Friends - is it me? Any advice

[Newlywedgal]

I am happy enough to hear if anyone feels I am the problem or any advice to improve my friendships.

Essentially my entire adult life has been plagued by friendships where I eventually end up being let down and hurt.

Started at School where a group of girls bullied me, would not invite me to things, talk about me behind my back. I honestly thought it would end when I went to University. When I attended University having left school with one friend I ended up clinging onto a girl who on reflection would not have pissed on me if I was on fire. She would not return my calls and would dump me when a boyfriend came along. The one friend from School - I remember attending her 21st birthday (had been invited). I got a bus myself from Manchester to our home town (5 hours trip) she said I could stay at hers. when I arrived she burst out laughing and said ‘i cannot belive you came’ and ignored me the whole night. I had no where to stay so ended up sleeping in a barn at her road end and getting a taxi to get the bus to take me home in the morning. I never spoke to her again. I also heard how she had been gossiping about me saying I was friendless.

Again, I put this down to immaturity and thought better was to come. I get into my final years of Uni and had a group of four friends who I lived with. I found out they had all schemed behind my back to live together or with their boyfriends. I again was left without accomodation and only when one of their plans fell through with their boyfriend they lived with me. This friendship turned toxic. When we got our final results through in the morning (we were on the same course and the results were important as it correlated into where you wpuld work) - she bounded into my room and demanded I open up my email infront of her so she could see with her own eyes what I had scored. I was barely awake. She would ghost for weeks at a time when she got a new boyfriend. I eventually cut her off too. She would make ridiculous comments about our other friends - ‘she wont meet another boyfriend at this age’ (we were 22), ‘what a loser’, for spending time alone on NYE. All of these woman still hang around together and are bridesmaids at each others weddings.

I found out at University that the same group of girls made up rumours I had herpes and STIs, would constantly say I was sleeping around. I wasn’t. There is nothing wrong if thats what you chose.

I am obviously still deeply traumatised by this as I can still picture it all to this day.

again I thought all of this would end with maturity. As I have grown into adult hood I have always held out hope I would get better friends, but the pattern continues with the same if not more nastiness. I was in tears last weekend when I found out a girl in my post graduate group was critizing my home and calling me a gold digger. Despite the fact I earn more than my husband. I was lucky enough to be gifted a beautiful engagement ring last year and I wish I had been given a plain band now. The amount of hate I have had. They say I look like a drag queen behind my back, rumour its not a real diamond. I feel many of them attended my wedding just for a nosey, some said they would come and messaged me the morning of the wedding to cancel. Then two ‘friends’ tried to stage an intervention a month before my wedding to sit me down and explain to me my abusive ex from my 20s was now married and they hoped I was OK and just wanted it to come from them. I have not spoken to them about this EXB in 10 years and I cannot help it was another attempt to bring me down when I was about to get married. I have no idea why they even have this guy on their social media - I don’t.

I have honestly had enough. I have no idea what I have done to deserve such a level of contempt from my peers. I cry to my sisters and ask ‘is it me?’ To which they kindly say no but I really have such low esteem after all of this that I have to believe its me.

One thing I would say I have in my favour of my character objectively is that I always get good praise from bosses. In my work place I have never had a problem - I climbed the ladder easily and was promoted quickly. Again this was met with hatred from my peers, one rumour was I had ‘clearly shagged my boss’ I hadn’t. I have had them say ‘you just need to stop being so successful’.

I will point out I come from a background of nothing. We could not afford clothes and lived in a two bedroom council house. I worked three jobs during University to make ends meet. Graduated with 100k worth of debt.

I would give anything for a few good female friends. I think my husband is worried about me, as now when I am in reciept of another bitchy text (happened just this week) he just says he does not understand it. The context of the bitchy texts this week was around me selling a flat to buy into a business. Of note I never show anything off - no posts on instagram etc. I feel so angry with how I have been treated by these people which is a new emotion, I think I buried it for so long.

Any advice at all - has anyone had similar friendship dynamics

I’m really sorry you’ve been treated so badly.

I think in your shoes I would probably stop trying. Sometimes people can sense neediness, not saying it’s your fault at all but it’s the only reason I can think of. Let other people make the moves towards friendships if they want to, then you can have more confidence they actually like you. If that doesn’t happen then so be it. You can still have a social life through hobbies and activities. Sounds like you have a good DH too.

That could be it - as when the cycle started I had few friends

Your post really resonates OP - you seem like a really lovely person and friend, and have received some shockingly awful treatment under the guise of " friendship ". But, it's your low self esteem at play here. People with nirmal, healthy boundaries and strong sense of self, would have ditched these friends at the first sniff of bad behaviour or have pushed back immediately and told them in no uncertain terms that you wouldn't be standing for such nonsense. People treat us as we allow them to. It's not a ' you' problem per se, as I said you seem like exactly the type of loyal, good person who would enhance anyone's life, but it IS a low confidence/ self esteem issue. You have to work on yourself and moving forward, really reflect on what you will/ won't put up with from significant others and at the first encroachment of your boundaries, let it be known loud and clear.

