I really just need to to hear some sensible and realistic responses to this that might offer other possible perspectives.
Tl:DR we rarely have sex anymore. I've spiralled, along with the situation, into thinking that he just isn't attractive to me and has settled for me and I'm finding it hard not to reject him when he does initiate sex because I've lost all my confidence.
We've been together for about three and a half years and I've suspected for a while that my partner isn't really attracted to me. Or something.
This isn't an overnight thing but has built probably over the past 18 months - 2 years.
When we first got together, like most couples, we had sex as often as we could (several times a week). And then, during the same week, he lost an erection twice. He said it was due to his age (he was 57 at the time), was nothing to do with me and I accepted that. I had no reason to think it was me because our relationship was brilliant and I believed he found me very attractive. It didn't happen again but we probably dropped to sex 3 times a week at this point. And it stayed like that for around a year or so with no further issues (obviously, I didn't document this so timescales are a bit ball park figure).
After this, I still initiated sex, as did he. But then around 18 months/2 years ago, I initiated a couple of times and he rejected me. Again, that's fine. But until that point neither of us had done so, and that seemed to be the start of a slippery slope.
We had sex once when he just seemed to lose interested half way through and he started staying up after I'd come to bed and not coming up until he was sure I was asleep saying afterwards he'd been reading or scrolling through fb. Sometimes he'd disturb me when coming up and it was 3-4 hours later. If we went to bed at the same time, rather than cuddling and talking as we had done every night previously, he'd get his phone out and start scrolling. If I put my arm around him, he ignored it. Just anything that sent the message to leave him alone really.
My confidence did start to dip at this point. So I backed off ever initiating. He still did but I stopped because it was when I initiated it that he lost interest and he was very clear he wasn't interested until he was.
For the last 12 months, sex has dwindled to once every few weeks. He is still affectionate during the day and cuddling up in bed but that is where it ends. When he has initiated at these times, it feels unexpected and I'm half asleep so I don't respond.
I usually shower before work in the mornings. Earlier this week, I showered in the evening and cuddled up to him on the sofa (never a problem there) but he must have told me 3 times over the next half hour that he had a headache and was tired. We haven't had sex for 2/3 weeks. But also I haven't actively initiated sex for nearly 2 years now so I don't think he'd have really thought that's what I was doing. I suppose I was letting him know I was open to it if he wanted to. But this happens every time I do that. Every single time I indicate I'm open to it, he always rejects it. I suspect now this is because he wasn't expecting it and has already sorted himself out that day.
We have talked about it. He insists he is attracted to me. He is affectionate, sometimes flirty and a bit playfully suggestive in the evenings but it feels like he's doing this to give me reassurance that he's interested in me sexually without really being so. I have started to become dismissive of these times because I feel I'm being mocked/taken for a fool and he now feels this is a 'rejection' from me.
It's spiralled really. I feel unattractive and undesirable and, tbh, I have no idea how he feels because he isn't open about it beyond saying he loves me.
Like I say, I've tried talking to him but I don't really feel that anything is resolved. There are lots of reassurances but no explanations. When we first got together, I talked openly about my needs/what I liked but he offered nothing in return so I've always felt I was running in the dark and wondered if his waning interest was because I just didn't do it for him or wasn't doing what he liked.
Now it feels like if I do anything which he perceives as a potential overture towards sex, he has lots of reasons why he doesn't want to. Which doesn't make sense given that he's also said once previously he'd like us to do it more than we do.
I've assumed at this stage that these times are days when he's sorted himself out and he knows he won't be able to 'perform' twice in one day so gets the rejection warning in before any advances are made.
I don't think he has lost interest in sex or even really his drive. That's not the impression I get. I get the impression that he has a sex life just not one that I am part of anymore.
It sometimes feels like he only actually initiates when he thinks there's a reasonable chance I'll turn him down. Like at midnight on a week night when we both have to be up at 6 and are knackered.
I know the answer is to talk to him about it but I don't feel he is being honest. His responses are all reassurances but without any explanation or talk of how he feels, what he wants or needs.
I'm not even that fussed about having sex more often really. I just feel unattractive, undesirable and a bit insecure about it. I don't want to have sex with someome who doesn't really want sex with me, where I feel I don't know what I'm doing because he won't give any feedback at all. I feel all the talk of loving me and flirty overtures are a pisstake and I don't want to hear them. I don't want to be someone he has sex with once a month to experience sticking his penis in a real person (I don't think he's cheating) but the rest of the time, he'd rather sort himself out using his imagination, memories or something he's watching at the time.
Do you have any thoughts on this? Everything else is great in the relationship (at the moment) but I am starting to feel the lack of confidence creep into other things.