Divorced, Dating Apps, and Feeling Completely Lost – I Need Your Help!

[ThatOchreDuck]

Hi everyone - 36 F , how should I go about this "dating" thing after a 12-year marriage?!

Honestly, it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through – emotionally, mentally, everything. After 18 months of trying to heal, I thought maybe I should try something new, so I signed up for a couple of dating apps.

But now, I feel more lost than ever.

I’ve spent what feels like endless hours swiping left, swiping right, trying to make conversations happen. I’ve had matches, but nothing that felt real or meaningful. Most conversations fizzle out or go in a direction I’m not comfortable with. I’m really not looking for anything casual – I’m looking for something real, something that feels like it’s worth my time.

I feel like I’ve just been floating through this digital world, trying to put myself out there, but all it’s doing is making me feel invisible. I’m exhausted from trying, from feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’ve had my heart broken, and now I’m just trying to find someone who can actually see me, for who I am, flaws and all. It’s frustrating, and honestly, I feel like I’m failing.

But I’m here now, asking for your help. I’m starting to wonder if these apps are even the right place for me to find something real. Is there hope out there? Where do people actually meet these days? How do I meet someone in real life, in a way that feels authentic and not like I’m just swiping through a list of strangers?

I want to meet someone who’s kind, who will accept me, my baggage, my history – someone who isn’t going to just scroll past me like I’m another profile. I want to find someone who will actually take the time to get to know me, and not just view me as an option.

So, I’m reaching out to you all – women who have been through this, or who just get it. How did you meet your partner after a long relationship? How do I stop feeling like I’m stuck in this lonely, frustrating place? How can I start over and find someone who wants something real, like I do?

Please, I need some advice, stories, or just some words of encouragement. I’m really hoping there’s a way out of this online dating maze – but I can’t figure it out on my own.

Thank you so much in advance!!

I’m not sure I have any words of advice for you because I’m in a similar situation in terms of age and length of marriage which ended nearly 3 years ago.

I would say that online dating is not for the faint hearted! There are a lot of men on there with ulterior motives (often quite easy to spot tbh!) but also many who struggle to even sustain a conversation or ask a single question about the woman they’ve matched with!!!

I have dated people from OLD and offline and have found offline easier, but these were people I met through friends and work… and neither worked out in the end for different reasons. Wouldn’t recommend dating a colleague now for what it’s worth.

It is very hard to meet people out in the real world which is why OLD is the fallback option.

sorry- realise this isn’t much help to you! But wanted to post in solidarity because I do feel your frustration!

Thank you that is helpful - even to know it's not just me!! I can't understand how anyone older than 30 meets people these days. I don't want to be alone forever and I really am sick of OLD - think I'll be deleting my profiles and just hoping for the best!

Tell me about it - where has conversation gone? It just seems like it's on me to keep these chats going and the effort from many of these matches is just so low :(

Makes me wonder if/how any of these men meet anyone at all! I do wonder if some women are just happier to carry the conversation than I am!! 🤣🤣

Ive considered speed dating and have recently followed some Instagram accounts which have been set up for organised events etc and wonder if this is a better option. Currently on a dating break but I think if I go back, it’ll be via this route! Nothing is more annoying than getting myself ready for a date and wasting an afternoon to meet someone and it being a let down! At least with more people in one space there’s a better chance of actually getting the spark with someone - maybe?!

I don’t want to jump on my feminist soap box but I do believe there’s a lot of men who genuinely hold disdain for women, or think that women with a history (divorce, kids etc) are somehow beneath them and therefore act as if we should somehow feel blessed that they’d even match with us! Imbeciles!

Personally I did want something casual after divorcing and then being single two years.

I completely appreciate that it’s not for everyone. But perhaps surprisingly I haven’t found it shallow or lacking in meaning. I date people, we quite quickly have pretty deep, personal conversations (probably more so than we would at that stage if looking for something longer term). We’re really honest with each other about what we want etc. There just isn’t commitment and we don’t intend it to develop into a long-term relationship where we ultimately end up living together etc. Though I have had guys who apparently didn’t want a relationship decide they do (probably due to my apparent unavailability).

For me it’s been a fun low pressure way to get back to dating, meet some interesting people and have some intimacy.