Jesus what absolute cretins they are! How did someone get old enough to do postgrad and still be so childish as to say that stuff about you? They're not friends and not worthy of friendship. They're immature twats. As someone once said to me when I had a completely different friend problem, try to choose better friends.

Do yourself a favour op and delete, block all these individuals that call themselves your friends. You do not need them.
i would look at my self If I were you and try and figure out what it is that attracts these characters.
You have a wonderful husband and wonderful sisters, it doesn’t have to feel that you need a lot more right now.

Thank you
i do not think I am alone
it just seems like the work i have put into friendships has been a waste of time

i completely agree its a self esteem issue
i am going to start treated female friendships in the same way I dated - looking for red flags etc

OP, from your post I believe you're probably a very kind, caring, generous person.
The problem there is that when you're a kind, caring and generous person, you have to be very picky who you take on as recipient of those qualities. And that's something you haven't done. I think you've always tried to work harder, be better, be nicer, be more patient, be more understanding, more forgiving... in the hopes that they would treat you better if they saw you were a good person.

That's sadly not how the world works. People treat you how the can get away with treating you. It's got nothing to do with what you deserve. It's what you put up with.
Friends, if you can even call them that, don't need second chances, because they won't betray your trust or hurt your feelings like that. So anyone who does hurt you, should no longer be considered a friend, and therefor shouldn't be on the receiving end of your kindness.

Know your worth. And surround yourself with people who are of the same worth. I think you've been chronically underestimating your worth, and hence you've continously attracted people of a lesser worth, or who treat you the way you see yourself.
Once you start to believe you deserve better, these kinds of people will flock to you. Or at least you'll repell the other kind.

I think that sounds like a very good plan. The reason I said to push back immediately when receiving insults/ digs/ slights/ let dow n etc is to let people know from the get go, you're not to be toyed with. It's harder with longer, established friendships as the dynamic has already been set - your old " friends" know they can get away with doing/ saying anything they want without consequence, so will be most resistance to change. It's not to say it can't be done but be prepared to shed a few old friends along the way; not that I think you have much to miss. Start afresh, new year, new you. You deserve better, far far better than these people.

Have you heard about attachment theory? Maybe start with the School of Life on YouTube and the Being Well podcast with Rick and Forest Hanson for some overviews.

Like you say, it’s probably something to do with understanding why you gravitate towards people who show you red flags. And understanding your emotional needs and how to meet them, so that you’re not drawn to people who can’t treat you well.

We get blueprint for relationships from how our parents are with us in early childhood, so this stuff can run really deep and unconscious, and can be tricky to uncover by yourself. Some counselling would really help if you can afford it.

You sound like a lovely person OP I would love a friend like you. It sounds like lately the people around you are jealous of you . I am guessing you are beautiful as well.

Thank you
i have been called beautiful before yes and done some modelling but i do not post any pictures of me anymore at all on social media

i just dont think its worth it anymore

I have a friend who was a really successful model in her 20s. She started working again in her 40s and is doing even better. She’s also very bright and a great writer and posted on Insta with her new work and some stories from the 90’s.
When she showed me the abuse she got in her DMs it was shocking. Appalling. I met her modelling, I was minor league and did it for a bit of extra money at college, she was cover girl. But we stayed friends.
We talked and I told her to keep posting. They weren’t private jet stories, but really funny mishaps and adventures. She didn’t give up and is even more successful again. She says she has three friends and it suits her fine. She’s so beautiful and also a lovely person.
You have clearly done so well and have confidence at work. Your husband adores you. Go with that. Stop hiding yourself away and if you make one or two good friends that’s all you need.
That girl who invited you to her party and did that was clearly jealous and didn’t want you getting any attention. What a horror.
My best friend I met modelling and when I say modelling I mean modelling knickers in the Littlewoods catalogue, or garden furniture for Argos. We found a home in each other.
Go and really be you. Don’t hide anything and celebrate you and someone will be your mate. I don’t know you and I would.
Although you may be envious if you see some of my past photo shoots. I mean how could you compete with me modelling physical aids for an NHS catalogue?!
I shit you not, but the money was great.
Go out and live a little and you will find your tribe.

Someone once told me (I thought she was quite full of herself at the time) that the only reason people are mean to you is because they're jealous, I was young at the time but turns out it was pretty solid advice.

I can really relate to how you’re feeling. After being hurt by so many people, I gave up trying to make friends when my daughters were in primary school. I really don’t know what the answer is and I have come to the conclusion that some people are just horrible. When we moved about 60 miles away, our girls joined a new school and things started to change. The first year at their new school, I really kept myself to myself because I was put off from previous experiences. The second year, I started saying hello to a couple of people and joining the odd coffe morning and stuff. Thanks to regular sport and music events, we slowly started getting to know some of the other parents although I never expected much. That was 15 years ago and I am still friends with some of those people! I also joined a couple of clubs where I met similar minded people and have some lovely friendships there too. As others have said, take your time to get to know people without giving up too much of yourself. People would be lucky to have you as a friend!

Thank you so much

My mum is a narcissist so it makes sense
when I was in 2nd year of Uni she was telling my ‘friends’ at the time what a selfish little bitch I was
whilst they all laughed and agreed
i was 19
obviously they were bullying me at the time too