Commitment on paper

wishfultinkerer · 2025-03-14T08:17:30+00:00

DP and I have been together for 22 years, living together for 17 of those. DP owns the house we live in. DP is a loving and supportive partner and good father to DD, 20. we have no issues around splitting housework or finances and he has never given me any reason to doubt him. We are both mid 60s and retired. However, he has always refused to marry me, won’t enter into a cohabitation agreement or property trust, or put my name on the house deed. I would just like to see some long-term commitment on paper and, in legal terms as I know that not being married means I have absolutely no rights if he were,for example, to ask me to leave tomorrow. He says he feels married to me already and sees us growing old together. We have both put each other as beneficiaries in our wills and set each other up as beneficiaries on our pension so if one of us were to die, we would be taken care of. He keeps saying that I don’t have to worry if he were to die first, but my question to him is what about while we are living? I will have nothing but my pension, which isn’t great, to live off of if we ever split - which has never been a consideration. Is this strange behaviour and should I be worried? Or should I just accept this as we’ve never had any issues?

GoldMoon · 14/03/2025 08:26

So he has left the house to you,and also his pension / any savings etc ?

I think that sounds ok for now but do you both realise that inheritance tax is changing in the next few years where pensions will now be taxable on death except to spouses and direct decendants . So if everything added up ( and now including his pension as you are not married ) could equate to 40% tax .
I know of a few long term relationships that have married because of this .
Best both of you check out your own personal situation .

Girlmom35 · 14/03/2025 08:27

This arrangement wouldn't work for me.
Marriage or cohabitation isn't just to provide after death. It's also a security blanket.
It means you can make medical or financial decisions for your spouse if they are unable to do so themselves.
It also means neither of you can change your mind suddenly and not provide for each other.
It's saying: I hope we spend the rest of our lives together, but even if we don't, I'll look after you.

Why have you stayed with him all this time without any commitment?

DustyLee123 · 14/03/2025 08:27

Just because he says you are a beneficiary, doesn’t mean you are.

RightThenFred · 14/03/2025 08:31

Why has he refused to marry you? Why does he think it's good enough for other couples but not for him? It's insulting, frankly, that he says he "feels married to you already", as if that was the issue at stake, and that he "sees you growing old together" as if he's a seer peering into the clouds of fate and you're just sitting there waiting to be told your fortune.

Original poster

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 08:38

Girlmom35 · 14/03/2025 08:27

This arrangement wouldn't work for me.
Marriage or cohabitation isn't just to provide after death. It's also a security blanket.
It means you can make medical or financial decisions for your spouse if they are unable to do so themselves.
It also means neither of you can change your mind suddenly and not provide for each other.
It's saying: I hope we spend the rest of our lives together, but even if we don't, I'll look after you.

Why have you stayed with him all this time without any commitment?

@Girlmom35 that’s a good question. I guess I never considered the importance of marriage from a legal standpoint until now. I was recently made redundant which is why I have retired a bit early and that is making me rethink my financial security. Also, he has been a very loving and supportive partner. We were both married before. My previous partner was not nearly as supportive.

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Original poster

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 08:41

RightThenFred · 14/03/2025 08:31

Why has he refused to marry you? Why does he think it's good enough for other couples but not for him? It's insulting, frankly, that he says he "feels married to you already", as if that was the issue at stake, and that he "sees you growing old together" as if he's a seer peering into the clouds of fate and you're just sitting there waiting to be told your fortune.

he would never explain that until recently. And it was my suggestion which he agreed to. I suggested that he was actually ‘wed’ to this house, which is actually very small and modest. But he loves it. He knows that eventually, I’d like to move to a place where we can more easily grow old together. This house has a very steep and narrow staircase for example. He also admitted that marriage might mean him not being able to run his life exactly as he wants to.

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Original poster

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 08:42

DustyLee123 · 14/03/2025 08:27

Just because he says you are a beneficiary, doesn’t mean you are.

I’ve seen the beneficiary papers so I believe this to be true.

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Original poster

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 08:45

@RightThenFred
it is a bit insulting. And I feel hurt that he doesn’t want to make this commitment.

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ImFckingMattDamon · 14/03/2025 08:46

There's no chance he's legally married to someone else is there?

RightThenFred · 14/03/2025 08:48

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 08:41

he would never explain that until recently. And it was my suggestion which he agreed to. I suggested that he was actually ‘wed’ to this house, which is actually very small and modest. But he loves it. He knows that eventually, I’d like to move to a place where we can more easily grow old together. This house has a very steep and narrow staircase for example. He also admitted that marriage might mean him not being able to run his life exactly as he wants to.

Show quote history

Hmm, this is a bit bizarre. It's like he thinks of marriage as "having to live together forever", when actually it's the legal arrangement that will (among other things) stop you having to pay inheritance tax on whatever house he does leave behind.

What is he saying - that if you wanted to move to a more manageable house in your old age, that he'd just say "Good luck, then, see ya" and stay in "his" house? (Staying forever young, of course)

If that's really the person he wants to be, then he could also do that as a married man. At least you'd be spared the inheritance tax.

