After a lifetime of ropey physical health, but pretty robust mental health t's been a rough couple of years. Not sure whether to blame perimenopause (I'm early 40s), undiagnosed ADHD (I've been referred for assessment, been waiting 4 years now) a series of stressors (job loss, a number of bereavements, a health scare, the relationship issues starting) but I've been a bit of a mess for 18 months now. I've been on Anti Ds for about 9 months, I'm having therapy, I'm working through my stuff as best I can, whilst suffering horrific PMDD and RSD.
About a year ago DP made some bad choices that broke trust (not cheating, but breaking promises and boundaries). He confessed and apologised and hadn't realised how badly it had been making me feel until I got to the point of saying perhaps it was best to end our relationship. He took full responsibility for his actions, but the stress of having to take care of me and my MH was mentioned as a contributing factor to some of his poor decision making.
We've spent all this time working through things, talking about how we got there in the first place, how our personalities and needs differ and mean we react different ways and need different things, but the long and the short of it is that I was still, secretly, angry at him the whole time. I don't think I even realised it because I love him and wanted to just move on but underneath it all was anger and hurt. I would distance myself unwittingly, then he would pull away, so I'd try and pull him closer... It's been a bit of a shitshow frankly.
I love this man. He's my absolute world. When he called me out about still being angry with him I realised it was true and we worked through those, but in the meantime we took sex off the table because it wasn't working. it had always been wonderful and we'd be very connected and present but it had started to get weird because I would get in my head and, well, we were worried about it doing more damage.
Now, three months on, we're at the point where I feel like I've actually been able to resolve a lot of the things that were getting in my way, but I'm terrified that my inability to forgive and move on has now pushed him away to the point where he actually doesn't like me any more. I know he loves me and cares for me, but I'm not sure he likes me or is in love. We're starting couples counselling next week but I'm so fearful that it's just so that he has a managed way out of the relationship - a third party to mediate while he tells me he doesn't want to do this any more.
I feel like we've, together, taken our relationship, this beautiful, precious, fragile thing and just thrown it against the wall and there's no way to fix it. I am so scared and anticipating heartbreak and trying to manage my slightly wobbly mental health so I don't push him even further away. I miss his touch and the ease I always felt around him. I miss being able to turn to him and ask for comfort and know he'd give it. I miss being sure I was his favourite person and that I made him happy. I miss the sex and the connection. I miss feeling like myself. I feel so pathetic. This pitiful, broken, emotional mess of a woman who can't generally get through a day without crying or feeling hurt or rejected.
I don't know what I'm posting for other than to express my fear somewhere safe. I've already had a failed marriage, I don't know if I can rebuild myself again if DP leaves me. It's so hard to start over. It's so hard and I'm so tired.