Friendship Breakup - Did I Do The Right Thing?

[PandaEyes56]

I had a close friend, a younger woman who became almost like a daughter to me over quantity number of years. She moved to our area from another country, by herself, and knew nobody here. She came to our church and I tried to make her feel welcome, introduced her to others etc, helped her navigate life in a new culture. Over time she became part of our family, spending birthdays and Christmas with us, coming with us on holiday. I cared for her through a serious period of mental illness (she attempted suicide at her lowest point), went with her to appointments etc and ultimately helped get her back on her feet.

18 months ago she met a man who I believe is very controlling. He told her on their first date that she didn't need me or my family anymore because she had him now. There were many other red flags, but she couldn't see them. Two weeks after meeting they were "in love" and discussing marriage. They were engaged less than 3 months after first meeting and married last autumn. Both are 27, so not kids, but she was very vulnerable when they met and desperate to be married and have a family.

After they got together, she changed completely. We rarely saw her and when we did, it often turned into an arguement, with her blaming me for her doubts about this man, her mental health declining again etc. Before they got engaged, I suggested she take more time to get to know him, but she said my concerns about him were all in my head. She made me doubt reality. In hindsight, I think a lot of this was coming from him, and he deliberately isolated her from us and other friends. We only ever saw her if he was there too. Mutal friends say the same.

I was maid of honor at the wedding, basically because she begged me to, but she barely spoke to me all day and he didn't even say hello or acknowledge me. After they got back from honeymoon, she text me, all friendly, saying how wonderful it was to have me as part of their wedding and wanting to meet up. By that point I had had enough of the gaslighting and manipulation and stress of the relationship and asked her to give me space. We haven't spoken in 5 months, except for a birthday text and a Christmas card.

Our relationship wasn't good for my mental health towards the end and the strain of it was starting to affect my marriage and kids too, so I think it's better how things are now. But I still think about her every day and wonder how she is doing. Mostly I wonder if I was right, and if she is now trapped in an abusive marriage, cut off from everyone except him. I suspect she is, and I do wonder from time to time if I should reach out to her and reestablish contact for her sake.

Basically I am happier as things are now, but I feel like a horrible person for deserting her if she is trapped with no-one to turn to.

Thoughts? (Please be gentle)

Oh her mental illness is probably contributing to her behaviour what a shame she's no support, that's no reflection on you though you can't help her If she's ill only a professional can really.

You can keep casual communication open a text now and then but don't get overly involved might be a good idea?

I should have said might be contributing to her behaviour , i shouldn't assume anything.

Hi OP, you sure did the right thing.
You’ve already done more than anyone else would have done for her. Making her feel as part of your family and treating her like your own daughter, that was very commendable of you.
She is probably lacking the maturity to see how appallingly they treated you at the wedding. I would back away for my own mental health. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way that you cannot help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.
You’ve done your best, more than some parents do for their own children, now it is time to enjoy and and out some effort into your own family. This young daughter is not yours to rescue.

You’ve done enough. Maybe one day she’ll wake up and see it, but for now I would “love her from a distance”. By that I mean think about her from time to time and hope she’s okay, know you did your best, but let go of the outcome of her life.

Thank you everyone. It sounds silly, but I needed to hear someone else say what I already knew. Thank you for taking the time to reply.xx

Can you send one message or email saying that you care about her and you will always be there if she needs to come to you in future and then wish her all the best. Closes the door on the friendship for now but she knows if she was in an emergency (running away from him) that she could come to you.

Ps you’re important too and as good as it is of you to help you have to look after yourself too! You’re not doing anything wrong by stepping away. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves.

I had a similar situation with a friend and eventually had to cut off the friendship when her abusive partner turned up at my house shouting and screaming and throwing things at the windows, sending me threatening messages etc when I was alone with my then three week old baby as he thought she was at my house (she wasn’t). She begged me to stay friends with her and it wasn’t her fault and she was right it wasn’t but while they were together the risk of that happening again was always there. I felt guilty for a long time cause I felt I was playing right into his hands as that’s the goal isnt it to isolate them from family and friends but ultimately as long as you’ve done what you can and offered support there comes a time you have to put yourself first. Your friend will only see this when she’s out of the marriage and that may take a very long time. The more you try and persuade her to leave the more she will probably dig in her heels and stay. You’ve done right thing even though it might not feel like it. Just leave lines of communication open for the future in case she does see sense. Hope you’re ok

Honestly, I think it's best leaving it at birthday and christmas messages. She's going to stress you out otherwise, and it will affect your family. She's a grown married woman now, and she knows where you are.

You say you took her to your church do you both still go to the church. Regardless if she no longer attends if you do there will be a sage guarding policy. See the person who is nominated and give them the facts as you know them stating that you feel she is in an abusive relationship and at risk.

You sound like a very kind person but you have done so much for your friend and you can't let it impact your own family and your own mental health. I would keep in very loose contact via the odd birthday text and leave it at that for now. Look after yourself 💐

I did this when I asked for space. Something along the lines of "I will always care about you and I'm always here if you need me, but I can't be your friend in the way you want me to be just now. I need some space to recover from the hurt the breakdown in our relationship has caused me" She didn't reply 🤷‍♀️

She lives almost 100 miles away now, so a totally different area.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. That sounds terrifying. That's exactly how I feel- that by walking away I have played into his hands and given him exactly what he wants. But I just couldn't do it anymore.

Then you’ve done your bit. Try not to feel guilty. Ultimately, it’s her life and her choices to make.

It sounds like she's used you a bit? As soon as she got a man she dumped you. Does he not have a positive view of your religion, has he influenced her with that perhaps.
Maybe she associates you with a bad time, even though you probably got her through it? If you want to still be friends then contact her, but if you're happier apart, then leave it like that. Some friends are for a season, etc.

As she lives so far away there is very little you can do.
There was a thread on here a few weeks ago a young woman who was a DV victim and she’d moved away and been isolated from everyone.
After a really bad attack her partner had gone away for a few days and she was asking should she pluck up the courage to contact her parents? She really thought they wouldn’t want to know.
She did call them, her dad drove straight to her, helped her back and brought her back home.
She genuinely thought they would turn her away.
Your friend right now can’t be refused by you. You have done all you can, and hopefully if she does reach out one day if it suits you, you can respond.
But right now take care of yourself. You are a lovely friend.

@PandaEyes56 I felt exactly the same way but you have to draw a line somewhere. My friend never walked away and he is still doing the same to her it's toxic and dangerous and I couldn't be anywhere near that or have my son anywhere near. I reported him to the police after that night they were great and advised me to call 999 if it happened again which it didn't. You're feeling guilt because you're a good friend but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If she ever sees sense and gets out of it then you can be there but until then keep your distance but if it makes you feel better keep an eye out from afar if that's at all possible. It's an impossible situation but none of it is your fault and it sounds like you've already gone above and beyond

You are not responsible for her mental health.
You are not responsible for her choices.
You are not responsible for her actions.
You are not responsible for her words.

She is the only person who is responsible for all of the above.

You sound like a very loving, caring person.

You ARE responsible for YOUR mental health.
You carry a responsibility for YOUR marriage and family wealthfare.

It’s ok to distance yourself from people or situations which effect either of those negatively.