My sad life

[Honestlyjustfuckoff]

Just a bit of a trauma dump more than anything, I don't expect anyone to reply or be nice about it. I've just got no where to write and nobody to talk to.

Childhood from when I was born until about aged 5/6 was good, I lived with my Grandparents. My mum was living there too but I don't remember her. She had numerous boyfriends which never lasted, I met about 3 of them as far as I can remember. Until she met her now Dh when I was 5/6 and they decided to move to a new house, with me.
That's when my life pretty much went to shit and it's never been the same again.
My 'stepdad' verbally, mentally, and not all the time but sometimes 'minor' physically abused me.
My mum sat back and let it all happen for years. I confided in my Grandparents who tried their best to help me, aged about 11/12 they rang social services. But my stepdad lied to social services (obviously) and I was sent to live back there. Then the abuse ramped up even more.
He abused my mum too all of this time but worse, I used to feel sorry for her but now I'm an adult I hate her for it.
Abuse continued until I got kicked out at 15 because I fell pregnant. The abuse that happened after social services was all of the above , plus borderline sexual abuse. I don't even know if I can call it that but I can elaborate.
Had a baby at 16, feel like I've failed him massively, I can't even talk about that right now.

Don't even feel like I can carry on writing 😞

That's just half of my life and I've massively narrowed it down, the other half of my life is probably just as bad. I don't think I can talk about it all at once right now.

Think I'm done writing for now,
If I was able to get to the end of it I probably would have asked what do I do next? How do I get over all of this past trauma? I don't think I'll ever be able to.

Ah, lovely. Being a young mum in that context is truly traumatic. How old are you now?
I think anyone else who comes along to post after me will say that some therapy will help you to process properly all that you have been through and that’s leading to these feelings you have now. You can get it on the NHS but it’s a long wait list often. However, they will do the initial assessment of you fairly rapidly. And I would imagine you wouldn’t have to wait long given what you’ve said here xx

Thank you for the kind reply x @KaleQueen
I'm nearly 32 now, feels pathetic that I've not been able to move past it for so long.
I think therapy could be a good idea, I'd definitely give it a try.
I've thought about therapy in the past and I didn't think it would benefit me but now I just feel I've got too much on my mind and I feel lost, so talking about it could help.
Thank you x

Honestly. Just from what I read of your short summary of things….it’s such a lot to go through as a child then you’re suddenly expected to be a mother at 16 by having a baby when you’re still a child yourself.
With what sounds like not any good role models above you to help.
You’ve done a good thing starting to express things on here. Writing it down always helps.
Have a goggle online tmw or ring your gp to refer you for talking therapies as a start xx

Oh love, you've gone through such a lot at a young age and I really feel for you. You deserved to be loved and supported as a child, like we all do. Being a young mum is hard, do you have any support in your life? I don't know what to say, but I just wanted to say you're not alone. If I knew you I would give you a big hug. I hope you get some good advice on here, you sound like you are a lovely person and I bet you're a great mum! X

I think therapy would help. You0 still have the rest of your life ahead of you and you owe it to yourself to make it the best life you can. This is going to be difficult if you can't move on from your past trauma. I think therapy can help with that. Maybe your GP could advise.

This sounds horrendous and not dissimilar to a very good friend of mines life. There is no wonder you are feeling like you can’t cope and please please seek help. It will feel better one day, I promise there is good to come for you. But it won’t change and that kind of trauma will only get worse if you don’t get some support . Also you sound terribly lonely which will be making everything so much worse . I don’t know how else to help other than to say get therapy , turn to exercise or groups where you can meet people . I know that might all sound overwhelming but even if you tried one of these things I bet you would feel a little brighter. Be kind to yourself, sending love x
ps please also check iron and hormone levels which can make sad feelings a million times worse .

Hi I’m sorry sounds like you had a really hard start in life.

Have you tried anything in the past that’s made you feel a little better?

OP please don't blame yourself for 'not yet being over it'. I'm in my early 50s and still not over what an abusive prick my dad was. This crap stays with you.

But you can change how you live with it. Therapy sounds like a good idea. Make sure you find a therapist that you can really talk to, someone who listens, accepts, but also questions, helps you see things from new angles.

Can you afford to travel a bit now your kid is older? I found it helpful just to see different things. 32 is so young still. Is there something you'd like to learn? Pottery, a language, anything...

Give yourself a pat on the back for coming this far in spite of everything. Allow yourself to be sad about all the ways you've been let down and not cared for when you were little. Try to find little things to enjoy... OK, I sound like a self-help book now, time to stop. Just wishing you luck and happiness.

I am so sorry your childhood was hard. It wasn't your fault. You can’t alter it but learn from it. Your grandparents loved and cared for you and tried. A lot of children have no one. Be the best you can for your child, he needs you. You did not have good parents but you can be one. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to others. Its hard being rejected, my daughter doesn't want me and I did and do love her more than anything but respect her wishes as she doesn't feel the same. I have good friends and to the outside world I’m the happy one. On my own I cry inside but I cannot alter a thing.

