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Original poster

I like my boyfriend’s best friend

39 replies

Camde · 12/03/2025 21:16

Hi all, I’m not sure what to do. I’m 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years.

Increasingly, I have been feeling like we’re not right for each other. We keep arguing, and disagree on some pretty fundamental values like religion and ethics etc.

ive been thinking about breaking up with him, and I don’t think I love him any more.

the issue is, I really like his best friend. I’m really attracted to him and we agree on all the fundamental ethical questions. I would never ever cheat, but I’m considering how immoral it would be of me to pursue a relationship with him after I break up with my boyfriend. Id leave it at least 6 months before trying anything.

Is this really wrong of me? I don’t even know if the friend likes me at all. All I’ve got to go on is that before my boyfriend and I got together, the friend liked me on Hinge. But that doesn’t mean that he’s actually want a relationship with me.

Am I really evil for even thinking of him like this?

OP posts:
Didimum · 12/03/2025 21:23

I suggest you grow up, quite frankly. Focus on ending the relationship that isn’t working for you before pursuing the next one. It shows a lot of immaturity.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 12/03/2025 21:23

If you're not happy then end the relationship...but not for his best friend. That would just be stupid

Original poster
Camde · 12/03/2025 21:24

Didimum · 12/03/2025 21:23

I suggest you grow up, quite frankly. Focus on ending the relationship that isn’t working for you before pursuing the next one. It shows a lot of immaturity.

My question is about the ethics of pursuing his friend, following the break-up. This doesn’t really answer my question.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/03/2025 21:24

I reeeeally wouldn't do this. You're probably just looking around because you're unhappy in your current relationship. Break it off and stay away from both of them, not worth the aggro it'll cause.

BrownPapery · 12/03/2025 21:25

No I wouldn’t do this and if the chap was interested that would reflect badly on him.

Just focus on what you want to do about your current relationship before you plan the next one.

IAmNeverThePerson · 12/03/2025 21:26

If you were 16 possibly but not at 26 with a 2 year relationship. Get a grip

Onlyvisiting · 12/03/2025 21:28

Camde · 12/03/2025 21:16

Hi all, I’m not sure what to do. I’m 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years.

Increasingly, I have been feeling like we’re not right for each other. We keep arguing, and disagree on some pretty fundamental values like religion and ethics etc.

ive been thinking about breaking up with him, and I don’t think I love him any more.

the issue is, I really like his best friend. I’m really attracted to him and we agree on all the fundamental ethical questions. I would never ever cheat, but I’m considering how immoral it would be of me to pursue a relationship with him after I break up with my boyfriend. Id leave it at least 6 months before trying anything.

Is this really wrong of me? I don’t even know if the friend likes me at all. All I’ve got to go on is that before my boyfriend and I got together, the friend liked me on Hinge. But that doesn’t mean that he’s actually want a relationship with me.

Am I really evil for even thinking of him like this?

That would be incredibly shitty.

MrsTigerface · 12/03/2025 21:31

If you break up with your boyfriend, please be aware that it might not be an option to date his best friend.

Even leaving it a few months; he’ll still be your exbf’s best friend and, even if he really fancies you (even though you haven’t said as much, I do wonder if you and he have flirted a bit…) he will likely not want anything to do with you due to the prospect of losing his mate if he does.

So…if your current relationship isn’t right, end it. Don’t count on this bloke though.

Just have a few months breather, and enjoy life x

Original poster
Camde · 12/03/2025 21:41

I know that it isnt ideal at all, but I just keep thinking that so many couples get together in non-optimal circumstances and end up living a long, happy life together. It’s so hard to know what to do.

OP posts:
CaptainBeanThief · 12/03/2025 21:44

You talk about "ethics" in your posts like you're some sort of saint but you want to fuck off your current boyfriend to then fuck his boyfriend, how about a thresome instead?

Iknowaboutpopular · 12/03/2025 21:45

Camde · 12/03/2025 21:41

I know that it isnt ideal at all, but I just keep thinking that so many couples get together in non-optimal circumstances and end up living a long, happy life together. It’s so hard to know what to do.

Lets put the shoe on the other foot for a second, shall we? Would you be ok if your boyfriend of 2 years suddenly went "You know what Camde, I don't love you anymore. But I do really fancy your best mate."
You'd be fine with that, would you?

Babybirdaugust · 12/03/2025 21:48

You say you agree on the fundamentals of religion and ethics with his best friend, but if you were both to engage in a relationship with each other I’m afraid neither of you could claim to have ”loyalty” as a value you possess. Actions speak louder than words. Would you want to be with someone who is disloyal? If he’s willing to betray his best friend like that, then why would he not betray you in the future?

carrotsandtomatoes · 12/03/2025 21:51

Camde · 12/03/2025 21:41

I know that it isnt ideal at all, but I just keep thinking that so many couples get together in non-optimal circumstances and end up living a long, happy life together. It’s so hard to know what to do.

All you need to do for now is end your relationship.
What happens in 6 months will reveal itself later

CheeseWisely · 12/03/2025 21:53

OP I know a couple that originally met because she was seeing his best friend. There was never any crossover and in fact a gap of about 2 years between the end of one relationship and the beginning of the next, but it was still the end of a 15 year friendship.

Tread carefully, and if you're not happy with your boyfriend then end it now and stay away from both of them for a good while to let the dust settle before even thinking about making your feelings known.

