I don’t know what to do

[SeashellsAndDaffodils]

My partner and I have been together for 8 years and have one child.

He cares a lot about us and I think he does love me.

I suffer with various mental and physical health issues. Was particularly ill after having our child nearly 5 years ago.

We own a home together. He works full time in a stressful job and I work part time so that I can do the childcare.

He does the bins and the garden stuff. I do everything else.

I have always had low libido due to medication and lots of past trauma. He has a very high libido and s3x has always been a tricky topic for us. We have always had much less than he’d like. I have no interest in it at all but do it when I feel I should (which is very infrequent, maybe once every couple of months).

I am struggling with this relationship. When I say that I need time to clean so can he take our child out he says the house doesn’t need cleaning (but it does, and I don’t have time to do it properly during the week). He will take the kid out, though. He is quite dismissive and focused on his own needs and his own thoughts (eg I ask how he has slept or how his day was and he will share that but not ask me). He speaks to me with a lot of disdain a lot of the time. I feel that I am just here to clean and do the childcare. He’s a great dad, although isn’t present very much.

He has promised marriage since very early on in our relationship but no proposal or discussion. He shuts down any discussion I try to have about it.

I want to be alone the majority of the time. I feel stuck as I am not a high earner and not entitled to anything as we co-own the home (but he put down the deposit). He pays for the mortgage and I pay all bills.

I don’t know what to do. I feel sick at the thought of uprooting our child’s life and how I would cope without him but also don’t know that I can feel so low forever. My self esteem was shot before I met him but it feels like it decreases daily. I also feel like I’m being selfish and needy in not being happy with what I have here, and guilty because he’s not getting what he needs or wants from this.

please help

Please help me :(

OP there are a few issues here.

First if you have no libido and don't want to have sex, please stop. Your husband's needs do not usurp your own and you are not obligated to give anyone sex.

Second, what's your mental health like now?

Third, you need to explore what life would be like if you were single. Can you work more? What benefits are you entitled to? CMS? Can you retrain and do something better paying? Share of the house?

Gingerbread have a good helpline and can answer most questions bar legal. They can tell you about benefits, co parenting, CMS etc

The Citizens Advice website has lots of useful information.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

He is not a great dad if he treats you and in turn his child like this. The mental load on you is immense whilst all he does is take the bins out and garden stuff.

What is the situation re the property and finances?. Are you at all named on any tenancy agreement or mortgage?. Your legal position here is very poor and I think he has also used your poor state of health against you. Your self worth is further being diminished by this man now.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he/she learning here?. This is an awful example of a relationship to show your kid.

i would urge you to call Womens Aid and seek their advice as to how to leave safely.

@Stainedduveti barely have sex with him as it is. I can’t imagine what it would be like if he got none at all. He feels very hard done by and although he doesn’t push me there’s a feeling all the time.

my mental health is crap.

I wouldn’t get any more hours in the job I’m in at the moment. And I don’t think I’d get anything as ‘we’ own the house together (although he did the deposit so would take that from a sale and we’re only a year into the mortgage). I have a degree I’m not using so cpuld do that.

thank you, I’ll look into chatting with gingerbread.
do I seem really unreasonable in this? I am not sure. When I met him the bar was so so low as I’d come out of a horrendous relationship and he seemed like an angel. 8 years on not so much

@AttilaTheMeerkatim not sure that I do all that much though is what I think I’m trying to say. I feel like I’m complaining about nothing when he does work hard and provide the roof over our heads.

i am on the mortgage, we jointly own the house although he put down the deposit for it so I would get nothing if we sell.

I want her to know her worth and know that she should be treated well. But I am not sure if I am just complaining and expecting too much from him/our relationship when it’s not that bad. He does work hard. I don’t know if I’m just weak and can’t cope with normal day to day parenting and life.

@SeashellsAndDaffodils No you don't seem unreasonable at all.

I would focus on two things.

1. Your mental health. Can you see your GP and discuss medication? Are you having therapy? You can try BACP for a therapist and Anxiety UK does affordable therapy.

1. Gather information. You don't have to do anything just find out where you stand. Start with Gingerbread and like I said, the CAB website has lots of info.

Put your needs first, it sounds like your partner does.

It’s not you, it’s him.

Youve gone from one abuser to another, albeit of a different type but abusive all the same. No wonder your self esteem is in the gutter, he’s also put you there as long with your ex.

Seek legal advice re the house and rely on this rather than supposition. He needs to do far more but he has you doing it all instead. You’re indeed doing the vast amount of work whilst he’s only taking the bins out and some garden work.

Your child is learning very damaging lessons about relationships. Your man and you should no longer be together.

@Stainedduvetim on medication and am under a complex needs mental health team (who are terrible but that’s a whole other story). I need trauma therapy but can’t afford it and have been waiting 7 years for it on the nhs :(
thank you I’ll take a look at both.
thank you for your help, I really do appreciate it

@AttilaTheMeerkatthabk you, I’ll have a look for a solicitor (that’s the right thing yes?) tomorrow and see if I can have a chat.
thank you, I really appreciate your help

It doesn't sound like your medication is working and it would be a good idea to speak to your psychiatrist about adjusting it or trying something else. Like I said, Anxiety UK does affordable therapy.

Why would he get married when he clearly isn’t happy? He’s telling you the house doesn’t need cleaned but you’re putting that above other things.

I don’t understand your comment @HomeBodyClub. I know he isn’t happy but he was once (or said he was) and was the one to bring up getting married in the first place. I’m not putting the cleaning above other things (not sure what other things you mean?) I’m doing the cleaning because the house needs to be cleaned and I don’t want my child living in a dirty home?

It sounds like there's resentment that has built up on both sides.
I'm not sure if there's going to be any coming back from it.
You're young and so is he, I can't help feeling you both deserve to be in relationships which are more loving and meet your respective needs