have to agree.

Yep, all of this!!

I don't understand this at all, you've been seeing him since the start of the year which is only 2 and a half months so he doesn't live with you, why on earth is he around when your ex collects the DC. Just tell new bf not to come round to yours when your ex is collecting the DC.

The acrimony between you and your ex-husband has been made worse by
a) your “partner” being there when he picks up the DC’s and b) bf having been introduced to the DC after only two months of dating. That makes no sense at all nor does engaging with your ex about wishing you’d never met him. You’re just inflaming the situation.

You have to keep your boyfriend away from exh and engage as little as possible with exh.

Agree with PP.
You need boundaries for your ex husband for a start.

Now you are divorced, the home you and the children live in is not his anymore. He should not be coming in. He should be waiting outside for them. Maybe you should start dropping them off at his place.

Stop having arguments with your ex if you know he twists things. Keep communication grey rock and just about the children. Maybe consider a coparenting app to avoid silly arguments.

As for your new partner being and ex boyfriend, there are no guarantees it will work this time. It didn't last time. As tempting as it is to integrate him into your life quickly, you need to slow it down. He doesn’t have to be there when your ex comes over. I hope you didn’t move him in already.

First reply nailed it.

Why is he around your children?

Your ‘partner’ of 10 weeks is waaaasyyy too involved with your children & ex husband. Keep him away when your ex is collecting the kids.

Your new boyfriend should not even have met your kids. Way too much, way too soon

What they said. This was completely avoidable by keeping your romantic life away from your kids and your ex!

It’s been mere weeks, he’s not your partner, you’re still married and he’s a short term boyfriend. He shouldn’t have met your kids, he shouldn’t be coming over while they’re home, he shouldn’t have been anywhere near your ex. What the hell have you been thinking?!

Women! Stop rushing into new relationships when you have children involved!

I notice most of this is about how it is affecting your partner and your (very very short term) relationship rather than making your children more settled and happy during a very turbulent time?

Stop worrying about sex (!) and focus on your kids.

He isn't your 'partner' he is your boyfriend, of LESS THAN 3 MONTHS

He shouldn't BE in your house when your kids are being collected.

He shouldn't even have MET your kids at this point.

WTH are you doing?

Your history pre-marriage is irrelevant as far as your kids are concerned.

Stop exposing your kids to this bullshit and have some boundaries fgs.

The way you have described it is that your new bloke has moved in and you are all living with your kids like a family. It shouldn’t be like that. You say your kids are upset so protect them by not having your boyfriend around. Your ex sounds awful but most men would not be happy with that set up.

Does your ex own the house with you? Can you make other arrangements so he doesn’t have to come to the house for the children?

I sometimes wonder if all the people commenting that she shouldn’t have her new boyfriend over are also single mums. Because if not I think you’re being very unfair without really understanding how it feels. You’ve no idea how comforting it could be for her to have a positive partner for support in a tough time.

Everyone has a right to an opinion on a woman going through a complicated divorce from an abusive man, whose kids are in the middle of an ongoing shit storm, having a new man of a few weeks in her home getting close to them and interfering in their family life. It’s appalling irresponsible parenting.

You write like you have no power in any of this...

1. Your new boyfriend is actually an old boyfriend.
2. The new/ old boyfriend decided he wanted you back.
3. He convinced you (whilst you were not in a relationship with him) to end your marriage of 18 years. Telling you your husband was narcissistic.
4. You did what you were told. Left your husband and breaking up the only family that your 3 children had ever known.
5. Your husband agreed to a "decent" divorce settlement.
6. You immediately introduced your 3 children to the new man (I think you have moved him in) and started playing happy families.
7. Your husband is very upset that a new man is playing daddy to his children and has stopped playing nice.
8. The new boyfriend is trying to manipulate you in to doing things you don't want to buy saying that you don't trust him.
9. The new "happy family" isn't so happy when it doesn't go all the old/ new boyfriends way

Not once do you mention how your children feel about what you have done. Not once do you mention what is best for your children. Not once do you mention what you want.

i've been a single mom for 8 years. I've had maybe 3 boyfriends in that time and never introduced them to my kids.

i've had my current partner for the last 2, and my kids have never met him. I always see him when they're at their dads, or go out to meet him somewhere, and he is never here when they get home.

Their dad however has introduced 3 fuck buddies to them and upset them all times.

Next?