How do you spot love bombing?

[ChargeableHour]

We have known each other in a loose networking-events-type way for a couple of years. He separated from his 21yr LTR in December. We went out in February and again last week.

Two dates in and he has sent me very affectionate ‘you’re the dream’ type messages. I really like him but am also not good at spotting big red flags.

Should I trust this? Rebound? Love bombing? Something else?

I don't think you're bad at spotting red flags, cos here you are.

I'd be very cautious.

He's a couple of months out of his relationship, yes, it's likely you're the rebound.

I'm sure he's very excited about you and the novelty of it all but it doesn't mean it'll last or become something.

2 months out of a 20 year LTR - I’d guess he’s not really ready. I’m speaking from my own experience- having either been in a serious relationship- or nothing - it can take a while to come to grips with starting over, developing something again, without just jumping in headlong and thinking you’re back where you were. So I’d say he wasn’t deliberately love bombing - just try to keep some distance until he can understand that this is still early days.

My partner was obsessed with me from the very beginning. He would tell me I was the girl of his dreams and call me ‘my girl’. It’s been years and he’s still the same with me now, very complimentary and affectionate.

I don’t think it’s always love bombing.

Why on earth would you get involved with someone who is less than 3 months out of a 21 year LTR? It’s got rebound fling written all over it.

Recently separated men are not the wisest choice for a partner - jumping straight into another relationship within weeks of separation is a red flag in itself imo

Push back a little bit and tell him he's moving too fast/things are feeling a bit too intense for you. How he responds should be a good indicator of if he's lovebombing you. A love bomber is likely going to keep pushing and keeping up the same behaviour, and/or will act really offended by you asserting your boundaries. If the person is genuine, they may feel a little disappointed but will ultimately respect your boundaries as they are genuinely interested in you.

Just reread your post. 2 months out of a LTR, that's a huge alarm bell! He can't possibly mean the things he's saying

He sounds very immature. You're the dream?

Love bombing is where they move very fast. Lots of intense talks, messages, calls, can't live without you, gifts, want to move in asap etc

I don't know about rebounding, though I'd be wary and take things slow. Sometimes by the time you split up, you've been disengaged from the relationship for years.

Omg - this is almost my exact experience. I believe I can truly shed some light here - unfortunately! So my ex was previously in a LT 20+ relationship. When I met him he’d been split up for a few years and had been with a few GFs since. Prior to my meeting him he’d been single almost 2 years. We met in real life at one of those social meet up groups. Right of the bat on our first date he told me he thought I was stunning and heavily complimented me thereafter. He frequently told me I was the ‘girl of his dreams sent from the heavens’ and would say he wondered what I even saw in him. By the approach of the first Xmas together, I’d been with him only a few weeks yet he brought me a huge bag of presents including a branded gold plated beautiful heart necklace. My heart sank because I was utterly overwhelmed by it all and felt this was love bombing. I’ve met intense people showing extremes of behaviour before (both male and female) and I’ve learnt to subtlety move away as they are often not the most well adjusted people. However, I massively fancied him and he seemed a really lovely guy who went to great efforts to always ‘look after’ me and plan thoughtful outings. Anyway fast forward and despite me being a quiet cautious person who is pretty shy in real life with only one close friend and I usually never go out socially, I found myself being accused of cheating and not really loving him. He wanted me to move in after just a year and wanted us to to both sell up and buy a property together. He almost told on himself once when I asked what the hurry was as he started to say so he could ‘have me with him’ but then he clammed up. He also wanted us to o lay have one car and that he would drive us himself. He’d go in a mood whenever I needed to travel overnight for work and seemed to be irrationally angry almost over my job inproject manangemt and I honestly think he would have been more comfortable if I was in a more entry level job like cashier or receptionist or so. Anyway the final straw was when he travelled 30mins just to spy on me as I’d just casually mentioned id be in the office on a certain day so back later than normal so would be calling him a little later for our our regular evening chat. He also would go quiet on me if I ever said I was meeting a friend for cofffee or even if I said I was tired on the phone to him as he took it as a sort of insult against him! Anyway after two years of it I broke it off which was a tough decision as visually he was virtually the man of my dreams but I had enough sense to realise this man would ruin me if I stayed. So yeah many a time behaviour that starts like this can quite possibly be a red flag so proceed with extreme caution would be my advice!

