My boyfriend doesn’t trust me

[Mathsisgreat]

I’m late 26 boyfriend is 30. I have been together for over 1 year and I’m very in love with him. He still doesn’t trust me and says he finds it hard to trust anyone. When we were going one for 2 months, my ex called me. I answered and had a standard chat/ catch up nothing major. He’d also sent me a meme was sexual in nature, I found it funny and shared it with my boyfriend and I even said my ex sent me that. We had an argument about that and I understood that my ex was trying to push boundaries so I ended all communication with him. My boyfriend has used this incident against me and often brings it up in arguments about trust. The only other incident was when I went out with my 2 friends and sister and we brought guys back home( they were into my sister and friends). I even wore a pretend ring so no one had any ideas. He was angry about us bringing people back. - we’ve never talked about this concept in general and this was the 1st time. A conversation about looks and sex came up in the room and I contributed- I said I find him very handsome and he’s great in bed.
he was angry and said I have crossed a boundary again of a similar nature to before (the ex)
he got angry when a guy who knew me in a club hugged me, he doesn’t compliment me when I’m dressed up going out with my girls. He says I dress like a single girl- I thing I dress sexy but not trashy/revealing and I genuinely feel good and confident the way I dress
I don’t know what to do about him. I know I cannot be in a relationship without trust, I love this guy so much, I don’t know how to make him feel more secure without changing myself. I’m literally an open book I tell him everything and go on each others phones- usually to play games not snoop. I don’t know how else to help build his trust

He's deathly insecure, but in his mind you're the problem. Recipe for disaster. End it.

Be careful not to confuse controlling as insecurity.

A man should never be telling you how to dress. If they like you in the beginning for how you dress, they don't get to get with you and then try to change it. It's not on.

That being said, I would not be happy if my bf went out and came home with a bunch of girls. Would you? I can see why he was pissed. A ring on your finger doesn't keep you safe amd doesn't mean anything to a man who fancies you.

But if he keeps bringing up arguments about trust...I'm sorry op but you can't fix that. There will always be something he finds in order to not trust you (or, to pretend he doesn't trust you in order to control you).

The way that will go is you'll stop wearing the clothes you want, stop going out with friends, stop doing anything that might set him off. Then before you know it, you're just a shell of yourself. And he'd still not happy. Because he doesn't WANT to trust you.

May be time to cut your losses.

Well sharing sexual memes with your ex and bringing random guys back home with you don't seem like the behaviour of a particularly trust worthy person.
Seems to me you both have different takes on what is normal in a relationship and you would probably both be better off ending things.

Get a new boyfriend.

1). Past relationships should stay firmly in the past.

2). You cannot make him say he is more secure in the relationship. A comfortable, relaxed you doesn’t suit him. He likes you needy, supplicant, begging, apologetic. That’s what makes him feel happy. And he can get you into that space any time he likes.

Get rid of him. Figure out life on your own. Do a course in respectful relationships.

I don’t think your relationship values are aligned, to be fair. He sounds insecure and controlling. You sound like you enjoy male attention to the extent that you have poor boundaries with men. I’d bin him off and work on yourself for a bit.

💯 this!

Break up. You both sound too immature for a relationship.

I would not want to spend my twenties with a controlling, judgemental man who didn’t trust me.

“Dressing like a single girl” is horrible. Repeatedly bringing up the issue with the ex, really unnecessary. Objecting to a male friend hugging you, same. TBF I don’t really understand what happened with the blokes coming back - but the rest is horrible behaviour on his part.

🤔 LTB

That was my take on it tbh.

I don't think he should be commenting on how you dress. Although, if the shoe was on the other foot and his ex was messaging him and him and his friends brought girls back to the house, would you honestly be fine with that? I definitely would not.

I think you are triggering his insecurities by this questionable behaviour. But you both seem to have different ideas on what is acceptable in a relationship. So prehaps you're just not well suited.

Agree with this. And it does seem a chicken and egg situation as to which came first, his insecurities or the OP having poor boundaries regarding wanting male attention.

Either way it’s incompatible for this relationship to continue - your values are too different and you’ll drive each other mad.

