What can I realistically expect from DH?

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I’m on mat leave with our four month old DS, first baby. DH works full time and is out of the house from 6.30am until 6pm at the earliest Monday to Friday. I’m EBFing so I do all night feeds and any night time nappies too.

Since DS has been born, DH has restarted going to running club on a Tuesday evening after having a few weeks off after DS was born (so about 6.30pm till around 8.45pm out of the house), been to a football match that saw him get home at midnight, regularly goes for long runs at the weekend as he’s training for two marathons, so at least a couple of hours out of the house of a weekend morning.

This week he’s got home one day at 8pm and one day at 10.30pm due to work events - obviously not his fault, but I’m on my own with DS all day from 6.30am till then. Tomorrow DH is going on a charity pub walk with his friends, leaving at 9.30ish-am and watching the rugby afterwards which starts at 4.45pm. He doesn’t know what time he’ll be home.

I’ve just got home from a walk with DS in the pram where he woke up and screamed non-stop all the way home, and when we got back I screamed in frustration too (not at DS).

We also have a high maintenance dog who I do all care for. Balancing DS’ needs with her needs is basically my life currently.

Can I realistically expect more from DH? I feel like I’m drowning.

Can you not go to the pub walk also? I understand where you are coming from I know I found mat leave actually quite lonely. Do you have many mum friends? Perhaps find some local baby groups?

His life hasn't changed much, has it?

He's avoiding being home in the evening leaving childcare to you.

This is how marriage- ending resentment starts and I would make that crystal clear.

Yes! You can expect a lot more. My DH is in financial services so long hours were the norm (kids all born before lockdown so no working from home at all) he still did feeds/changes on Friday and Saturdays so I could have a break. At the weekend he would co parent with me and if I’m being completely honest with the first one he did more of the parenting at the weekend that me. He is a parent too. You need a break before you break.

No, it’s a glorified pub crawl sponsored men’s walk. I have friends locally with older children and a group of NCT mums I meet up with at baby classes but it doesn’t make much of a dent in a really long day

No, it hasn’t changed. I’ve been avoiding posting this because I know really that we need to have that talk

Thank you. After 4ish months of being ‘on’ 24/7, I feel like I am about to break

Yes you expect more. And demand more. Speaking from experience after having our first child my husband continued life as normal. Went to work (which were long days), went to football training, matches and I was stuck at home with our newborn. I didn't realise it at the time but I'd say I had a bit of PND and only for I had my mother nearby I'd have cracked up. None of my friends had babies so I was alone. Now my husband did night feeds at the weekend so did help that way but that was all. I was too scared/tired/emotional to say much but we did row about it. Some men don't seem to think their lives should change at all. Now my newborn is almost 12 but I've never forgotten it. So I'd definitely nip it in the bud as otherwise it'll continue. You need to organise to meet a friend and head out of a few hours. Just go and tell him he's on his own. Even if you're meeting noone, just go.

Of course you are - your time is no longer your time. No one can really prepare you. I think you said you breastfeed - so did I for my 3 kids but I expressed for those Fridays and Saturdays and don’t regret it for a minute.

Expressing for weekends is a great idea, thank you x

He's another selfish one I'm afraid, he's literally leaving you holding the baby.

He can't carry on with his marathons etc when you have such a young child.
Or pub crawls, I mean, how old is he? AND watching the rugby. FFS!

Resentment kills any affection.

Have the talk now, but be prepared for things not to change.

Have a back up plan.
Plan to not have this man in your life. Make sure you go back to work.

He's putting himself first, so you must start putting yourself and DS first.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

I would suggest you do as I did when my husband worked long hours and then did little projects/diy (not always essential) all weekend leaving all childcare to me. I got myself a Saturday accounts clerk job and said I needed a break from childcare and having extra money would be useful. He therefore had to step up and parent his children and helped him realise how hard it was and actually gave him a better relationship with them as they grew up. I stopped the job eventually and made him participate in family days out rather than him doing his own thing.

I would tell him that you are taking time for yourself either to do a hobby, go to the gym or visit a friend/relative and that he also needs to parent his baby. Expressing is a good idea as it seems as if that is the reason for him putting it all on you.

You are drowning, OP. You need to ask him for help. You also need to make clear that life has fundamentally changed for both of you and he can't continue to live like he doesn't have a baby. You need to be extremely firm and set boundaries for what you are prepared to put up with.

