Need help at breaking point

rococopops · 2025-03-11T19:43:00+00:00

This is long, but I need advice, been with husband for 20 years, 3 children all teens. Relationship hit a rocky patch in lockdown when husband decided to go fully remote. I took a full time and part time role and the plan was to buy our forever home on joint income then my parents were going to move closer as they are my only family and I worry. However, being remote led to DH gradually getting more and more alienated from his team and eventually lthe year before last just before Christmas, he got made redundant. I was fully supportive and went into damage control, can we lose the car? lets go interest only on the mortgage etc. The first red flag was then he said it was "OK, he had manifested the redundancy because he will be a crypto billionaire by Christmas" he then invested most of the payout into crypto and the rest buying expensive Christmas gifts for the kids without my agreement. He didn't become a billionaire and now he has regular freelance work which pays the bills but we don't have the years earnings to get a mortgage. I am still working two jobs, then end of last year my lovely Dad suddenly died after a short illness. After this things have just got worse. He refused to acknowledge my grief, says my Dad "isn't really dead" in front of my mum in the car at Christmas, would be just one example. Sex life dried up completely, which is huge for me. It's like we are living two different lives, I wanted us to move into a lovely house where all our children have privacy and their own rooms, make plans, have dreams, especially after my loss and he just won't entertain it. Now he is saying that as soon as he gets his crypto money he will leave and he hates me, plus I will never see a penny of it. He has said awful things to me and I just, still, want, a lovely future for us all. Do I try or is it over. I just don't know what I am asking or if there is a way back from this. I am spending every hour I can at work or away from home because it's so bad. I have an evening off tonight and he has just been awful, ranting in front of the kids.

Miloarmadillo2 · 11/03/2025 19:50

You can’t make a marriage work if one party has checked out. He sounds awful anyway!
I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad (would never have made it past that comment to your Mum TBH)

Maitri108 · 11/03/2025 19:54

He sounds unwell. Has he always been a fantasist?

Original poster

rococopops · 11/03/2025 19:57

I did think he may have depression, but he keeps saying his eyes have been opened and he can see things for what they really are now, including me, I'm narcissistic and abusive and I gaslight him. Once he has his money he will go and I can see how I like it "on my own"

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ThePoliteLion · 11/03/2025 20:03

I’m very sorry that you and your children are in this situation. It doesn’t sound like you can turn this ship around. I agree with a PP that he sounds unwell. Regardless, he’s behaving in an abusive fashion towards you and the kids. I suggest you make calm plans to end the marriage. Most importantly, can you persuade him to move out of your current home? That would remove a lot of your current stress. X

Maitri108 · 11/03/2025 20:03

rococopops · 11/03/2025 19:57

I did think he may have depression, but he keeps saying his eyes have been opened and he can see things for what they really are now, including me, I'm narcissistic and abusive and I gaslight him. Once he has his money he will go and I can see how I like it "on my own"

He doesn't sound well OP. Sounds like he's having some kind of breakdown. Ranting about gaslighting and being a billionaire is a sign of someone on the edge.

You of course don't have to put up with it.

Original poster

rococopops · 11/03/2025 20:05

ThePoliteLion · 11/03/2025 20:03

I’m very sorry that you and your children are in this situation. It doesn’t sound like you can turn this ship around. I agree with a PP that he sounds unwell. Regardless, he’s behaving in an abusive fashion towards you and the kids. I suggest you make calm plans to end the marriage. Most importantly, can you persuade him to move out of your current home? That would remove a lot of your current stress. X

Edited

I have asked but he refuses to go, I feel that he may have asked his Mum but she doesn't have the space, so he is going down the route of it being "his home, he pays the bills, I should go live with my mum if I don't like it".

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noideabutstilltrying · 11/03/2025 20:06

It sounds very much like a mental health breakdown

The fanatical stories about things that won't most likely happen re the crypto

I don't think that staying with him would be good for you and the teens

ThePoliteLion · 11/03/2025 20:07

I’m sorry he takes that line. Perhaps take some legal advice? I don’t think you and the kids should leave your home x

Original poster

rococopops · 11/03/2025 20:07

He says I'm a good mum but a shitty wife. When the chips are down I show my true colours.

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cestlavielife · 11/03/2025 20:08

Get away from him. Leave him to his madness.
You can suggest he talks to someone but make your own life

Original poster

rococopops · 11/03/2025 20:12

Thank you, I think I knew the answer before I started this thread. But I am second guessing everything, "was this me?" "was I not supportive" "should I back him up and believe in it as he does" but I keep coming back to the same thing, all I wanted was a shared future together and for the kids, his investment may or may not be sound but I don't want a speculative future decided for us. I'm just scared of the next bit, I've been with him since I was 18.