Wow @MoominMai that sounds awful, really oppressive. I’m sorry that happened.
I think that exact scenario probably won’t happen here, although I will look out for it.

In this case, my guy is really genuinely busy and not really a texter or caller at all. I don’t hear from him for days - it is just very affectionate when I do. I know his work and no way would he have an hour for just following me about.

I probably am the rebound. I am wondering if I should feel sad about that or just roll with it. I do like him and the reason I went for it with him at such an early stage is that he is a catch. Someone else would have got him if I hadn’t moved. 😀

To be honest

• two months out of a very LTR
• extreme compliments, talk of being a “dream woman”
• but disappearing for days with no comms

… doesn’t sound good. Inconsistency and intense behaviour are two of the biggest red flags there are. If you do proceed, proceed with extreme caution and don’t ttake anything seriously until you start to see him showing up consistently for many months.

At the first sign of jeallousy, controlling behaviour, criticism of his “dream woman”, words and actions not matching, etc, cut and run, as you’re already on three orange lights at this point.

Well, "dreams" aren't real, are they? He's not long separated, and yes, love bombing does sound like this. Separated in December, that's early doors so yes, big risk that you're the rebound, and those rose tinted glasses of his will drop when he gets past the big feels.

"Someone else would have got him if I hadn’t moved." It might be best if "someone else" is his rebound, and you catch him out the other side of that!

Where's he living currently?

He has a rented property while his DC finishe the academic year. Then he and ex are putting their house on the market and splitting the equity.

(I guess the house question is Does this man need somewhere to live? And he doesn’t)

Yeah, there's no-one more in love than a man (or woman) looking for somewhere to live

Yet

The thing about love bombing, compared to someone who is genuinely into you and happy to express it, is that you can't always tell the difference until further down the line. So my advice is simply to tread carefully. Don't commit too soon or get yourself in too deep - both practically speaking (eg moving in together too soon) or emotionally speaking (letting yourself fall for him). Enjoy the compliments, but don't take them too seriously. If he's still the same in 18 months to 2 years (after the honeymoon period) it may be the real thing.

If he's looking to sell up in the next year, with an equity split, he might be lining up a potential partner to move in with if he's going to struggle to buy a house on his own.

This is exactly what my ex did to me - lovebombed me because he wanted to buy a house but didn't have enough money to do so on his own, and now that we've split and are soon to sell up, he's got a new girlfriend (who owns her own home) who I can see he's fast-forwarding into moving in together so that he can keep his living standards where he likes them.

Honestly, he’s well paid, solvent and is in no need of my accommodation.

I am more concerned that he is just emotionally flailing and keen to secure my emotions back. Which is working. Annoyingly.

Sometimes people jump into relationships to distract themselves from the pain of leaving the last one. It’s obviously something you need to be considerate of because those feelings will impact him at some point.
or he may have dealt with them whilst still in the marriage and be good to go 🤷‍♀️
it’s hard to know so just be mindful. Good luck xx

From what you said I don’t doubt his honesty or intentions. But to use what’s probably a crap analogy - he’s just jumped from one moving train onto another without stopping to reevaluate where he is or where he really wants to go, he’s just used to the speed and direction and as long as he’s got that he’s feeling normal.

Edit: doesn’t mean it’s wrong - it might be absolutely right. Just be cautious, that’s all

With respect, you barely know him, so all you know is that he appears financially sound. My ex looked just the same at the start. I didn’t know the real state of his finances until I was solidly locked in.

Easy to spot love bombing because it's never about you. You're just a vessel for them to pour their behaviour into. Stuff like: dream girl and perfect... you are a person not a pre-fab dream, a human, not perfect.

Other love bombs include buying you stuff you don't want, like or need, because your individual taste means nothing to them. They just want the buzz of being the flamboyant romantic. Or cooking you food, their 'signature dish' without caring if you like it. It's about their grand gesture, their 'talent' as a chef.

I knew DH was the one when he took good care of me when I was ill soon after we met, when he shyly admitted to having bought 'a few things' I might need when I stayed over - all brands of toiletries he noticed I used at home; when he tracked down a rare recording of my favourite song even though he didn't know its name. These things showed he liked me for myself. I wasn't a paper doll for him to pin his pre-planned notions of a relationship.

"I wasn't a paper doll for him to pin his pre-planned notions of a relationship."

This. Beautifully put. I can still feel the pin marks from a past experience.