Emotional Affair

[PithyAnt]

About 2 years ago I caught my partner messaging another girl, after doing some digging i realised it had been going on for about a year and had become somewhat of an emotional affair. We decided to try and move past it and things were going OK. I now know he is messaging someone else who is a friend of both of us. It's never ending random messages and reels. I have secretly tried to drop it into convo and he never mentions it and says he barely hears from her which I know is a lie as they are sending each other crap now as I'm writing. When I recently saw his chat history with her i noticed it had also been deleted as messages i had already seen were gone.I have also seen that he has been playing an online couples rude game since middle of last year no idea who with though as it def isn't with me and it's usually being played when I'm not at home. I only know this as I can see the search history on our PC. I'm starting to have enough i really want to bring it up with him but not sure if I'm just being dramatic. I guess what I would like to know are others opinions and if anyone else has been through similar.

Not over reacting at all. He’s lied to you. He told you he barely hears from her and that’s not true. You only lie and delete messages if you know you are doing something wrong. Which app are they using to message? WhatsApp usually shows the message has been deleted.

Don’t feel silly for bringing it up. It’s hurting you and after what he did last time he should be doing everything he can to regain your trust.

It is looking like this is a pattern of behaviour and not something he has learnt from. If this is the case then it’s unlikely to stop. You will have to deal with this for the rest of your relationship, however long it lasts. Over time this will chip away at the love you feel for him.

if I was in your position I would sit him down and not accuse him but state the facts as you know them. He’s been messaging her and deleting them. You feel very uncomfortable and he knows your boundaries with this type of thing and it’s up to him, but if he chooses to cross those boundaries you will not forgive him a second time.

You can’t control what he does but you can be very clear what the consequences will be. If he continues then you know how he feels about you.

He's not monogamous, he wants different women on the go at the same time. He obviously loves the attention. You gave him a chance and he blew it.

By having enough of it I hoped you meant you’d value yourself enough to ditch him, not just bring it up.

You’ll bring it up, he’ll lie or fudge or make you doubt yourself. Then you’ll forgive him and he’ll do it again.

Why put up with it? It’s so humiliating.

Start building up your leaving pot of money.
Not all men are like this. Please go out and find someone lovely...no matter how long it takes.

you need to build a better case op

@PithyAnt, he is cheating again and is stomping on whatever reconciliation requirements you set up after his first infidelity. Why are you tolerating his serial womanizing and lying? Why are you doubting yourself and ‘secretly trying to drop it in conversations’?

Want better for yourself, @PithyAnt. This guy is a faithless player who laps up the flattery, attention and validation of other women. He’s not going to change, hence his blowing his second chance. You need to definitively end this relationship, as staying with him would be an exercise in self-harm and degradation.

Look at it this way - when you two got serious and moved in together, did he say "I need to be clear that one woman can never be enough for me. I will always have something on the go with at least one other woman, who will soak up my time and attention. If you should ever ask me to focus on you instead, expect me to be very annoyed!"?

If he had said this, would you have continued the relationship?

What did he promise you?

About 10 months ago my husband was caught secretly messaging our divorced neighbour. This went on day and night for months all over Xmas while I was sick. I found out he deleted her but she then moved on to message him on Facebook did she do something wrong etc.
I can’t get passed it Iv tried he’s trying so hard I no he loves me. I just can’t understand why especially with a women that he knows bullied my when I was a teen.
am I over reacting as it wasn’t sexual?

No, @Minlee, you aren't over-reacting to having a partner who's systematically lied to you, keeps secrets from you that would harm your relationship and is detached from you (messaging while you're with him, not taking care of you while you were ill).

Good that he's trying hard - but is he giving you what you need to trust he cares enough about you and your partnership? If he's invalidating your feelings by saying it wasn't sexual, so you aren't allowed to feel distressed, then he is not caring about you. If he doesn't understand why his detachment broke your trust in him, he isn't a partner you should trust.

You deserve better than this, because everyone does. I hope he can give you what you deserve. But if he's dismissing your worries, he can't.