Original poster

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 09:30

No. He was, but I have seen his divorce papers. But I’m not surprised you thought that.

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Original poster

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 09:30

No. He was, but I have seen his divorce papers. But I’m not surprised you thought that.

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Original poster

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 09:32

RightThenFred · 14/03/2025 08:48

Hmm, this is a bit bizarre. It's like he thinks of marriage as "having to live together forever", when actually it's the legal arrangement that will (among other things) stop you having to pay inheritance tax on whatever house he does leave behind.

What is he saying - that if you wanted to move to a more manageable house in your old age, that he'd just say "Good luck, then, see ya" and stay in "his" house? (Staying forever young, of course)

If that's really the person he wants to be, then he could also do that as a married man. At least you'd be spared the inheritance tax.

Show quote history

True. And it wasn’t married forever to his last partner. I do think everybody pointing out the inheritance tax bit has been really helpful.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 09:33

"However, he has always refused to marry me, won’t enter into a cohabitation agreement or property trust, or put my name on the house deed."

Seems like he does not and has never really wanted to share with you what he regards as "his" (his house, his life etc). He is selfish to a fault and I think you have not had any issues because you've just gone along with this from him without question. He was a step up from your ex but you had a very low bar in relationships and this Mr Wrong here has taken advantage.

I hope your DD does not get into a relationship with someone akin to this man.

I would be making an appointment with a Solicitor to have that person explain the full implications to you financially upon your man's death. Do not blithely take your man's word for it that you will be alright. He feeling married to you means bugger all and is insulting. You will indeed be treated as two separate individuals unrelated to each other.

I would now show your man the meaning of loss. Stop showing him this treatment of you is acceptable to you. Talk about good enough to live with but not good enough to marry.

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/03/2025 09:37

Martin Lewis Money Show had a whole programme a couple of weeks ago about marriage, death and the financial implications including inheritance tax. It might be worth watching it with him and use it as a conversation starter.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 09:38

Has he got children from a previous marriage?. They could well potentially make a claim on his estate.

You need to know how the land lies from a legal standpoint re this current property.

Dweetfidilove · 14/03/2025 09:52

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 09:33

"However, he has always refused to marry me, won’t enter into a cohabitation agreement or property trust, or put my name on the house deed."

Seems like he does not and has never really wanted to share with you what he regards as "his" (his house, his life etc). He is selfish to a fault and I think you have not had any issues because you've just gone along with this from him without question. He was a step up from your ex but you had a very low bar in relationships and this Mr Wrong here has taken advantage.

I hope your DD does not get into a relationship with someone akin to this man.

I would be making an appointment with a Solicitor to have that person explain the full implications to you financially upon your man's death. Do not blithely take your man's word for it that you will be alright. He feeling married to you means bugger all and is insulting. You will indeed be treated as two separate individuals unrelated to each other.

I would now show your man the meaning of loss. Stop showing him this treatment of you is acceptable to you. Talk about good enough to live with but not good enough to marry.

He is selfish to a fault and I think you have not had any issues because you've just gone along with this from him without question. He was a step up from your ex but you had a very low bar in relationships and this Mr Wrong here has taken advantage.

This is on point.

He also admitted that marriage might mean him not being able to run his life exactly as he wants to

I'm interested to know what it is he's doing with his life now that would be restricted if he was married.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2025 09:58

He says he feels married to me already

Then he shouldn’t have a problem signing the papers to make it official. This sort of thing is so aggravating. He’s treating you like you’re stupid.

RightThenFred · 14/03/2025 11:14

Aside from the very important stuff about inheritance tax and all the other legal rights, marriage is also about making an explicit commitment to be a team "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health". It's interesting that, now that you've been made redundant and old age is on the horizon, his colours seem to be showing. I'd ask him what part of those vows he doesn't like. And if he says he's fine with them, ask him what legal rights he doesn't want the two of you to have.

It's a bit hilarious that he's talking like a young bachelor not wanting to settle down, when in fact he's a man in his sixties cohabiting with the mother of his adult child.

its2025 · 14/03/2025 11:28

You might want to check what may happen in the future if your partner has to go into a nursing home too. The house could potentially have to be sold from underneath you to pay for his care fees. You on the other hand don't have assets (or at least not so many) so you might find yourself at the mercy of the local authority.

Original poster

wishfultinkerer · 14/03/2025 16:34

Thanks everyone. It’s given me a lot to think about and also confirms my own feelings at the moment.

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Channellingsophistication · 15/03/2025 07:57

I’m in a similar position. DP and I are not married, we have both been married before and we have one DC and jointly own the house.

It didn’t worry me too much when I was younger but now in our 50/60’s I want us to have a civil partnership. He won’t get married and I’m not sure that feels right either anyway.

A civil partnership offers the same protections as marriage. The only difference being if you are married assets and property automatically pass to the spouse on death whereas in a civil partnership you have to leave it to your partner in your will.

A civil partnership can be done without fuss if that is what he is worried about it, it literally is just a piece of paper. It is very selfish and uncaring of him if he doesn’t want to offer you this protection. You are very vulnerable otherwise.