Freeme31 · 12/03/2025 21:57

No it's morally wrong, it's his best friend and massively big headed of you to think he'd want you. If he did want you tho Would you also want someone who would treat a friend so abysmally ? So no not a good idea or kind thing to do

FeistyFrankie · 12/03/2025 21:59

OP the only way to know if you're doing the right thing is to completely forget about the friend. Do you still want to end things with your bf?

If the answer is yes then it's time to break up. Don't count on his friend ever dating you though. The situation might just be too complicated for him to get involved.

IPM · 12/03/2025 21:59

If he's actually his best friend he wouldn't dream of it.

You'd make a fool of yourself.

Girlfriends come and go, best friends tend not to.

renoleno · 12/03/2025 22:00

No decent man is going to date their best friend's ex gf - it's a pretty crappy thing to do, and not worth losing a friendship over. There will be other men who have the same values that you're attracted to - without the awkwardness and baggage. You're only 26 so there's plenty more opportunities to meet men.

There have been times I was attracted to bf's friends, it happens from the close proximity you share and the intensity of the situation. Once you break up with your bf and don't see him or his social group again, you won't think of either of them. Never acted on it as it was a strong boundary i maintained. I like my relationships baggage free. Happily married now to my DH who has no relation to any ex-es and I barely remember those friends now. So am very pleased I didn't break up friendships, cause an ex even more hurt and feel guilty/ashamed of how my relationship started.

Don't do it!

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 12/03/2025 22:04

This kind of happened to my husband. He was seeing a girl and wasn't really going anywhere, and she broke up with him after almost a year. A few months later, his best friend approached him and said that he really liked the girl, and he knew it was awkward and he hadn't meant it to happen, etc. My husband was a bit pissed off, but ultimately realised his friend couldn't help it and it wasn't up to him to "give permission" to two adults who liked each other.

They are married now, and my husband is still friendly with them both (and obviously happily married to me now!).

Sometimes people meet in less than ideal ways. I think in your circumstances, it's actually more about the relationship of your bf and his best friend. If the best friend did feel the same way about you, he would have to decide if it was worth risking the friendship.

Original poster
Camde · 12/03/2025 22:07

i know it’s not ideal at all. It’s just that it’s so hard to find someone I’m compatible with and that shares my values, which is why I’m getting hooked on this potential guy I think.

He is the same niche religion as me, and is also vegan. These are both really important to me, which is why I’m even thinking about him.

i want to break up with my boyfriend regardless. I’ve realised that the love is not there.

OP posts:
MuckFusk · 12/03/2025 22:16

Camde · 12/03/2025 21:24

My question is about the ethics of pursuing his friend, following the break-up. This doesn’t really answer my question.

Show quote history

Look at the practical realities here. He's the best friend. You are going to be seeing your ex on a regular basis because of this. Can you manage to break up with him in such a way that there is no resentment on his part, so that it won't be awkward being around him? I tend to doubt it. The ex may also suspect you had something going during the relationship. It could potentially ruin their friendship. Do you want that on your conscience?

Personally, I don't think it's inherently unethical to date the best friend after a breakup. It depends on how amicable you are with the ex, and how solid the friendship is. Assess the potential for harm in order to gauge whether something is unethical. You may have to do the unselfish thing here and resist the temptation to try to get together with the best friend.
Realistically, if you don't, it's probably going to be a tough slog. Far better to make a clean break and not be in the same social sphere as your ex.

OchreRaven · 12/03/2025 22:28

This happened to me twice when I was younger. In both cases I never broke up with my boyfriend because I liked the best friend, it just wasn’t working.

In the first situation I thought his best friend and I had chemistry but he was very respectful and we both avoided each other because of it. But once I was single he confessed his feelings. He felt awful about the situation and couldn’t tell his friend for the first few months of us dating. Eventually my ex did find out and chose to deal with it rather than ruin their entire friendship group but I know it was hurtful and their relationship was never the same. I went on to have a deep connection with the best friend and we dated for years.

The other time it happened the guy was very aggressive about his pursuit of me once my relationship with his best friend ended. I refused because I wasn’t that into him, well not enough to blow up their friendship (he was a bit of a player), but I was stupid…and drunk. It ended up being 6 months of FWB that was kept secret. But I ended it when he started talking about going public and dealing with the fall out as I knew I didn’t want the relationship long term and it wasn’t worth ruining their long friendship. They are still friends now and live together as housemates!

So yes it can happen. But his relationship with his best friend will be impacted so you need to decide whether this is something you really see working long term. If not leave them to it. If yes then let the best friend make the real moves. You can reach out subtlety once your soon to be ex has moved on.

Getupandgogo · 12/03/2025 22:32

Camde · 12/03/2025 21:41

I know that it isnt ideal at all, but I just keep thinking that so many couples get together in non-optimal circumstances and end up living a long, happy life together. It’s so hard to know what to do.

How old are you? You sound quite immature and lacking in experience.

But to play along and answer your question. No, you can't date his best friend. If you have to ask why, then refer to my first point.

ILovebenefits · 12/03/2025 22:36

Nah I wouldn’t, people would just look at you like u was a right slag

NeedSomeComfy · 12/03/2025 22:40

I am biased here but my parents met when my mum was dating my Dad's best friend. I'm not sure how long they were together because they're not extremely forthcoming with details... But my parents have been married now for 40 years. Sometimes you really just are suited to the other person more.
(And my Dad was the best man at his friend's wedding later, so it didn't destroy the relationship).
I agree that you should break it off with your boyfriend first and give it a bit of time before doing anything else though.

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