What does emotional support in your relationship look like?

[lalaladyday]

Feel at my wit’s end with DH tonight. We’ve been together a long time (24 years) but as we age I think his levels of empathy and kindness are in steep decline…

He can be demonstrative and does do thoughtful things - brings me a cup of tea each morning etc. He has also been great in times of major crises - will step up and offer help on a practical level. However, with day to day stress, if I ever just want to talk about a worry or a minor problem, he can be so dismissive and irritable. It’s like I’m not ‘allowed’ to ever vocalise any concern, ever. I’ll get told my feelings are ‘nonsense’ or I ‘worry about everything’.

I’m a capable, strong person. It’s not like I am needy or moany…but increasingly this feels impossible. For example, we have a dd with a long term health condition, I said in passing that I will worry a bit when she goes off to uni - it’s perfectly understandable - and he essentially told me I was being really annoying to even voice it. Not as in ‘you have no need to worry’, but more ‘shut up, I can’t be bothered to hear your thoughts’.

For context, I grew up with just women. He went to boarding school and has a dysfunctional family. I would understand it more if he was just a steady, calm type…but he’s not! He gets emotional about things, loses his temper quickly etc etc. But I am expected to be Miss Sunshine all the time.

Can anyone relate to this, and how do you navigate it?

I can relate to this one in many ways OP. Tonight especially. We have 4 daughters between us each from previous marriage as well as his aging mum. I step in daily with solutions for everyone to solve their issues but when I have my own personal dilemmas and want to talk about them with him then it’s dismissal time as though I’m fussing. I feel your pain OP x

Yes I can relate. We’ve been together a very very long time. Every time I’ve ever expressed a concern or worry he told me not to be so negative. It really grates my gears. Our grown up son picked him up on it recently and told him that it exacerbated his anxiety. Couple of weeks after that, after a couple of glasses of wine he said it again, I snapped and told him that he needed to stop! I think it shocked him as I’m usually very non confrontational. Seems to have worked so far. I think he thinks twice before he opens his mouth.

Having a child with a health condition going away from home is not a “nonsense” thing to talk about.
And shutting topics down before you’ve even aired them is bad manners and unhelpful.
Can completely see where you’re coming from. You’ve done well to put up for so long.
Have you ever tried going to therapy to get to the bottom of it?

Emotional support didn't seem to exist in my relationship. Practical side of things yes, same as you have written, but nothing on the emotional side. He wasn't dismissive in the way your husband seems to be but I got nothing.

After a really dreadful few years where I needed the support and didn't get it, we are now getting divorced. I was completely fed up with being everyone else's emotional rock while I didn't have one myself.

That doesn't answer your question in terms of how to navigate it with your husband. I tried to navigate it in various ways and it didn't work.

Men often think that if a problem is presented to them they have to solve it. Particularly men who have been taught to be 'strong', and 'manly' by suppressing their emotions. Then we come along and tell them about a problem that they cannot solve - panic! Quick - shut it down!

I learned to begin by explaining to dh that I needed to talk about something, and that what I needed from him was to listen to me, not for him to find a solution for me. I don't always do that any more, because dh has learned that he does not have to be Mr Problem-Solving Hero.

Dh sometimes says it to me, if he wants to chew something over, think out loud.

If we're not sure, we will check in with each other "Do you want me to listen or suggest solutions?"

It’s really exasperating that women have to teach these grown men how to not act like children, isn’t it? Another thing for us to take charge of. I would just tell him how you feel about it and that you will not accept being dismissed or disrespected any longer.

Sometimes its just easier and more meaningful to talk to a pot plant.
But I am thinking of you, even though I have no insightful words of wisdom right now - except to buy a pot plant🌻

Yep.

I also used to get "right, ok" to pretty much every worry I brought up. Frustrating as hell. Particularly as I'd listen to and empathise with all of his concerns, no matter how 'silly'.

That relationship is done now, thank god.

In my relationship emotional support looks like my friends and sister! Not because dp is unkind or grumpy like your dh op. But because he’s not really that kind of bloke. If I ask for support, sympathy, I most definitely get it from him and he is brilliant at showing his love and support in practical ways. He’s just not one to talk about emotions. He is a very steady and calm man. And I’m Very happy with that.

Your DH on the other hand, sounds really unkind. I couldn’t be doing with that.