As most people have said, therapy.

But I also want to say 32 us so si young. It doesn't feel like that but you will realise in your 50s how young 32 is. So you have the rest of your life to heal and live a healed happy life. You are strong to have survived this. With therapy and some forward looking you will thrive. And your dc will be 16/17 now? Also has a future to look forward to and whether you have your child or not with you (custody) you can do this for you and for dc.

Thanks everyone for the kind replies, I read them and just cried I really didn't expect anyone to reply to me. It's a bit overwhelming because apart from my Grandparents I've never really spoken to anyone about it, especially not in depth anyway.
I've still only got my Grandparents as support, they know it still affects me but probably not to the extent it does.
My son is nearly 16 now, he didn't go into care but my Grandparents have helped me raise him. They've done a lot they're honestly the best people I know. He's happy but I always worry he'll grow up to hate me because I could have done more for him.
I haven't really found anything that makes me feel better yet, apart from to try and forget about it but more often than not something will trigger it and I'll start thinking about it all over again.

Also @ThreeLocusts thank you, I think that's a good way to see it, I can't alter the past but I can change how I deal with it and move forward.

I will give the doctors a ring and ask for an appointment. I'm going to be a blubbering mess trying to explain, I don't even know where to start.

Thank you so much everyone one for replying x

NAPAC are an organisation worth contacting and I have put a link to them here

https://napac.org.uk/

Firstly you are very young still. Probably doesn't feel it but you are to this old codger!
Secondly, you are being very brave talking about it. It's hard but promise these things get easier the more you say them. Weirdly they sort of become a story. My mum had a traumatic childhood and had 2 years of psychotherapy when I was about 10. I can remember the difference in her either side of it. She managed to deal with her life so much better and now aged 80 says she has had a happy life. The therapy was brilliant.
She says focusing on small good things helped her and she now also a Buddhist. Very different from her catholic upbringing!

Give yourself a break OP- you had a baby when you were a child yourself. If your son seems happy then take that as a win.

Do you see your grandparents often? Are you able to do something nice for them to show them how much you appreciate your support? A nice card and a plan for example?

Thank you

@BountifulPantry Thank you x
That's a good idea, I do see them often and I tell them how much I appreciate them but I could never thank them enough. I will do that, I'll buy a nice card over the weekend and maybe a treat each x

@Honestlyjustfuckoff

I don't know if any of this will help, particularly as my perspective is one step removed but here goes.
I'm an adoptive mum, my son is 21 and doing well in life. He was taken into care at 4 and although he had some difficult experiences, nothing as prolonged as yours. In his early teens he went through a very difficult time and he had a lot of therapy. I sat through it with him and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, so goodness knows how hard it was for him.
But he came out the other side a different person. It's not that he found excuses for them, but he came to understand the roots of their behavior and critically that it was not his fault.

From my perspective I don't feel the therapy was about getting over the trauma, but more him coming to terms with it. It happened, he can't change that. So he has two choices really. Repeat the cycle or break the cycle.
Thankfully he has chosen to break the cycle and he is making a great job of it.
Someone up thread said you can't change the past but you can change the future.

Your son is 16, you have no doubt sacrificed a lot for him. But he is moving towards independence now. You are only 32, a lifetime still ahead of you.
So now it's your time to focus on your needs and your dreams for the future. In your imagination what would your life ideally look like? How can you make it achievable.

I always dreamed of having a small holding with pygmy goats and pigs. Never going to happen. But I have got an allotment and I love my Robins and the fox that comes to visit. It's my happy place.

Where could your happy place be?
Writing things down can in itself be very cathartic. So you've made a fantastic first step towards healing. One thing I did with one of my foster children was to write down something really bad that had happened to him. Then we burnt it. He will never forget it, but somehow it seemed to take away the fear and lessen it's power to hurt him.
You sound like an amazing young woman. You have survived so much, now it's time to start living.
I wish you all the best for the happy future you deserve.

Great plan. I’m sure they will love it and importantly you can feel really positive about yourself and your great relationship with them.

My dear OP,
I'm so sorry to read what you've had to endure, at such a young age.
Life has been very unfair and unkind to you. You deserved so much better. And yet you've managed, with what little you've been given, to raise your son to the best of your abilities. Not many would manage to do the same.

As both a survivor of my own bundle of trauma, and as a therapist myself, I can strongly agree with the suggestions others have made. It's hard to talk about it at first, but I promise you there's beauty ahead of you. It's only normal for you to still be dealing with the aftermath of the trauma. You will probably do so for the rest of your life. But you can find new ways to cope.

You're a strong woman with a lot of life left ahead of you. I believe in you!