I don’t really have any of the issues other women have with OLD because there’s loads of guys who want something casual but with some ongoing connection and you can take your pick. Plus the mindset is different- I’ll give someone a chance if I think I’d have a good evening with them. I don’t need them to be a great step parent and marriage material. I’ll literally go on a think - it would be good to meet this guy because he’s an architect and I’d like to hear about that. Or I’ll have a week where I decide to look for someone younger / older / with or without children.

I think you’re maybe chatting on the apps for too long and expecting too much from the initial conversation you have there? A lot of guys aren’t great at messaging at that initial stage but are fine in real life. If you like the look of someone and you think they sound interesting from their profile just meet them in person and see how it goes. If nothing else, it helps your confidence to go on dates and hopefully you’ll have a good time at least on some of them.

Even if you’re looking for something long-term, I think it’s worth making the whole thing lower stakes for now.

That sounds interesting - more like what I'm after I think. I'm sure apps work for some but it seems so difficult to find genuine connection. I like the idea of events, I'm seeing more of this sort of thing pop up on Instagram too.

Hmm you've got me thinking now! 😊

Sorry I meant to reply to your post haha - I'm not very good at this!

Agree to massively lower your expectations...apps are just a tool for meeting people.

Maybe 15 years ago it was easier to meet genuine people there....

Now there still are some genuine people but they're so overwhelmed with flakes and weirdos and sex-addicts and people who look ok, but are "difficult" with bad social skills, so they stay on the apps all the time.

Mainstream people either get fed up or snapped up!

Use the apps as a supplementary tool for meeting people/socialising, whilst progressing/levelling up your life and social life in other ways.

If you're happy meeting more people socially with no expectations, then meet them just out of interest...

If you find it too depressing, then screen ruthlessly and only agree to very selected meets...? If you don't meet anyone in person for a year it doesn't matter.

As soon as someone starts being weird, just block with no talk. Don't give them your phone number or socials. Genuine guys will be fine with this.

For meeting people in the wild, just try to meet more people.

Don't think about eligible men, just try a new hobby or activity or meetup every month.

If there's one group which is ok, go back so you're a regular, but also keep trying new ones. Even look at cities near to where you are?

Some groups are total duds/weird/intense/clichey, others seem to attract the Ok mainstream mixed single crowd (and they bring their mates along).

Give it a year or so and have patience and keep a sense of humour.

If you feel overwhelmed or awful, put your mental health first and take a few weeks for yourself, then get back out there.

I know how you feel! I broke up from a long term relationship and dating apps are the worst. Have you tried social events/hobbies? I've found some great friends there too. If you're in Leeds / nearby by any chance I'm going to an event by Date to Remember, would be nice to not go on my own?

Oh I'm actually not far away from Leeds! I could do... Looks interesting! I'll have a think about it. The Speakeasy one looks fun 😊.

Thanks for that - feeling more hopeful already.

I'm just starting to think the apps don't match what I want, not for me sort of thing. I'll look for in person things going forward. 🙏

The walking event looks good—I’d much rather meet someone that way than online lol. I really think more genuine people are moving away from apps—I know a lot of people who are fed up with them (myself included!). Good luck!

This absolutely mirrors my experience. I had a lot of fun on the apps, I didn't want to meet anyone serious. I was auditioning younger men tbh with a vague idea of having lots of NSA fun and perhaps meeting a more regular FWB.

I'm in my 50s. Accidentally, 2 months ago I met a really lovely man my age who I'm really enjoying getting to know. Seems like he might be the perfect fit for me, although it's early days of course. So I've paused the apps (I met him on there) while I see where this goes.

I met someone on a dating app, but I really worked the app hard. I don't think they work if you do a few minutes here and there. I made half an hour each day to churn profiles. Paid for the subscription to get unlimited likes. Was really picky- anything that for me would be a 'compromise' I ditched out straight away- looks like a lovely guy, has cats- binned; looks great, vegetarian- binned; photo holding a fish-binned. The list can be personal and irrational, but anything where a month in you are going to be saying to yourself "if only he didn't"...

Then when I matched I made myself message everyone. If after a few line message I only got a "Hi" back, binned.

I sound like a right arsehole, but it worked

This sounds like an interesting way to go about it! Might give this a go too.

Thanks for your story on this - everyone's been super helpful 😊😊

It took me 9 years to meet the right man for me on a dating app. I did have breaks due to the horrors of dating apps!
He was worth waiting for.
I really hope you don't have to wait that long. But be choosy.