Dating someone who is separated

[Royal12]

Hey

I'm a single male from London

Was dating a lady who was separated from her husband but she was still living together with him in the family house.
They were allegedly separated for 14 months and according to her led separate lives and had separate bedrooms
I was suspicious about this arrangement and wondered if this is a red flag in dating as I've never come across this situation before
I understand completely divorce is a long process and extremely expensive but I was worried about if the lady was really ready for a new relationship and if she was still having romance with her husband
The lady never mentioned anything about moving out or divorcing her husband

She ended things recently but it's given me time to reflect on the time and what everyone else thinks.

Was this a huge red flag and I should have walked away immediately?

I mean it’s really hard to tell as we don’t know her. I would however suggest in the future maybe don’t get involved with someone in these circumstances - it’s hard enough as it is to try and get to know someone without all the baggage. I have also read (on here) a very similar scenario (whether true or not i don’t know) where they were just lying and having an affair.

Sorry but yes that’s a huge red flag. Even if her story was true she hasn’t left the family home or the relationship physically so whoever she dated was always going to be a rebound. There’s no way she can be ready for a new relationship while she’s living with her husband.

If she hasn't mentioned any plans to move out at the very least, then yeh, big red flag. Fair enough if it's like 'im having trouble finding a place' or 'im working on scraping money up for rent and a deposit' or 'we have listed the house for sale'. Like, a plan in place. Otherwise they're basically telling you they are still with their partner.

But you really should have asked regarding that.

If you'd been dating for more than a handful of months (say 3 or more) then I'd also expect to be picking her up from outside the house on occasion. Like maybe not going in as that would be awkward but I'd at least expect to be able to meet her at her door. Otherwise, what's she hiding?

I don't think I'd touch someone who still lives with an ex with a bargepoll. But the real red flag is then not having plans to leave.

Be honest though, you weren't actually fussed finding out were you? You maybe just wanting to make her the bad guy now because things didn't work out.

I asked her about her plans and tried not to push her too much on it
But yeah it bothered me and some friends were worried that this was a bad relationship to get into for me
Obviously it's a struggle to find a new place but I had assumed after 14 months that either party would be on the path of looking for a new home or at least in the initial stages of divorce.

Thanks for the advice though

My ex girlfriend from 2 years ago was in a similar situation but had moved out and had the divorce paper within 5 months of separation

No bad guys or good guys here, people are going through stuff and everyone has different ways to deal with a marriage breakdown

Apparently, there are many people who live in these situations for different reasons, but it is mostly finances that keep them together. However, I would never get into a relationship with someone who is separated but not yet divorced, especially if they still live together. Too messy.

Thanks livelovelough24

I really appreciate that, I thought I was going crazy wondering if this is a red flag.
The lady seemed to think it's a normal thing and never really commented about wanting to close off that part of her life. Maybe she was still in love with her husband and having relations with him all the time

I actually felt guilty asking for more information about it

You have helped me a lot

Full disclosure - my ex and I lived in same house for about 10 months after we split. We had separate rooms, were ships that passed in the night and for us it was to get finances sorted plus to slowly get out DS used to the situation.

However neither of us dated seriously during that time. I had a few coffee/bar dates away from the home but didn’t start dating properly until he moved out.

Personally I wouldn’t date a recently separated man and definitely not one who still cohabited with his ex.

There’s a fairly simple solution- ask for a coffee at the house with the supposedly soon to be ex .
If this actually happens then I would say it’s a good sign that they are a civilised person who can split amicably. Odds are it won’t and you have your answer and you just say let’s meet when you have your own place.
Financial settlement can take a long time if one party is being difficult and as I have said on here as a separated spouse you still have rights to pension etc if the other spouse dies before you get financial settlement.

Fair point
Thanks again for the advice here

I really think that someone in that position should be honest from the get go with any potential partners. Then it gives us the chance to make our own decision

My divorce took nearly 4 years and I lived with my ex for the first 10 months after we separated.

