How do they fake it so convincingly?

[BeckyBismuth]

Men, but friends can do it as well. Fake their whole persona in a "honeymoon period" when they are so nice that you believe that is who they are, then eventually you get to know the real nasty person but you don't think it is a nasty person, you think you have upset them and made them that way because of you. How do they create that illusion and maintain it? Is it a deliberate ploy or autopilot?

Its deliberate. If you are unfortunate enough to come across male podcasts about dating some of them admit it and laugh about it. They acknowledge we wouldn’t have anything to do with them if we knew the truth.

People who do this love the thrill of the chase. They put the effort in until they’ve hooked you as it gives them a buzz and sense of self worth.
Once the honeymoon period is over you get to know the real person. But they’ve got you emotionally attached to them so they don’t have to make all that effort, and they’re betting on you staying.
If you do then this is how life will be. If you leave they do the same with the next person.
But not all men are like this. So when they are, ditch and move on.

You realise it’s human nature, for men and women? They moderate their behaviour during the early stages of a relationship/friendship, so as to attract and retain a partner/friend. But it’s hard to maintain indefinitely.

@MemorableTrenchcoatis wrong. It isn’t normal behaviour, but the behaviour of an abuser.

Of course it’s normal. Everyone is on their best behaviour in the early days. It just so happens that some people are naturally less pleasant than others.

I think the difference is intent - it’s normal behaviour to put your best self out there, it’s not normal to do it to hide abuse.

Showing best side of yourself is normal, completely hiding your true character isn’t

The latter is usually a deliberate tactic to reel someone in.

If someone is genuinely horrible, and they behave accordingly, they will never find a partner/friend. If they want these things, they have no choice but to conceal it. We may not like it, we may even find it reprehensible, but it’s a normal facet of human behaviour.

@MemorableTrenchcoat isn't wrong @marmaladeandpeanutbutter .

It isn’t normal. I sometimes wonder whether Mumsnet has been taken over by a pile of Tate supporters.

No, I’m not an Andrew Tate supporter. Don’t be so ridiculous.

For the most part, people are not aware enough of their personality flaws to deliberately conceal them. And for most generally decent people, if they were aware that their behaviour was hurtful or harmful to or unpleasant for someone, they would make some attempt to change it, not just think I’ll hide it until I’ve successfully emotionally manipulated the other person into having feelings for me. That is 💯 not normal or healthy behaviour at all.

This in spades.

I believe that those people who, either deliberately or not, put on a fake persona like this are trying to make themselves feel better about themselves.

So really they have a flaw or void in themselves that they have to fill - this may be genetic or because of some lack in childhood? They need to control and abuse others because deep inside themselves they hate themselves. They feel worthless so by being manipulative they can get others to like or even better, admire, them.

They make themselves feel better by making others feel worse.

I was in a long abusive marriage and this is the thought that has helped me move on.

Its normal to be on your best behaviour in the early days. It's not normal to completely abandon any attempts to behave well once the relationship is established. Normal people always excercise some control over their worst behaviours, no matter how established they are, because they don't want to hurt other people, or their decency tells them it would be wrong.

Yes. And partly because anybody with healthy self esteem would just leave when the nice behaviour stopped and the bad behaviour became frequent. If you are looking for someone who will accept bad behaviour, you are looking for someone vulnerable. That’s certainly not normal or healthy behaviour.