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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU husband purchased a car when we needed the money

17 replies

Isamummy2021 · 11/03/2025 23:54

So my husband purchased a car when he's paid his last car off saying it's going to start costing money bla bla.. he doesn't just want any it a jaguar expensive and expensive to maintain. we needed the 300 per month available in his account to remortgage and do much needed work on the property. Due to our age and outgoings we can only get low term mortgage he's 51 I'm younger but they go off the oldest apparently. Anyway he's done it even when I said he only uses the car to commute 8 miles per day and my car is outside daily accept Wednesday which he can take as his day off we could actually manage with one car. My car is a seat Leon and not good enough for him. I feel completely disrespected after I told him I don't agree with his purchase idea we needed the funds in bank he didn't need a new car we had already agreed we needed work on the house roof is desperate etc.
I bought him tickets for Cheltenham races for Christmas it's this week I've said I'm not going he can take someone else he says he's not going then. Now I'm really not happy with him right now and I don't want to go. Am I being unreasonable?

He's also pretty much a crappy husband and father long story but let's just say he's a fool does not look after child properly falls asleep continually and is always on his phon he works but does sod all else I work and do everything cooking cleaning shopping kids everything with them. I'm desperately unhappy. In short there have been other very selfish things over the years and I'm not even sure I want to stay with him. I just feel it's wrong to make big purchases without agreement. We both make other purchases like clothes toiletries etc but I see this as needed items I'm sure most people do not luxury items. like most people it's not easy were not well off we get by and not easy with nursery to pay etc . I just think he's extremely selfish especially when purchase is not needed but wanted. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 11/03/2025 23:58

He disrespects you and because of this you no longer respect him. You won't get that back. This is over. You just have to work out how to separate and move forward.

Been there. I've been you. You can't ever get back to respecting him. It's like the respect version of the ick.

Isamummy2021 · 12/03/2025 00:09

Just to add, he actually just went out last Sunday and bought a new car clearly already planned he brought it home the same day! Now he's acting all sweet like he can make it up to me but I just feel completely different about him this may be the final straw one other example was when our baby was born a week into his paternity he tells me I'm going working away he said not planned no discussion just did it he was gone about a year only coming home Saturday to do his laundry and go back Sunday.. it doesn't feel like a partnership I guess is what I'm saying.

OP posts:
Isamummy2021 · 12/03/2025 00:11

LadyGAgain · 11/03/2025 23:58

He disrespects you and because of this you no longer respect him. You won't get that back. This is over. You just have to work out how to separate and move forward.

Been there. I've been you. You can't ever get back to respecting him. It's like the respect version of the ick.

That sounds pretty spot on to be honest. Sad because I was so in love with him bit by bit he's been like this taken us for granted and I just can't stand him right now.

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 12/03/2025 00:11

And i repeat... you already know the answer. If it helps im validating you.

Isamummy2021 · 12/03/2025 00:18

LadyGAgain · 12/03/2025 00:11

And i repeat... you already know the answer. If it helps im validating you.

Wasn't sure how others would see it,I just know that if I was making a huge purchase he'd have something to say although he says he wouldn't do. I could go and book me and kids on holiday see how he likes that but I can't be doing it for pettiness haha just maybe we all need a break from him though might do him good 😊

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 13/03/2025 07:07

Did he tell you it’s £300 a month on finance? Because it won’t be - try £750 or so for a new jaguar.

Bakerygirl · 13/03/2025 07:57

I was married to someone exactly like this. Never thought about the family only himself. Whatever your husband tells you the car cost or is costing, double it. My marriage didn’t end well and yours won’t either.

parababe · 13/03/2025 08:03

Startinganew32 · 13/03/2025 07:07

Did he tell you it’s £300 a month on finance? Because it won’t be - try £750 or so for a new jaguar.