I was VERY clear with new chap of my circumstances and intentions - I would never date anyone who had no indication that they were actually making plans to actually leave physically/emotionally/legally.

I was living with my ex husband whilst the house sold and dating my partner, this is our eleventh year now. I guess it depends if the house if for sale and you can see evidence the divorce is progressing

Yes it’s a red flag but there can be exceptions. When I met dh he was still living with wife and kids in the family home but was advised to by his lawyer until a financial settlement was reached. It was plain to me he had zero feelings for her and he moved out shortly after.

in your case, it’s apparent the lady didn’t share with you what was really going on, not even that she planned to leave, so yes that is completely wrong.

To be fair you'd be mad to think he had 'zero feelings' for a wife whom he had been with years and still lived with and had kids with.

Unless he is a psychopath.

I'm sure he had very complex feelings. That maybe no longer involved wanting to be with her intimately. But people don't normally just feel nothing for their longterm spouse whom they still live with. All affection doesn't normally completely vanish. Unless it's turned to hate. Which is still a powerful feeling.

It's a very strange situation to be in but just found out through the grapevine that as well as seeing me she was hooking up with Another guy, whilst still married and still living her ex husband
Any thoughts?

In my case my abusive husband wouldn't leave for over a year 😂 then proceeded to use my home for a long time for contact with the children

In fact I think his final stand came when he asked to come to a new house with me " fresh home fresh start "

Im definitely not a red flag, but I lived with my ex for 18 months before moving out and it was 20 ish before we were divorced.
We were sleeping in separate rooms for 3 months beforehand, but at the point of separation it took him 7 months to come to terms with it so that we could tell our children. Another 3 for him to confirm he could buy me out, 4 months for me to find a new home and 4 months to move in.
I started the divorce 10 months into the separation when I started to look for a new home as they advise that you align your divorce with a financial order to split your finances.

I was ready to date by the time we'd told the kids but had no way out.
I was always very open about where I was, the status of my living arrangements etc. But at the same time it was all in secret as that is going to be awkward as hell living with your ex and they know you are going on dates.
Thankfully or maybe sadly for me nothing ever panned out past a few dates. Maybe because people see the situation as a red flag. Others seemed to find it a turn on like I was cheating or something (which I most definitely wasn't)

I guess I don't think it can be a straight flag as there are so many circumstances especially on a financial side that can force people to stay living together these days.
But they should always have a plan, when they hope it will end etc otherwise they are more committed to where they are than where they want to get to.

Would seriously advise you to look for a new girlfriend with no entanglements (or at least divorced and living alone).

Definitely red flags. I don't think you should date if you are still living together, it's not fair on new partners, not fair on any kids involved, not fair on each other. I don't think it's an issue dating someone who is separated, not living together and going through a divorce. Although be prepared as divorces can be all consuming! You can't change what others do, but I would advise you not to date someone again who is still cohabiting. Too messy.

The biggest red flag is she's seeing the other guy.

That's what I thought

I actually thought she was joking or made it up to make sure I wouldn't contact her again but she confirmed it was true the other day and had just chatted him up on her way out a few weeks ago

Sounds like she's playing the field. Whether she's telling the truth about being separated or not, who knows?

I presume you thought she was only seeing you? Hurtful to find out otherwise.

You're best off out of it.

OP you need to forget this woman, stop letting her live rent free in your head and move on. She’s not worth the headspace you’re giving her

Thanks folks
I gave her a a piece of my mind the other day saying how ridiculous her situation is.

I appreciate the responses on this platform, given the fact that I'm a man and this is a forum for women.
I take it many of the other ladies on here are in agreement that it's a bad form from the lady who I was seeing.
I'm back on the dreaded dating apps but for anyone interested I'm a single guy, mid 40s, no baggage living just outside London.
Possibly the last nice guy left in the western world 😂
Private message me if necessary