Do I keep this to myself - Mothers disclosure.

[blcakgaragedoor]

Short history - difficult relationship with my mother who put her religion before us growing up. Father wasn't religious but worked loads. Lots of decisions about us as kids were made according to what the do gooders in church would think. The result non of us are religious.

Father died very suddenly of a heart attack 5 yrs ago.

Mother is a demanding selfish lady and shortly after he died she was diagnosed with mixed matter dementia. This has exhibited itself in physical decline. Incontinent unable to walk or control motor movements. She is bed bound. Mentally she is sharp as a tack and has little to no memory loss. Understanding of how things work and organisation skills have been affected.

She's been feeling down lately and
Asked to speak to her priest. A woman from the church visits weekly and so she arranged that. I was there when he came. She was very nervous all morning waiting on him.

She asked me to stay in the room when he was there so I said I'll do some admin while he's there. I didn't want to be involved in the prayer.

She started spilling her guts to him. Said she had had a flirtation with a married man in church and he had told my dad about it a few days before he died. She told the priest she thinks that what caused his heart attack. He counselled her and
Told her it was a heavy burden and that she was forgiven. BULLSHIT SHE IS!!

My dad was a saint being married to her. We walked on eggshells our whole lives to stop her having a tantrum! He married her when he was 19 and she was 24. He should have left her years before.

I am disgusted with her. Now, I'm bloody well burdened with this crap! Do I tell my siblings. I've told no one and I'm seething. I haven't even told my husband. I hate her.

Thing is, I'm her main carer! I still have to go sort her crap and run her house!!!!! I need help with this one! I tried to confront her about it and she just told me it was none of my business and gave me
More jobs to do.

I couldn't not hear it. When he left she's now carrying on like nothing happened.

Walk away. I have a similar mother and wouldn’t ever contemplate being her main carer.

What would you hope to benefit from telling your siblings? I fully admit this is outside of my experience. But I can empathise that knowing what you do is difficult. I think you should find some way of talking to someone who is completely disinterested, maybe the Samaritans or a therapist. I don’t think sharing with your siblings will help you or them at all.

Absolutely no way would I be offering this woman any kind of support in her old age op, and I can’t understand why you think you should. I guess she’s done a pretty good job of getting you under her thumb as a child. I would withdraw all support immediately. I don’t think we can really advise you on whether you tell your siblings, though I think they will ask for an explanation if you do cut her off, and I wouldn’t be hesitating to tell them what she’s done after the misery she’s caused

You are under no obligation to be her carer. I would be get a needs assessment for your mother from her local Adult Social care department.

Thanks for the reply. I have a needs assessment being done and we are told we need a dementia nursing home. My father left her very well cared for and so it will be a case of them taking everything
To pay for it.

She's resisting giving consent to go to a home and so a financial Ian assessment can't be done.

As for why I'm her main carer. I'm the only one who works from home. I do not live closest in fact it's a 20 minute drive away. I'm the one with the least balls. I'm the one who hasn't got the back wheels to walk away or who has the biggest burden of guilt. I hate myself too for that.

You know when he died she wanted us to take his stuff away almost instantly. She never ever talks about him either and never went to visit the grave.

I see telling the siblings won't help. I'm ashamed of her. I'm afraid to tell anyone. Hate her for this.

@blcakgaragedoor your parents relationship is not your burden. You should not judge her for what she did to your Dad, but how she is as a mother to you. Now she was totally wrong for you to be present when this came out. However her dementia may have affected her judgement, so have to balance that. For her failing as a mother to you he angry for.
Her relationship with your Dad you only know what you saw, and now what you have been told. But that is only one side of the story. The other side cannot be known.
If you feel your mother is not worth your love because of the way she has treated you pre dementia then make your choice as to withdraw your care as you see fit. But please don't base it on the relationship between them.

I think l would be contacting your siblings and telling them you are finding caring for her too stressful and you are no longer going to be her sole carer. You say she is well provided for, so if she won't agree to going into a home could you arrange for paid carers to come in during the week? There could then be a rota for you and your siblings to take over at weekends. Whether or not you tell your siblings about her flirtation is up to you, but remember her dementia may well have made her recollections unreliable.

She asked you to stay in the room while she gave her confession. That's heinous.

I think that in order to not feel haunted by her after she's gone, you need to take control of your relationship with her while she's still alive. She's controlled it so far. She even forced you to listen to her confession (that she thinks she caused your father's death), and while she now can feel forgiven and redeemed, she's now put this quandry and future guilt on you. Made you the holder of her secrets. Manipulative doesn't even touch the sides. (Ime it's only super religious people who engage in this level and type of manipulation: god's forgiveness is, conveniently, the only forgiveness they ever need).

Stop the care. Share the burden of her secret with your father's other children. Don't let her keep you shackled from beyond the grave.

I'm sorry you have a cruel mother.

I would walk away. Maybe her church can arrange for carers for her? She certainly doesn't deserve your love and care.

I couldn't care for an incontinent, bed bound relative, even if they were kind and grateful. That is certainly not the case with your mother.

You've always know that she was an awful person. This new revelation just reveals her as a complete hypocrite as an active churchgoer, flirting with a married male member of the congregation. Her treatment of your dad is completely unforgiveable. Do not waste any more of your life helping her.

You supporting her to remain in her own home when social services have assessment is that she needs a dementia care home is not in her best interests. Let social services and your siblings know that you are pulling out of all care to protect your own health. I think it’s horrible she has put this secret burden on you but maybe share with someone other than your siblings . Sometimes when people have dementia they loose inhibitions and act out of character.
If your siblings give you a hard time about pulling out of running round after your mother then tell them they don’t know the whole story. If you tell your siblings something they don’t want to know then there is a chance they will just be angry with you for telling them