Work Friends or More

[KMFrances]

I need some help. My other half has been working with a female worker for nearly 20 years. She’s unmarried. The last year they have been doing lots of business stuff together and on a few occasions he stayed out all night drinking with her - she’s a big drinker too. On one occasions he lied and said he fell asleep but I found out he was drinking with her. The other one he told me about. Anyway. Things have come to ahead between us as feel they have become too close - I’ve seen messages nothing much but on occasions he’s has deleted them. He swears and swears nothing is going on and he just has a drinking problem but I just have this sick feeling all the time. One message she put to him ‘whatever happens we will always have each other’. He messaged was just very much Hi ….. it tough at the moment but thanks for your support. I am quite an insecure person and a massive over thinker. Out last row he was very pissed at me and said that I’m always questioning him. He’s just going to stop going out and that will just solve everything as he can’t stand my attitude when he is out. I dont know what to do - am I the horrible person and treating him badly and going mad or is he turning this all round on me and something is going on.

No you’re not a horrible person. He has lied to you and deleted texts between them so now you can’t trust him. He shouldn’t be getting so drunk he has to spend the night at the woman’s house. If that is inevitable if he goes out then no, perhaps he shouldn’t go out.

But it all sounds like the script. There are so many threads on here that are basically the same as yours. Men behaving the same as your husband. It’s sad to read because it’s almost always the beginning of the realisation the men are cheating. That grinding suspicion but perfectly understandable disbelief their husband could be doing that. I’m sorry you are going through this but maybe you should prepare yourself for the possibility they are having an affair.

No, you are not the horrible person - the drinking alone should be enough for you to reconsider your relationship if he is, as you say, a heavy drinker! Alcohol likes company, but is not your friend, it takes hostages. And if his work colleague is also a drinker, well, 'birds of a feather' and, as we all know, drinkers like to minimise their alcohol intake and mix with other drinkers to normalise their behaviour and try to make it positive and aspirational.

How long have you been together, any kids together, housing situation?

Erm this is not acceptable

Seems highly suspicious

But I guess all children are grown up and flown the nest? Or is finances keeping him or her where they are?

Otherwise they’d just be together?

… I just have this sick feeling all the time.

@KMFrances, this is no way to live. Your H is damaging your marriage by abusing alcohol and prioritizing this OW.

In my view, they are enjoying an inappropriate intimacy and reliance. He lied about staying out all night with her and has deleted their messages. She told him ‘whatever happens we will always have each other’, which is a romantic overture. While they do gain mutual validation via their drinking, there is clearly an emotional component (at the least) in their connection.

He is trampling on your boundaries and trashing your relationship, but couldn’t care less. He dismisses your valid feelings, becomes hostile, and shifts the blame, but I daresay he too would feel unsettled if you were lying about staying out all night with a male colleague who was emoting that you’d always have each other, not to mention your getting rid of messages.

@KMFrances, you’ve made your position clear, but he is determined to stay in his cozy bubble with OW instead of distancing himself. I wouldn’t tolerate this utter disrespect and line-crossing in my marriage and you shouldn’t either. Don’t sentence yourself to perpetual anxiety and uncertainty. Drop the rope and show him the door.