Blending a young family. 5yr old DD and baby

[HJ82]

I am a co-parent mum and have a 5 year old. I recently started dating a man who has an infant. We are serious about each other but I don't want to fully commit until I've thought hard about our circumstances and how it will affect my daughter. The baby was an accident and he was never with the mother, but he and her are on good terms. Obviously he isn't "coparenting" yet as the child is still a baby. But he intends on being very present in raising this child. Realistically if we ended up in a fully committed relationship we wouldn't be blending our family for a few years if we decided to live together. However the children would meet. I am worried about a few things
if my DD rejects the child (but hoping because she is a baby this might be a smoother transition as i have read on here that these dynamics are very difficult with older kids i.e. 5 and a 7 year old etc.

Just looking for general advice really. a few friends are supportive and some say run now... Has anyone had an experience like this?

I am also worried about any potential relationship breakdown in the future (it happens) and having a bond with this child and my daughter having it as a sibling - how that might break her heart if the relationship does not work out. very complex...

I always thought it would be ideal to meet a single dad who also has one child rather than a man without kids of his own to be a step father to my girl. Now i am worried about it being rather messy. I am not looking at having anymore bio children.
thanks for any stories or advice you can share :)

If you split up then you and your dd would have no right to contact with your partner’s baby or with your partner so it will probably be messier than when you broke up with your DD’s dad.

Keep it slow and live separately while your partner learns about parenthood. He may mean well now but like many stepdads on here , may struggle when his child is old enough to squabble with yours and the feelings of guilt when he sees your dd without his child.

Blended families do not work. Put your daughter first.

I'd completely avoid a man with infant tbh

I think firstly you stop looking at it as a step father to your child. As you said you plan to go slowly and not blend for a good few years so he won't be step father for ages yet?!

Treat the child like you would treat the child of a good friend. Have a friendly bond but not a mothering one. Your child has a friendly bond but not a sibling one.

You want to be very careful not to take on the role of mother for this baby while they spend time with dad. Initially baby will be building a bind with dad and you should not be around interfering with that. Then once a good bond is established it's on dad to parent not you.

My kids dad has a gf. She does all the parenting for him. My kids have a bond with her. I worry a lot about what happens when she finally has enough of being used as a free nanny and walks away because my ids loose someone very important to them if that happens. If she hasn't been interested in parenting his kids I'm sure he would not have picked her. At the same time I'm sure he told her he's a "hands on dad" and bugged himself up as this brilliant man taking responsibility for his kids. If this child is a baby then you can't possibly have been with the father long enough to really know him!! Make it very very clear you will not be parenting his child and when he has his child he should be spending quality time with that child so you will give him space at those times. See what happens and if that works out fine for a few years you can start with the friendship type relationship with the kids and then blend if that goes well. Think in years not months. And never loose sight that this is a relationship for your benefit NOT your child's benefit. Nothing intrinsically wrong with that you deserve some fun and happiness but know that's what you are doing don't delude yourself this is a step father until you have years under your belt and are getting married

I hear you. I’m an only child and had a step father. My mother never had kids with him. It was tough. By ending up with a single father I’d thought it would be good for my DD. But the more I read I realise the nuances of having a non blood link “sibling” seems to be very difficult.

Imo he is going to be spending a lot of time with /communicating with his ex.... Couldn't en doing with that personally.. Your tone with him will be minimal for a long time.

And no I’m not shopping for a sibling. I just don’t know about choosing a man who has no children to be a part of my daughter’s life. I’ve a very good relationship with my step father fwiw

They weren’t together. But yes I know. My ex is a huge part of my life. In my home every day. I need a man who understands coparenting.

I would expect the co-parenting to be bumpy as it will be such a big transition to go from visiting his baby to having her overnight and then more. I think I would put any plans on hold until you both know what that looks like and he is in a routine.
It might mean your daughter not meeting her until she is a bit bigger, while she may love the baby its easy to forget just how time consuming babies are and how much attention they need, this would be a big change if she's used to being an only child.