I also breast fed for about 1.5 years. Looking back I wouldn't do it again like that. It created a situation where I had no freedom whatsoever. Have you tried expressing milk so that you can have a break/go out and leave your husband to be a father. My (ex) partner used to say things like "I had commitments to play football before I had a baby" WTAF? He also signed up to do a marathon without any prior discussion. He genuinely didn't see that life had changed for himself.

I would invest in a good breast pump.
Create some 'me' time eg book a massage and do this on a monthly basis where you go off for a couple of hours and leave him to bond.
Tell him there's going to be a new weekend routine where he does the night feeds. Let him try that with a hangover.
Do this now or your resentment will grow, and if he's not prepared to step up I would reassess your relationship. The signs were there early on for me and sadly I left it for years when the separation happened, it was extremely hard for our child.

Absolutely you can expect more from him! You’re in a new phase of your relationship and the rules have all changed and whilst your role has changed significantly, it sounds like your dh is business as usual. It comes down to he can’t help with feeding but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be around for anything, bathtime, playtime, taking him out for walks all great bonding opportunities! Work commitments can’t be helped but it sounds like he has time consuming hobbies and social events and that’s totally unfair. Where is your ‘down time’?. Communication is absolutely key, speak up before the resentment (which will eat you up rather than affect him) really kicks in because by that point typically it all just becomes argumentative. Maybe set agreed days that he’s home on time for bathtime? Or how often it’s reasonable for him to go out for long periods by himself. It’s too easy for dads to carry on as always but it’s better to get into good habits of sharing the parenting load now rather than try and create them as and when you return to work, if that is your plan.

I breastfed both of our babies beyond 2 years and the whole of their baby life was me basically, but I didn't mind. That time when they are so small, and you are their world is so short. I didn't mind being in, at home, because they were more important.

Saying this H thought this as well, he didn't want to miss a minute more than he had to he was out of the house 8-7/8 but he didn't "keep up his out of the house hobbies" but we thrashed this out before baby was born.

So what is it you want OP? Do you want H at home being part of family life more or do you want some time to be without baby? Or a bit of both? They are different conversations.

What did you discuss and 'promise' each other when you found out you were pregnant? Did you talk about what you both expected from each other as partners and parents?

This.

And wtf Is he thinking, training for marathons now?? Selfish. Totally selfish.

He needs to realise this and start stepping up and actually seeing his own child.

You should be expecting A LOT more from him. His life basically. Hasn’t changed one bit whilst yours has been turned upside down.

He should be doing 50% of all child rearing, house work, cooking etc when he’s not at work. You should each get a lie in on the weekend and you should also get time to look after ‘you’ on an evening and weekend as well as he should .

Work evenings are unavoidable in some circumstances, but he should be thinking careful about his leisure time as it’s not fair to expect you to man the fort all the time

You've had a baby and he's leading a single life. Nothing about his life has changed and he doesn't care that you're alone and don't get a break.

You've managed to snag yourself a selfish arsehole.

Ahhh, no man wants to practice and run a marathon/do a charity event as much as a new dad who is trying to avoid parenting.

can you buy a running buggy so he can take the baby with him every time he goes out?

Decide that you also want to do a charity event; a sponsored snooze and he needs to watch the baby while you practice for it?

Be loud and proud about the fact you recognise he’s avoiding parenting. Charity begins at home and he’s leaving home as much as possible and if he’s not taking the baby with him he’s being a shitty parent because he’s barely seeing his child.

Set your boundaries now before resentment really seeps in and destroys your marriage. A difficult conversation is cheaper than divorce.

He's taking the piss.

I remember being on mat leave with my first baby and we would have OK days until the witching hour at about 5pm when he would just cry relentlessly. When my husband got home from work at 6pm I couldn't wait to give him the baby and have some time to breathe.

When our second baby was born my husband was out of work for the first four months of her life. Although that was a little stressful for financial reasons, it definitely made things much easier in many ways.

Now is really not the time for him to be training for marathons. I think it would be reasonable to talk about how much hobby time he gets each week and let him decide what to prioritise. Make the point that when you're at home alone with the baby, you're working. If he isn't doing his fair share when he's not at work, you're not getting a break.