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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you think to this? Female colleague??

4 replies

OchreTraybake · 13/03/2025 14:04

I have been married 10 years this year, our marriage has always been ok, although I always suspected he might have been entertaining a couple of his female work colleagues over this period (not physically but via messages etc) I called him out one time (2022) after one of them kept calling him at 10pm on a Friday evening and kept sending messages over the weekend (joys of carplay you can see who is messaging!) and he assured me nothing was going on, and that he had even called the colleague out himself as he felt her behaviour was a bit ott towards him. He assured me that he would arrange for one of his understudies to start dealing with her and I believed him.

Last year an old college friend (male) got back in touch and we exchanged the odd message, nothing sexual or untoward, and i was open and honest with my husband, however he felt the need to go through my phone to check...he found nothing!

Since then he has been weird, over the top loving, buying me extravagant gifts, taking me away for the night when this would only ever happen once in a blue moon before...
I was using his IPad the other day and found he had screenshot photos of this same colleague from Facebook very recently...do you think something is actually going on with her? and deep down he is feeling guilty for not believing me? or do you think this is controlling behaviour - having his cake and eating it??

Arggghhh, I don't know how to feel!

OP posts:
madaffodil · 13/03/2025 14:31

He didn't trust you because he doesn't trust himself, and because despite evidence to the contrary, he no longer completely trusts you, so has opened the door for him. So yes, I'd think his head has been turned again.

OchreRaven · 13/03/2025 16:47

If he looked through your phone ask to look through his. If you don’t ask because you are scared of his reaction that says it all.

I have my husband’s phone passcode and he happily leaves it around the house. If I wanted to I could look. I don’t because he doesn’t give me reason to but if he behaved suspiciously I would. And I definitely would if he looked through mine!

Chuchoter · 13/03/2025 18:17

madaffodil · 13/03/2025 14:31

He didn't trust you because he doesn't trust himself, and because despite evidence to the contrary, he no longer completely trusts you, so has opened the door for him. So yes, I'd think his head has been turned again.

You've nailed it!

FromtheMaleperspective · 14/03/2025 01:05

Without knowing what your partner does for a job it's difficult to consider why a female colleague would call at such a time. Although, your partner had admitted that he has called out the co-worker and rightly so and has taken steps to prevent further incident. Has this worked? Is the co-worker contacting your partner less? The screenshots are odd, but not unexplainable.

For whatever reason, you've connected with an old college friend and you have been open with this to your partner however, it's not been mentioned how close you were to your college friend. If your partner isn't aware of the type of friendship you had, this may cause concern.

Men are quite cave-man-like in that if they feel threatenned or worried their partner could be swooped away by another man, they may look to 'Peacock' to show that their partner should remain with them.

My expirience? 10 years of marriage 16 years together and two children.

You've been married 10 years, arguably, in that time you know your partner better than anyone else. I wouldn't jump too quickly to conclusions or even asking online for others' views as this could cause you to go into overdrive and consider 'worst case scenarios'. Also, 10 years is a long time, people become too relaxed and forget to make time for one another and suddenly a lught bulb moment happens and you realise you've been room mates for a little while instead of life partners.

Sit down with your partner, have a drink of your chosing each (tea is usually preferable) and have a discussion. Don't allow for emotions to become involved as things may escalate and you risk damaging your relationship or both parties becoming angry and it turns into 'tit for tat'. Simply ask your partner why they have been treating you so much - 'Why have you been treating me to so many nice things latley?'.

You could also ask why there are screenshots on his IPad of another girl but you would have to give reasons as to why you looked in the first place. Again don't let emotions take over and instead of accusing replace what you want to say with 'I feel/felt'.

Bare in mind, your partner may also ask you questions around your friend as he may have the same concerns as you but from the other perspective.

It's not controlling behaviour on your partners behalf unless he is controlling what you wear, where you can go, who you can talk to, your finances, access to your own devices etc. If he is doing these things then you should reach out to a friend for support and contact your local domestic violence support networks avaliable to you that can be found on your local Police website.

In summary, ask your partner, they are the only person who can answer the questions you have and reassure or confirm anything to you. Online can be a place that is quick to feed you more concerns and worry.

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