Don’t know what to do anymore

[sunpetal]

I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m at a complete loss. Sorry if this is long I just don’t want to drip feed or miss anything out.
I’m a single mum to a 9 year old. My son lost his dad last year and he is currently about to start counselling for this and is having a tough time.
I rely on my mum a lot for childcare as I don’t have anyone else. She picks him up from school and my son will stay there till I get in from work at around 6.30pm.

I’m 37 and my brother is 25. He lives with my mum and has several failed relationships behind him. He currently doesn’t have a job either. He has always had problems with alcohol and drug abuse. A few of the things he has done:
Getting my mums house burgled through owing drug dealers money (including my sons stuff). I had to meet a drug dealer to pay them and get the stuff back.
Broke my mums arm and assaulted her numerous times.
Smashed her house up.
Sold belongings in the house to pay for drugs/alcohol.
Had police helicopters out looking for him as he threatened to harm himself.
Ruined every special occasion because he gets off his face all of the time.
I’ve received videos of him apparently sleeping with people for drugs and drink.
Owes a lot of money from what I’ve been told.
He lies in bed all day and then gets up on a night and sniffs drugs on social platforms for his “followers”.
The list could go on and on but it would take me forever to write it all down.

My mum NEVER throws him out. She says he is going to get help and things are going to change but they never do. It’s a constant vicious cycle what has been going on for 10 years. Incidents like this will happen once a month, we go through all the motions and then it’s right back to square one.
I appreciate my mum saying it’s her son and she can’t turn her back on him but what about us? I’ve currently gone on antidepressants because I can’t take no more, I am sick of the worry whether he’s going to die or it’s going to end up killing him.
I’m sick of the arguments and I’m just sick of the constant stress. My main concern is my son though, he is having a really hard time dealing with things and I’ve sheltered him as much as I can from my brother. He idolises him and doesn’t know the full extent.
But now it’s getting more serious and I feel like I can’t have my son down there. I’ve looked for other jobs what are more school friendly hours- I must have applied for 30 and have heard nothing back. I’ve spoken to my current job and they’ve said if I cut my hours down I will have to look for somewhere else as I am a manager and it doesn’t work for the business.
I feel like I’m going to have to leave my job and cut all ties with them for the sake of my son. But I’m going to have no family and no money and it breaks my heart.
My mum is always going to chose my brother because I know she’s frightened something is going to happen to him but I feel like she is part of the problem because he knows he can keep doing this. But I don’t want my son growing up recovering from a childhood full of drugs and alcohol.

I don’t know what I’m expecting from this post I just needed to get it all out because my friend are sick of hearing about it and I feel like they are starting to really resent my mum and I don’t want that. She’s a good person and we’ve had a great childhood so I don’t know why he’s like this. I just feel so alone and scared for the future.

If you paid for childcare would you be able to get any universal credit towards it?
You can't have your DC in a house with an unstable violent drug addict. You need to find alternative childcare somehow and reduce contact with both mum and brother. It's time to detach. You've got enough to cope with.

Thank you xx

So sorry you are going through this.

Have you made a formal request for flexible working at your workplace? My friend is a manager, but she works part time. Do you have any options for remote working or changing your work pattern? Could you work in the office, leave early to do school pick up then work at home for the remainder of the day? At 9 he’s able to entertain himself for a couple of hours whilst you finish your working day. Could something like that work? Or can DS go to an after-school club instead? I know these clubs are expensive, however. Perhaps a mixture of these two options.

You definitely can’t have your DS going to your mum’s with your brother there like that. I can understand your mum wants to help your brother, but he needs some tough love. You need to distance yourself from them both. You have enough to cope with

Leaving your job is not a wise idea. You may get no help in benefits and then they’ll expect you to have a new job asap which you know finding a new one is difficult.

Look into after school childcare.

Thank you both!
my job isn’t one where I could work from home- I would need to be there all the time. I have spoken to both my director and my manager and they have both said it wouldn’t work for the business me doing shorter hours.
after school club could be an option but the latest they finish is 4.30 so I would still need another hour and a half at least.
i live in quite a remote village too so there isn’t a great deal of options out there for me. I do appreciate the advice though cx

Hiya, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds really tough! I don't know where you're based but if you are in Hampshire there is a fab charity called PSL who provide support to family and friends of loved ones using substances. It might be worth reaching out to them Home - Parent Support Link

Thank you! Still no further forward- I’ve spoken to my mum and she said she won’t turn her back on him which I get. I just feel so alone.

Could your Mum pick him up from school and take him to your house and look after him there?