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ThePoliteLion · 11/03/2025 20:16

rococopops · 11/03/2025 20:12

Thank you, I think I knew the answer before I started this thread. But I am second guessing everything, "was this me?" "was I not supportive" "should I back him up and believe in it as he does" but I keep coming back to the same thing, all I wanted was a shared future together and for the kids, his investment may or may not be sound but I don't want a speculative future decided for us. I'm just scared of the next bit, I've been with him since I was 18.

You will get there. You’ll find you have reserves of strength you didn’t realise existed. You need to refashion a new and better future for you and your kids. Almost everyone feels scared when they start this particular ball rolling.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 11/03/2025 20:19

@rococopops I think sadly some bad choices around how you handled lockdown have severely damaged his mental health, he has spiralled into a depression and tried to hide this from you. This is not your fault, it is him failing to communicate how he was struggling when it started. It will not fix now without him having therapy.
He has to address this head on and quickly, you need to decide if you want to support him through this, which may or may not succeed. Or walk away. It sounds as though things are pretty far gone in his side so personally if I was you I would walk from this. Good luck, your situation isn't easy.

2025willbemytime · 11/03/2025 20:20

rococopops · 11/03/2025 19:57

I did think he may have depression, but he keeps saying his eyes have been opened and he can see things for what they really are now, including me, I'm narcissistic and abusive and I gaslight him. Once he has his money he will go and I can see how I like it "on my own"

Nah. He's got a case of I'm better than everyone and they can just tag along.

it would be over for me.

Dont be scared. I left after 27 years and I don't have any family. It's great being free of an inadequate dickhead.

Gymnopedie · 11/03/2025 20:27

rococopops · 11/03/2025 19:57

I did think he may have depression, but he keeps saying his eyes have been opened and he can see things for what they really are now, including me, I'm narcissistic and abusive and I gaslight him. Once he has his money he will go and I can see how I like it "on my own"

I don't think he's having a breakdown, I think he's been reading Andrew Tate.

(I'd say too much AT, but any amount is too much.)

Original poster

rococopops · 11/03/2025 20:33

Gymnopedie · 11/03/2025 20:27

I don't think he's having a breakdown, I think he's been reading Andrew Tate.

(I'd say too much AT, but any amount is too much.)

Show quote history

Try Joe Rogan…

The sad thing is is for a while after dad died we had my mum to stay and it looked like she was going to move in with us for a bit until she found her feet. She remembers him as being different. As he was before, He was so kind, masculine yet gentle. She lasted two weeks and she said I’m sorry I can’t live with him he’s changed so much he’s become so dogmatic. I think you need to get your ducks in a row.

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Velmy · 11/03/2025 20:34

If he's claiming that he's going to be a crypto billionaire and that your Dad isn't really dead, he's both delusional and quite seriously mentally ill. You need to get yourself and your children away from him ASAP.

Original poster

rococopops · 11/03/2025 20:37

Velmy · 11/03/2025 20:34

If he's claiming that he's going to be a crypto billionaire and that your Dad isn't really dead, he's both delusional and quite seriously mentally ill. You need to get yourself and your children away from him ASAP.

It was bad before dad passed away, but the aftermath of that and I guess it’s him grieving, it might help him to believe that he’s taking a detached spiritual view of it, which I do get, but it was too soon and things were very fresh in my mind and the way that he was trying to rationalize it made things almost untenable

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Original poster

rococopops · 11/03/2025 20:40

I do appreciate each and every one of these comments. I just needed to vent to anonymous people. I have quite a wide circle of acquaintances, a couple of real friends in real life know what’s happening, I love them but they are biased. Thanks to all that commented x

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2025willbemytime · 11/03/2025 20:43

If your mum is saying you need to get your ducks in a row then you need to listen.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 11/03/2025 20:46

rococopops · 11/03/2025 20:33

Try Joe Rogan…

The sad thing is is for a while after dad died we had my mum to stay and it looked like she was going to move in with us for a bit until she found her feet. She remembers him as being different. As he was before, He was so kind, masculine yet gentle. She lasted two weeks and she said I’m sorry I can’t live with him he’s changed so much he’s become so dogmatic. I think you need to get your ducks in a row.

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I was wondering with what you said he was saying if he'd fallen down this type of misogynistic hole. Maybe he got there because he was depressed, but his mental health is really by the side because unless he's willing to accept there's a problem and work on it nothing will ever change. He's obviously not going to do that and no one should be condemned to live with this because he might have mental health issues.