This!!
Are you talking about a leased car....?
If so, will be more like £700

AuntieLemonade · 13/03/2025 08:21

Why are you already backtracking and talking about a break rather than a break-up? He left you with a newborn to work away for a year? Without consulting you? The (double and then some priced) car is the least of your problems… you are not his wife/partner, you are his afterthought and you allow this. Stop

Nottodaythankyou123 · 13/03/2025 08:58

Isamummy2021 · 12/03/2025 00:09

Just to add, he actually just went out last Sunday and bought a new car clearly already planned he brought it home the same day! Now he's acting all sweet like he can make it up to me but I just feel completely different about him this may be the final straw one other example was when our baby was born a week into his paternity he tells me I'm going working away he said not planned no discussion just did it he was gone about a year only coming home Saturday to do his laundry and go back Sunday.. it doesn't feel like a partnership I guess is what I'm saying.

I think this is a bigger issue than the car tbh!

Summerlovin24 · 13/03/2025 09:45

Bakerygirl · 13/03/2025 07:57

I was married to someone exactly like this. Never thought about the family only himself. Whatever your husband tells you the car cost or is costing, double it. My marriage didn’t end well and yours won’t either.

Same. He will never change. I came out of marriage with debt because of ex. He spent kids money i saved on an expensive bike. Then I had to fund them through uni. It's been a financial nightmare
Cut your losses now and run

Middleagedstriker · 13/03/2025 09:49

Oh I absolutely could not be with a man like this. DH and I check on any purchase over about £50 with each other.

Isamummy2021 · 23/03/2025 22:42

Startinganew32 · 13/03/2025 07:07

Did he tell you it’s £300 a month on finance? Because it won’t be - try £750 or so for a new jaguar.

I thought the same although It's a few years old not BN and he did get a loan as opposed to finance for a better interest rate. He's still a dick I actually asked him to leave today everything has just come to a point.

OP posts:
AuntieLemonade · 23/03/2025 22:51

Hope you are ok OP. I’m sure it’s for the best. This is not a partnership x

Isamummy2021 · 23/03/2025 23:01

AuntieLemonade · 23/03/2025 22:51

Hope you are ok OP. I’m sure it’s for the best. This is not a partnership x

Thank you. I'm ok just sad because we could have a great life together if he just got his act together and put others first he's just too selfish. We were ok until lo came along really I could still have a life separate from him that's all gone completely he does whatever he wants when he wants. I asked him a bit ago to go councillor but it's never happened.

OP posts:
AuntieLemonade · 23/03/2025 23:13

The amount of selfish men I’ve dated because of what they “could be” rather than what they “are” could fill a phone book. They are wonderful on paper, have amazing potential and give you just enough glimmers to have hope. But they are exactly that. Glimmers and glimpses. The reality is exactly what’s in front of you and hoping for the glimmer to become the reality is a lost cause. They are a lost cause. Don’t lose yourself in the dream. You will be fine and you will wonder what took you so long to see it one day!

Isamummy2021 · 23/03/2025 23:40

AuntieLemonade · 23/03/2025 23:13

The amount of selfish men I’ve dated because of what they “could be” rather than what they “are” could fill a phone book. They are wonderful on paper, have amazing potential and give you just enough glimmers to have hope. But they are exactly that. Glimmers and glimpses. The reality is exactly what’s in front of you and hoping for the glimmer to become the reality is a lost cause. They are a lost cause. Don’t lose yourself in the dream. You will be fine and you will wonder what took you so long to see it one day!

I hope so thank you I look back and realise I was probably happier with my ex husband. We just grew apart but were best friends I still miss him but as a friend and still long for the family times he's a great dad. I got my divorce and i crossed paths with a colleague from years before and fell deeply in love with him things moved faster due to COVID we moved in sooner than I would have but I Never felt this way about anyone I doubt I will again. We had a beautiful wedding abroad things really improved for 12 months but it just went downhill again I have now just got to a point where I'm too exhausted to fight for him to be a better parent a good husband it's sad because I wanted our daughter to grow up with both parents but it's not healthy so I feel she will be happier. I'm just worried about the contact I've posted another thread I'm actually worried sick about it.

OP posts:
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