Dating over 40

[coffeetart]

People have told me that the fact many men no longer appeal to me due to doing a lot of inward healing work is a good thing in dating. I’m really struggling to believe this, is it true?

Backstory: Ive had a lot of therapy , self awareness and coaching. As a result in a positive manner I’ve easily weeded out avoidants, toxic-abusive, non committal men from my dating pool pretty quickly. Ok so on one hand that is positive as I value my peace, health and do not wish to choose to get into a toxic relationship.

However in saying no to this rather large audience has left the pool very dry and limited.

I honestly think most people eventually give in and say ok he’s not perfect, yes he has some shitty behaviour traits but he’ll do because honestly if you are taking this healthy perspective of saying no to these men you are going to be sitting on your own for a VERY long time.

Examples of my last 2 potentials I said no to:

1. I was texting a guy I’ve been texting for the past 2 weeks all was well and we were due to meet this Saturday but yesterday he started talking about his ex as a bitch of a woman but he said she was his type & would of loved to have taken her back - I queried with him why a “bitch of a woman” would be his type and he said because she’s a sexy bitch so he’d overlook the fact she’s a horrible person… So he was a no.

Example 2:
2) 3 dates with one man always very nice polite 42 but every Sat and sometimes all weekend he would ignore my texts and would be online to all hours like 4am on a sat night. Had the hard conversation and in the end said no as he was clearly an avoidant and his communication too flaky , inconsistent. All he’d bring into my life would be pain - suffering.

These scenarios are like rinse cycle repeat and I sift through them pretty quickly.

Where is the problem here?

I'm not sure you are as healed as you think if you are concerned about this.

Clearly being alone is better than being with an awful man. That's a no brainer.

Looks, height, job are the kind of things you might compromise on. Shitty behaviour clearly not unless you want a shitty life.

However in saying no to this rather large audience has left the pool very dry and limited.

I understand. But it’s a good thing.

There’s sooo many of them though. Is it just really common nowadays or my age. The stuff they do come out with doesn’t surprise me anymore but it is horrendous

I've read women on here say the thing to do is look younger so they're not 'damaged'. I guess being deeply damaged or affected after the breakdown of a serious relationship or marriage is understandable to an extent. But a responsible adult would do the work- like you did!

NOT suggesting you go out with anyone you get a bad feeling about, but the terminology and marketisation of 'dating' isn't helping you. People are not a product or in a pool. Natural organic relationships help avoid the things you mentioned and your frustrations at not getting what you want.

Having put in the work and continuing to do so, as much for myself as to model the right/healthy behaviour to my 6 Yr old, I am also finding the men I seem to attract haven't done any work. The majority of them also don't recognise they have any to do.

I am currently very content to be single, have zero desire to be in any kind of relationship, however I also know this is largely to do with the amount of work I still need to do - have stronger boundaries, stand on my own two feet, recognise the part I played in demise of marriage, and communicate better etc.

Also at 47 I am just not sure I can be bothered with the effort required to date or share my space 😂😂

Firstly well done in doing the work , it takes a lot of courage and effort.

You are so blessed having a child , I’m 40 this year and I’m giving it one last push for 1-2 years as I would love a child But it has to be with the right person.

Option B at 42 is a sperm donor, which I can’t believe in an overpopulated world Id even have to consider But I just can’t seem to find someone just normal and healthy. Tbh I’m devastated this is my reality But I’m going to remain positive that my person will show up that’s all I can do.

People say dating apps are grim but it’s choosing your hard , I done nights out last year and it was ten times worse just grim grim even worse than the apps: no one over 30, drunk men looking casual etc etc. Also spent so much time and money doing hobbies where I may meet someone it was such an exhausting process running around the city to meet ups. My hobbies I enjoy like knitting, Pilates aren’t v male dominated. So dating apps are where it’s at for me!

as a man who goes to Pilates classes I’d say that the odds of meeting someone there are probably better than a knitting group - but not really a happy hunting ground!
You were dead right to walk away from the examples you gave- better a dry pond than a poisoned one. Truly it’s better to be alone than with someone who really isn’t going to make you happy. So you’re right to keep sifting… Sometimes it does get depressing, but I just try to keep thinking that one day that unexpected good thing is going to happen after all.

IME men who do Pilates are either very attractive gym guys going with their very attractive gym partners! Or short bald guys! I'm sure there are exceptions to this rule though 😂

@Gymbunny2025 thanks for that

I find your post so refreshing and honest I’m going to screen shot it and keep it.

I get so exhausted when people say try hobbies - meet ups like who has all the time and money to run around to all these things. I’m not Martha Stewart. And exactly like you said - I even tried sailing classes and the chances of meeting anyone at them was like you said probably better at my knitting club.

My new affirmation:
“A dry pond is better than a poisoned pond”

I do believe good days are coming also, I just hit a wall these past two days felt so “is this really happening like I’ve woke up out of a nightmare , why oh why didn’t I prioritise dating in my late 20s” sadly I didn’t have the tools back then I was very naive. I focused on the wrong stuff saving for a house and working and minding my nieces most wknds.

Walls - can always be walked around. Really, you mustn’t be defeatist: Yes, the apps are painful and there’s a lot of dross. But you’re young! So you can afford to sift fairly ruthlessly, because there’s decent people out there too, you just haven’t found them yet. Maybe widen your area, age range: you never know when that right one might appear, and he might not be what you thought you were looking for. Sounds like you’ll know when you do find him though 😁

I understand your frustration. I am in my mid-fifties and also have a tight selection filter, and yet of the ones who have made it to a date I had to discard because they: criticised my clothes, shouted at the waitress, talked nasty crap about exes, talked AT me all night (most of them do), and one who said he "probably couldn't do relationships." Hitting a wall feels very real, and please do not berate yourself for not finding "the one" in your twenties; I did, and divorced him, so there is no point in that talk. As for the "Hobbies," well, that's just what married friends often suggest who have not been on OLD, because they want you to meet someone IRL, and they are not wrong to want that for you, because IRL you do get a better measure re. instincts sometimes. Anyway, you're not alone, and you're not wrong, and you're not to blame! There is a lot of dross in OLD. Try Burned Haystack Dating Method on Facebook... someone on here suggested it to me, and it's very insightful about how it's better to wait for the right person (the needle in the haystack) than to settle for someone who "will do."

Don't give up and try not to be disheartened, I know you'll have heard this time and time again so sorry for being so unoriginal🤔

I never expected to be living at home with my mum again at 47 with a 6 year old in tow after my apparent 'soul mate' decided someone 20 years younger than me was worth throwing 26 years away on🙄 But here I am, scarred, somewhat bitter, angry, hurt, and quite frankly feeling like a cliche (have done all the stereotypical things you do after a break up: dropped 5 kgs, dyed my hair, got a new tattoo and piercing - not got under someone else to get over him though because you know, I'm perimenopausal and have no libido😂😂)

But... I'm not pessimistic about the future, I not optimistic yet either (not THAT healed and healthy😂😂) My focus is giving myself time and space to figure things out, and taking care of the womb troll. I'm not going to say something trite like stop looking for Mr Right and he'll come along because I don't feel this would be beneficial to you or make you feel better. You are doing great though with taking your time, being discerning with who you date/have in your life, and knowing what you want. I love that!! You sound strong, confident, emotionally mature and intelligent ❤️❤️