I have apologised to him for bringing those guys back and accepted that was poor judgement from me. I didn’t feel me commenting on his looks and sex was crossing boundaries. It was the context of a very jokey conversation and I was talking to my friends.
we are different in that we’ve been brought up in very different backgrounds, so our point of reference when it comes to values and relationships is different, but we have a lot more in common that differences and actually never been someone more compatible.
he told me his biggest fear in life is being in an unhappy marriage. His ex girlfriend cheated on him and his dad turned out to be gay after 30 years of marriage having cheated on his mum for years. I Worry he will use this to predict our future, I don’t want to walk on eggshells worrying I’ll make a mistake that he will hold against me

Honestly my perspective is that you've not done anything wrong, but even with those people saying you do have poor boundaries, the following is a completely separate issue from that.
The way he is bringing up these things and the way he is talking to you sounds very controlling. Controlling behaviour is very often justified by claiming to have trust issues.
The fact that he has actually got something on you now that he can use against you to make you feel guilty about will make this situation harder and much more difficult to see clearly.
But you have to realise that even if you do everything he says going forward, he will find something new to be unhappy about and that you need to change and he will use these past "indiscretions" if you can call them that as a stick to beat you into submission with and you will end up just trying please him and feel you can't defend yourself.
He will use this to justify his behaviour becoming more controlling over time because according to his perspective you've already proven yourself to be untrustworthy.

You might think this is an overreaction, but the way he's dealing with these things are uncannily similar to a situation I was in, so I'm showing from experience.

I would leave him now and find someone more compatible or stay single.

Everything else asside, the comment about dressing like a single lady is indicative of a mysoginist.

It implies he thinks women dress only for the male gaze. Or, worse, that he has a problem with you dressing to be confident and feel good.

A woman, regardless of relationship status, may dress however she pleases. Even if a husband meant we had to retire into dowdy clothes, there isn't a ring on your finger.

Normal people just wouldn't say that 'dressing like single women' shit. It tells you he sees you as property not as a person.

Would you ever dream of chastising him for 'dressing like a single man'? It would be ridiculous. What if he walked down a street shirtless looking good on a hot day and women stared, you'd feel like the cat that got the cream. Because he's your man. And because it means nothing, as you trust him.

I couldn't be with someone like him....he's like a person who puts a bird in a cage and chastises it for singing. And if a bird cant fly or sing, maybe it's barely a bird at all anymore.

Thank you everyone for taking your time to respond and share your thoughts. I’m glad I decided to post here. I will take these opinions and advice into consideration. I

i can see where he’s coming from with you sharing sexual memes and bringing guys back. If he’s insecure then he’s in the wrong relationship!

You need to dump him. He's waving huge red flags and you're trying to minimise them. He's controlling and he's going to get more controlling.

At the moment he's making excuses for his behaviour (his dad, his ex, your ex, your clothes), he'll keep tightening the screws.

I mean…..he sounds like a massively insecure shit, edging into the realm of controlling behaviour. That type of behaviour rarely improves, it only escalates.
I will say that I do think you were in the wrong for the sexualised meme shared between you and your Ex - I’d be extremely pissed off of my DH’s exW sent him that and he responded, as I’m sure my ExH’s partner would be if the roles were reversed.
That one incident however does not excuse any of his behaviour after than either. You had the conversation after the incident about boundaries and that should have been the end of it. Him giving you shit about how you dress is a slippery slope that never ends well.

Wake up. It’s not that he doesn’t trust you!!! He’s trying to control you. Trust is zero to do with it.

There’s no consideration to be had. Dump him. His behaviour will only get worse the longer you stay with him. He’s a control freak.

I don’t want this to sound patronising because we were all young once but..you sound a little immature. Talking about exes is generally off limits in a new relationships. Bringing random guys back after a drunken night out doesn’t look great to the outside world. You might be confusing how you feel inside about your behaviour with the way that it appears. Trust is often based on how things appear. You sound like you haven’t quite got the rules of relationships yet and are confused why your partner is upset with you. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Maybe consider that. That said, no partner should be controlling in any way but I don’t know if you’re just understating how you’re behaving for the reasons I mentioned. I don’t think he necessarily has trust issues, and if he does, it sounds like, from what you’ve said anyway, that perhaps it’s a product of your creation

He sounds very controlling. The only person who has a right to decide what to wear and who to chat to is you. You’ve done nothing wrong. He is trying to come across insecure but he is controlling you and trying to isolate you.